I am doing the same old thing. Looking for another job. I really hate looking for a job. I think everyone does. I have branched out into on line businesses. I haven't spent time promoting them. Partly because I am still trying to figure out how they work. If someone asks me a question, I want to be able to answer it correctly. The other part is because after running around town, then doing classes and bible studies and chores I don't have the mental focus to do anything. Today however is pretty chill. It's friday and nothing gets done on friday. So I have time to go over things. It's a few days till the end of the month, so the panic could be on; but what would be the point. I even went to labor ready of all places. I have to go there for orientation on Wednesday. Oy vey. I have to pay my phone bill so whatever. There was a time when I was going to file for an Obama phone. I did the paperwork, but when the pink envelope came, I couldn't do it. I threw the envelope in the closet. The principal of the thing is I want to be FREE! I don't want to be dependent on the system. But here I am again looking for a job and soon won't have a phone. Oh well.
One of the businesses I got involved with is a forced matrix that pays out $18,000 sometime this month. I have been thinking how much my life would change with that money. I just don't know what day it's going to happen. The last thing I heard it was next week. I hope that is true. I could move, and get a car. I could start a hardcore head to toe makeover. My whole perspective about life would shift dramatically.
Everything is closing. The job front, is closing
the guy front is closing
the living situation is closing
so things are about to shift.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
struggling to make it happen....
One thing that makes me homicidal is a strange thing. When you have 7 people living in one house you have lots of weird but necessary rules. For instance don't slam the microwave door. If every person in the house did it, the noise level would be insane and eventually the door would break. There are people who do it anyway. Another rule is no singing in the house. Not everyone is going to like your song or your voice. Some people are having quiet time so don't do it. Even if you are doing your chore, don't do it. So you have to go outside to sing if you really feel the need. There really isn't any privacy outside. We are surrounded by other buildings and our front yard is on the street. There is a table and chairs at the front of the house on the walkway. My bedroom is at the front of the house as well. One of the ladies sits out there at least once a day and sings her face off. She is a horrible singer. Like why are you not embarrassed people walking by would hear you? She of course is singing hymns or praying really loud. It's ironic that I am the only one in the whole house who can hear her, and that this activity makes me homicidal. I am in my room trying to watch TV or something and this wallowing is happening. I resent having to put my headphones on and blast them when I am in my own room. People complained before about her singing in the house when she did her chores and in the shower, that's why it got banned from the house in the first place. To ban it from outside too seems unfair.
I have been struggling to make on line businesses work. I have like 6 of them. But I haven't promoted a single one of them. I don't know what is stopping me. Because God knows I need the money. I keep going out to job fairs looking for jobs. I had two interviews last Thursday. They both were a disaster. The first one was for an after school program. The interview was downtown. Which I thought cool, a place I can get to. Of course when I get downtown I can't find it! I am walking back and fourth up and down the street looking. The woman had to come and get me, and turns out I passed it every single time I walked back and fourth. It was in an apparel building, which was ironic, since I am a fashion graduate and wanted to work in the field. Turns out the position isn't downtown at all. It's in Inglewood, a good 2 hour bus ride away. Also there is only a month left in the school year and then a 7 week break for summer. I can't afford that!
Next!
Then a call center job in Brentwood. I mapped my bus ride from the downtown location the next one. I had hours and hours in between. The place was on San Vicente Blvd. I knew where this street was. I got off the bus there, and I had several hours to kill so I got a muffin and hot cocoa and sat for a while. It was pouring rain that day too. I spent time on my phone on the map app going over where the place was over and over to make sure I could get there on time. I got the bus route and was confident I would make it there early even. When it came time to go back out into the pouring rain and wait for the bus I was sure I would make it there. I got on the bus and looked for the address of where I was going. The addresses weren't even close to where I was going. Next thing I knew the bus driver was telling me it was the end of the line and kicking us all off. I was confused. I waited for the bus going the other way. The driver insisted the bus I had gotten off went further. So I went and waited for the next one. When it came the driver said 'no end of the line.' Before I could ask him anything, I stopped myself and just turned around and got back off. I called the office and left a voice mail that I would be there soon. I was having an issue finding the building. Then my phone died. By then I was massively late for the interview and had no way of finding it. I took the bus to best buy and got a portable charger. I plugged it in my phone and called again. Voice mail again. I asked if I could re schedule, but at this point I knew it wasn't going to happen. When I got home I got on my computer to look at the map on a larger screen. Because I had been on my phone I was unable to see the entire area. San Vicente Blvd splits in two. I was no where near where I needed to be. In fact the bus I took wouldn't go where I needed to go. I was miles from the building. If I had taken the bus from my house it would be nearly a 2 hour ride plus a walk to the location. I guess I was better off not going, because it was a long schlep to get there.
I had gotten a sheet for goodwill industries. I had applied there in the past, and even walked in and asked how to get a job there. I guess they hire in waves. I was told at the job fair they were hiring. The man at the booth gave me a packet with all the job listings and their reference numbers. I turned to the page that showed the retail associate positions. There were quite a few at different locations. I asked if I could work at more than one location. He said no. Just apply to all the ones that I would be open to working at. I said ok. When I got home and took the packet out to apply, the page with all the retail positions had vanished. Like it had never existed. I looked everywhere. I went through all of my files, and my bag. It's nowhere. It's as if some weird energy is sabotaging my efforts in order to save me from myself. To funnel me into where I really want to be which is independent. It's been a month since I started my first one, and haven't done a thing. I am still struggling to fill out my forms so I can get paid from them. You download them and scan them. I can't seem to figure out how to get them submitted for some reason. I get frustrated and give up every day. Meanwhile my team leader is having $800 days. I need and want that. Why can't I seem to focus?
I have been struggling to make on line businesses work. I have like 6 of them. But I haven't promoted a single one of them. I don't know what is stopping me. Because God knows I need the money. I keep going out to job fairs looking for jobs. I had two interviews last Thursday. They both were a disaster. The first one was for an after school program. The interview was downtown. Which I thought cool, a place I can get to. Of course when I get downtown I can't find it! I am walking back and fourth up and down the street looking. The woman had to come and get me, and turns out I passed it every single time I walked back and fourth. It was in an apparel building, which was ironic, since I am a fashion graduate and wanted to work in the field. Turns out the position isn't downtown at all. It's in Inglewood, a good 2 hour bus ride away. Also there is only a month left in the school year and then a 7 week break for summer. I can't afford that!
Next!
Then a call center job in Brentwood. I mapped my bus ride from the downtown location the next one. I had hours and hours in between. The place was on San Vicente Blvd. I knew where this street was. I got off the bus there, and I had several hours to kill so I got a muffin and hot cocoa and sat for a while. It was pouring rain that day too. I spent time on my phone on the map app going over where the place was over and over to make sure I could get there on time. I got the bus route and was confident I would make it there early even. When it came time to go back out into the pouring rain and wait for the bus I was sure I would make it there. I got on the bus and looked for the address of where I was going. The addresses weren't even close to where I was going. Next thing I knew the bus driver was telling me it was the end of the line and kicking us all off. I was confused. I waited for the bus going the other way. The driver insisted the bus I had gotten off went further. So I went and waited for the next one. When it came the driver said 'no end of the line.' Before I could ask him anything, I stopped myself and just turned around and got back off. I called the office and left a voice mail that I would be there soon. I was having an issue finding the building. Then my phone died. By then I was massively late for the interview and had no way of finding it. I took the bus to best buy and got a portable charger. I plugged it in my phone and called again. Voice mail again. I asked if I could re schedule, but at this point I knew it wasn't going to happen. When I got home I got on my computer to look at the map on a larger screen. Because I had been on my phone I was unable to see the entire area. San Vicente Blvd splits in two. I was no where near where I needed to be. In fact the bus I took wouldn't go where I needed to go. I was miles from the building. If I had taken the bus from my house it would be nearly a 2 hour ride plus a walk to the location. I guess I was better off not going, because it was a long schlep to get there.
I had gotten a sheet for goodwill industries. I had applied there in the past, and even walked in and asked how to get a job there. I guess they hire in waves. I was told at the job fair they were hiring. The man at the booth gave me a packet with all the job listings and their reference numbers. I turned to the page that showed the retail associate positions. There were quite a few at different locations. I asked if I could work at more than one location. He said no. Just apply to all the ones that I would be open to working at. I said ok. When I got home and took the packet out to apply, the page with all the retail positions had vanished. Like it had never existed. I looked everywhere. I went through all of my files, and my bag. It's nowhere. It's as if some weird energy is sabotaging my efforts in order to save me from myself. To funnel me into where I really want to be which is independent. It's been a month since I started my first one, and haven't done a thing. I am still struggling to fill out my forms so I can get paid from them. You download them and scan them. I can't seem to figure out how to get them submitted for some reason. I get frustrated and give up every day. Meanwhile my team leader is having $800 days. I need and want that. Why can't I seem to focus?
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Today is a mutha
Today is mother's day. Everyone is posting pics of their moms on FB and long soliloquies about how they would be no where without their mothers. Many had baby pics of them being held by their extremely proud mommies.
There are no pictures of my mother and me. Not one. The one picture there was, she ripped herself out of. It's just me on a phantom shoulder. I asked her why she did that, and she said because 'she looked fat.' She valued her vanity over my psyche. I could have easily interpreted it as her trying to get away from me. Eventually as an adult I would see it that way. There are more photos of me and grandma, than of me and mom or dad. The other photo of my mom I have is of the back of her head while driving the year before I was born. She had a high bouffant bob and cat glasses. The back of her head would be a fitting way to sum up our relationship.
My mother lives in Washington in an assisted living facility. We don't talk. We don't get along. I spoke to her probably a year ago, and we fought. She insisted I was 'limiting myself economically' by not learning to speak Spanish. Mom's doesn't understand that 'bilingual' means 'we hire latinos'. I am not latino. I told her I would learn to speak spanish when I was on my way to spain. She thought this was idiotic, since I was looking for work at the time. I am not learning a whole nother language to make the same $10 working in a call center I am trying to get away from. Spanish speaking people make a few bucks more, but it's not a good use of my time. Just not happening.
She was never available for me growing up. She's the classic narcissistic personality. She would always make sure I knew I was a burden to her. That he life would be so much simpler if she didn't have me to raise. She would say things like 'I let you live in my house.' and 'The law says I have to feed and clothe you.' But she did the bare minimum. Cooking a meal was out of the question. So I lived on cereal, salad and sandwiches most of the time. I learned to make macaroni and cheese and spaghetti, so I cooked for myself. She was depressed so she spent most of her days in bed, or parked in front of the television ignoring me. I could go weeks without any eye contact from her. Days without a word. It was hell. When I lived with her parents I felt loved and like a kid. There were meal times, and help with homework, there were trips in the summer, and friends over. My grandma was my mother. Grandma was who I called on mother's day when she was alive. She would always get very serious and say I should call my mother. I would politely decline. She would tell me 'Call her, she thinks she's a bad mother. Just call her.' I couldn't disagree. I would begrudgingly call her. She would argue that she was a horrible mother. I would half assedly tell her she wasn't. It was pathetic and really inauthentic on both our parts. When grandma passed, the ritual stopped.
My mother was my jealous older sister. The only time she seemed invested in me is when my father wanted to be with me. Then she would fight tooth and nail for me, only to ignore me when she got me. I was a doll for them to fight over. When I wasn't a cute little kid anymore, their attitudes toward me shifted in a way to say I had betrayed them in some way. Because I didn't stay little and cute.
I can't bring myself to celebrate this woman. To call her and wish her happy squeezing me out and abandoning me day. For making up lies about me to spread far and wide so people would reject me. For insuring I was at every disadvantage coming up because you refused to lift a finger to help me with anything. For breaking promise after promise, for standing in my way because you couldn't cope with me being good at anything. For calling me names when I was down. For telling me 'it was my choice' when I was suicidal and couldn't take anymore..
I dread anyone ever asking about my relationship with my parents. I never come out and say ' I don't have one with either of them.' I try and remember the high lights and spin them into some fairy-tale about what good times we had. My dad as more of these than good old mom. Mom has one big one. My father kidnapped me when I was 6 for half a year and she somehow was able to track me down. She drove for days to come rescue me, and then have my father put in the brig. But after that, she went back to ignoring me again.
All the success and happiness I achieve is despite you. I have flashes of moving you to California, so we can be in eachother's lives for the remainder of yours. So we can try to have some good memories before you die. I keep remembering how after grandpa died and grandma was alone in the house. She fell getting out of the tub, and no one found her for three days. I was across country when I found this out I cried and cried and cried. I am crying now even remembering it. My mom has set her life up the exact same way. Except since she lives in a facility, she could yell loud enough for someone to hear her if that ever happened. Grandma lived in the house grandpa built for her the year I was born. Neighbors weren't close enough to hear anything. The bathroom was in the back of the house as well. So if the mailman came to the front, he wouldn't hear her screaming in there.
I do want to be able too have a friendship with her. To hang out without fighting or her calling me names or making attempts to make me feel like a failure in life. He brother lives in the same town as her and won't see her. She is the type of person who only calls when she wants something from you. She never calls him just cause, or would go and visit just to shoot the breeze. They were never close; but managed to help eachother out over the years here and there. My uncle is too old to be her fix it man. He's well into his 70's and not in the greatest health. His daughter's have forbade him from seeing my mom. He's cool with it. No one in the family is crazy about her. She has managed to offend everyone, and she has the reputation of being miserable and abusive. So no one wants to be around her. When people come to town to see my uncle, the skip seeing my mom.
I want to see her anyway. But I feel like I need to be a size 6 and engaged for her to not go in on me. I have made it a point never to lie about my life to my mother. Never to make up stories about how successful I am or who I'm dating. I never thought it was worth it to lie to her. I guess people do that so their parents don't feel like failures or something. I don't care if she does. I'm not going to lie about a very real journey I am on for her feelings. There is no doubt I have to be emotionally prepared to see her, and prepared to walk out on her again.There were times in the past she was so abusive I told her if she didn't stop I would walk out and she wouldn't see me anymore. She thought I was kidding. I haven't seen her in 20 years.
I left 14 years ago. She flipped out when I moved away. Like I was supposed to clear it with her, or tell her I was going. For what? We only talk on the phone anyway? What difference does it make if I am in Washington, Florida, Paris, or California?
It's hard not to fly the middle finger on mother's day.
It really is.
There are no pictures of my mother and me. Not one. The one picture there was, she ripped herself out of. It's just me on a phantom shoulder. I asked her why she did that, and she said because 'she looked fat.' She valued her vanity over my psyche. I could have easily interpreted it as her trying to get away from me. Eventually as an adult I would see it that way. There are more photos of me and grandma, than of me and mom or dad. The other photo of my mom I have is of the back of her head while driving the year before I was born. She had a high bouffant bob and cat glasses. The back of her head would be a fitting way to sum up our relationship.
My mother lives in Washington in an assisted living facility. We don't talk. We don't get along. I spoke to her probably a year ago, and we fought. She insisted I was 'limiting myself economically' by not learning to speak Spanish. Mom's doesn't understand that 'bilingual' means 'we hire latinos'. I am not latino. I told her I would learn to speak spanish when I was on my way to spain. She thought this was idiotic, since I was looking for work at the time. I am not learning a whole nother language to make the same $10 working in a call center I am trying to get away from. Spanish speaking people make a few bucks more, but it's not a good use of my time. Just not happening.
She was never available for me growing up. She's the classic narcissistic personality. She would always make sure I knew I was a burden to her. That he life would be so much simpler if she didn't have me to raise. She would say things like 'I let you live in my house.' and 'The law says I have to feed and clothe you.' But she did the bare minimum. Cooking a meal was out of the question. So I lived on cereal, salad and sandwiches most of the time. I learned to make macaroni and cheese and spaghetti, so I cooked for myself. She was depressed so she spent most of her days in bed, or parked in front of the television ignoring me. I could go weeks without any eye contact from her. Days without a word. It was hell. When I lived with her parents I felt loved and like a kid. There were meal times, and help with homework, there were trips in the summer, and friends over. My grandma was my mother. Grandma was who I called on mother's day when she was alive. She would always get very serious and say I should call my mother. I would politely decline. She would tell me 'Call her, she thinks she's a bad mother. Just call her.' I couldn't disagree. I would begrudgingly call her. She would argue that she was a horrible mother. I would half assedly tell her she wasn't. It was pathetic and really inauthentic on both our parts. When grandma passed, the ritual stopped.
My mother was my jealous older sister. The only time she seemed invested in me is when my father wanted to be with me. Then she would fight tooth and nail for me, only to ignore me when she got me. I was a doll for them to fight over. When I wasn't a cute little kid anymore, their attitudes toward me shifted in a way to say I had betrayed them in some way. Because I didn't stay little and cute.
I can't bring myself to celebrate this woman. To call her and wish her happy squeezing me out and abandoning me day. For making up lies about me to spread far and wide so people would reject me. For insuring I was at every disadvantage coming up because you refused to lift a finger to help me with anything. For breaking promise after promise, for standing in my way because you couldn't cope with me being good at anything. For calling me names when I was down. For telling me 'it was my choice' when I was suicidal and couldn't take anymore..
I dread anyone ever asking about my relationship with my parents. I never come out and say ' I don't have one with either of them.' I try and remember the high lights and spin them into some fairy-tale about what good times we had. My dad as more of these than good old mom. Mom has one big one. My father kidnapped me when I was 6 for half a year and she somehow was able to track me down. She drove for days to come rescue me, and then have my father put in the brig. But after that, she went back to ignoring me again.
All the success and happiness I achieve is despite you. I have flashes of moving you to California, so we can be in eachother's lives for the remainder of yours. So we can try to have some good memories before you die. I keep remembering how after grandpa died and grandma was alone in the house. She fell getting out of the tub, and no one found her for three days. I was across country when I found this out I cried and cried and cried. I am crying now even remembering it. My mom has set her life up the exact same way. Except since she lives in a facility, she could yell loud enough for someone to hear her if that ever happened. Grandma lived in the house grandpa built for her the year I was born. Neighbors weren't close enough to hear anything. The bathroom was in the back of the house as well. So if the mailman came to the front, he wouldn't hear her screaming in there.
I do want to be able too have a friendship with her. To hang out without fighting or her calling me names or making attempts to make me feel like a failure in life. He brother lives in the same town as her and won't see her. She is the type of person who only calls when she wants something from you. She never calls him just cause, or would go and visit just to shoot the breeze. They were never close; but managed to help eachother out over the years here and there. My uncle is too old to be her fix it man. He's well into his 70's and not in the greatest health. His daughter's have forbade him from seeing my mom. He's cool with it. No one in the family is crazy about her. She has managed to offend everyone, and she has the reputation of being miserable and abusive. So no one wants to be around her. When people come to town to see my uncle, the skip seeing my mom.
I want to see her anyway. But I feel like I need to be a size 6 and engaged for her to not go in on me. I have made it a point never to lie about my life to my mother. Never to make up stories about how successful I am or who I'm dating. I never thought it was worth it to lie to her. I guess people do that so their parents don't feel like failures or something. I don't care if she does. I'm not going to lie about a very real journey I am on for her feelings. There is no doubt I have to be emotionally prepared to see her, and prepared to walk out on her again.There were times in the past she was so abusive I told her if she didn't stop I would walk out and she wouldn't see me anymore. She thought I was kidding. I haven't seen her in 20 years.
I left 14 years ago. She flipped out when I moved away. Like I was supposed to clear it with her, or tell her I was going. For what? We only talk on the phone anyway? What difference does it make if I am in Washington, Florida, Paris, or California?
It's hard not to fly the middle finger on mother's day.
It really is.
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