.....Father's Day again

It's a hot day already and it's not even noon. It's father's day and on FB everyone is saying happy father's day to all the guys with kids and dads. People are posting pictures of their father's and writing these long paragraphs about how much they love him. Only one friend had a similar experience to mine. He said that his father was absentee and his step father was like having a bully living in the home. He said so Lou Reed is my daddy today. 

My relationships with both my parents are non existent to say the least. I can't even pick up the phone and call today and say happy father's day. It would be disingenuous. You call because you love your dad. You appreciate your dad. I don't know how I feel about him, and appreciating him is not something I can say definitively. There are things I appreciate about him. But overall he didn't really make the right choices. He chose not to be in my life because his wife didn't want him to be and he went along with it. How do you celebrate a man who did this? I don't. I don't hate him, I just don't have warm fuzzy feelings for him. There will come a time when I will go to Texas and see him face to face. One of the reasons I am working so hard to get free financially. One of the main reasons I haven't seen any of my family for decades is money. I couldn't afford to go anywhere. Or I would have to work over the holidays anyway. But all this has changed. 
My father has been bed ridden since 2007, after his heart attack. He is unable to drive a car, or stand by himself. He slurs when he speaks. It makes me sad that this happened to him. It makes me feel like he doesn't have much time left on earth. I dread finding out on FB that he has died. I don't want that. 

For two decades when I called his house when I didn't get the answering machine, if someone answered the phone and found it was me on the line, they hung up in my face. This went on for 20 years. Then one day my dad answered the phone, and I spoke to him. I was in that nasty hotel in Florida and needed money. He sent his uncle over to see me, to make sure I wasn't on crack. I would go to stay at a Christian shelter, and he'd fedex some cash to me, and someone stole it. I got an empty envelope that had clearly  been retaped shut at the bottom. When I told him this, at first I could tell he was suspicious. But as the conversation went on he could tell I wasn't lying. He realized he had put the money in while in the post office. Someone that worked there may have seen him do it and taken it. That was before his heart attack. 

Father's day and Mother's day have always been nothing days for me because of who my parents are. I would like to be able to celebrate them before they leave this plane.