It's a hot day already and it's not even noon. It's father's day and on FB everyone is saying happy father's day to all the guys with kids and dads. People are posting pictures of their father's and writing these long paragraphs about how much they love him. Only one friend had a similar experience to mine. He said that his father was absentee and his step father was like having a bully living in the home. He said so Lou Reed is my daddy today.
My relationships with both my parents are non existent to say the least. I can't even pick up the phone and call today and say happy father's day. It would be disingenuous. You call because you love your dad. You appreciate your dad. I don't know how I feel about him, and appreciating him is not something I can say definitively. There are things I appreciate about him. But overall he didn't really make the right choices. He chose not to be in my life because his wife didn't want him to be and he went along with it. How do you celebrate a man who did this? I don't. I don't hate him, I just don't have warm fuzzy feelings for him. There will come a time when I will go to Texas and see him face to face. One of the reasons I am working so hard to get free financially. One of the main reasons I haven't seen any of my family for decades is money. I couldn't afford to go anywhere. Or I would have to work over the holidays anyway. But all this has changed.
My father has been bed ridden since 2007, after his heart attack. He is unable to drive a car, or stand by himself. He slurs when he speaks. It makes me sad that this happened to him. It makes me feel like he doesn't have much time left on earth. I dread finding out on FB that he has died. I don't want that.
For two decades when I called his house when I didn't get the answering machine, if someone answered the phone and found it was me on the line, they hung up in my face. This went on for 20 years. Then one day my dad answered the phone, and I spoke to him. I was in that nasty hotel in Florida and needed money. He sent his uncle over to see me, to make sure I wasn't on crack. I would go to stay at a Christian shelter, and he'd fedex some cash to me, and someone stole it. I got an empty envelope that had clearly been retaped shut at the bottom. When I told him this, at first I could tell he was suspicious. But as the conversation went on he could tell I wasn't lying. He realized he had put the money in while in the post office. Someone that worked there may have seen him do it and taken it. That was before his heart attack.
Father's day and Mother's day have always been nothing days for me because of who my parents are. I would like to be able to celebrate them before they leave this plane.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
...running on fumes and waiting.
Spent all last week running from office to office doing paperwork. Really time consuming stuff. I hate the aid office because of the hopeless angry smelly air there. I leave with a stack of papers, and score a free phone on my way out two times. So I have a way to contact people in the meantime.
Labor ready texts but the one job I could do I didn't find out about till 30 minutes before. I wouldn't mind spending an afternoon at the convention center and getting paid for it. I'm ironically running out of everything and no cash in sight.
The $18,000 matrix keeps coming up with new things every day. People are getting restless and wondering when the money happens. There are no concrete answers, so of course people are getting pissed. The company is encouraging people to be patient and hang in there. It's just around the corner they say. Well it's been 5 weeks. When! My account is negative, let's get it going.
I got up early to go to the Jewish food pantry. They don't start seeing people till 10 but people start lining up at 6am. I got there around 8. The weather has been grey and sprinkling for days. Like being back in Seattle. I noticed an attractive man up toward the front of the line. I realized it was this guy I have seen around Hollywood for a couple of years. He always dresses very dapper. Sort of 1940s. Always is matching perfectly. Tall, striking features. But today he was in a sweatsuit and sneakers so I didn't make the connection right away. Whenever I see him my heart races. He looks at me and I look at him, and we both seem sort of nervous. I try and smile a little but not cheezy. I would love to talk to him, see what's up with his fashion. Today didn't seem like the day either. I was just glad I put on some makeup, even if I was just going to the food bank. This place gives you mostly organic foods. You can get fresh garden veggies, milk and bread and stuff. All the stuff I can't score at the office where I live. They give you big heavy bags too, so everyone comes with a rolling basket, or suitcase to handle it. I just had three fabric bags. They gave me one too. It was a struggle to get home. But I was glad I made the trip. I have to force myself to bake chicken this weekend. I have tons of it.
One of my agencies was telling me about a job that pays $17 an hour. Of course I was thinking that would be awesome cash. But they are notorious for not being able to get me a job where they tell me there is one. They have done this to me multiple times, then end up sending me on a labor job instead that pays $10. I can't keep going through this bullshit.
Labor ready texts but the one job I could do I didn't find out about till 30 minutes before. I wouldn't mind spending an afternoon at the convention center and getting paid for it. I'm ironically running out of everything and no cash in sight.
The $18,000 matrix keeps coming up with new things every day. People are getting restless and wondering when the money happens. There are no concrete answers, so of course people are getting pissed. The company is encouraging people to be patient and hang in there. It's just around the corner they say. Well it's been 5 weeks. When! My account is negative, let's get it going.
I got up early to go to the Jewish food pantry. They don't start seeing people till 10 but people start lining up at 6am. I got there around 8. The weather has been grey and sprinkling for days. Like being back in Seattle. I noticed an attractive man up toward the front of the line. I realized it was this guy I have seen around Hollywood for a couple of years. He always dresses very dapper. Sort of 1940s. Always is matching perfectly. Tall, striking features. But today he was in a sweatsuit and sneakers so I didn't make the connection right away. Whenever I see him my heart races. He looks at me and I look at him, and we both seem sort of nervous. I try and smile a little but not cheezy. I would love to talk to him, see what's up with his fashion. Today didn't seem like the day either. I was just glad I put on some makeup, even if I was just going to the food bank. This place gives you mostly organic foods. You can get fresh garden veggies, milk and bread and stuff. All the stuff I can't score at the office where I live. They give you big heavy bags too, so everyone comes with a rolling basket, or suitcase to handle it. I just had three fabric bags. They gave me one too. It was a struggle to get home. But I was glad I made the trip. I have to force myself to bake chicken this weekend. I have tons of it.
One of my agencies was telling me about a job that pays $17 an hour. Of course I was thinking that would be awesome cash. But they are notorious for not being able to get me a job where they tell me there is one. They have done this to me multiple times, then end up sending me on a labor job instead that pays $10. I can't keep going through this bullshit.
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