Holding..

It rained a few nights ago. It was unexpected, but the rub is the room where I sleep leaks at the window. So not only does the curtain get wet, but my dresser and anything on it, water has warped the wall under the window. If it rains a long time water will seep all the way into the corner of the room and get everything I have stacked there wet. Not to mention this causes things to mold. Mold causes sinus infections. I can't wait to leave this place.

My friend who lived here couldn't take anymore and left to live with a friend from school. Another friend was tired of trying to find work and went back to her old job in Arizona. I got a tiny raise at work. So I am not quite making minimum wage, but I don't care. I love my job. I can catch up on all those albums I've been meaning to sample while I am working. By no means is my life in order or perfect. But I love my life right now.

Looking forward to having my own apartment again. I have found many options in Hollywood. I don't want to leave Hollywood. I really feel good there. Downtown is okay as long as it's Korea town or little Toyko, or arts district. 

I have to start creating things again. I have a studio at my disposal, so I want to get some creative stuff happening. I want to change my style a bit. I feel like when I open my closet it could be circus stuff because of all the prints and colors. I want to have some simple pieces to supplement with. Some things I made, just don't appeal to me anymore. I feel stupid wearing them. Like a straight clown. I need blouses that are flattering. Skirts that are feminine, and nice shoes. I hate all my shoes. Cheap $10 shoes need to be thrown away and replaced with real stuff. Nice quality stuff. 

I have a big crush on my movie meetup partner. But I have a feeling that would never go anywhere, so I will keep it a crush. 

I'm really tired by the time I make the hour and a half bus ride home. I have zero energy for anything. I would like that to change.

Bill Cosby Gate

Months have passed since we first heard about the line of accusers, saying that Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. This week Damon Wayans says that, Bill had relationships with all of these women and suddenly because Bill can no longer get it up, then suddenly these women cry rape.

Have you not heard of Viagra Damon?

People are astounded by the number of women coming forward. It's hard to believe that he somehow got away with doing this to so many women. Why didn't anyone step up till now?

Bill Cosby is one of the most powerful entertainers in Hollywood, and has been since the 1960's. Beyond famous with a squeaky clean reputation. You didn't hear about Bill tearing through Hollywood in a drunken rage, brawling at bars, doing cocaine and whatnot. He had a wife and a house full of kids and an incredible work ethic and was liked by many power players in the game. I could see how an up and coming actor or actress would think the right recommendation from Bill would catapult their career into the stratosphere. 

Say you are out at a function, a meet and greet with the whose who of the business. Bill Cosby and his wife are there. Someone you know introduces you to Bill and Camille, and you chat for a while. He's funny and nice. He asks you questions about what you want for your career. He seems genuinely interested in what you have to say. He tells you he knows people and can get you in wherever you wish. Let's just talk about it a little more this weekend at my dinner party at my home. Camille may chime in that they would love to have you there. You think, cool. Dinner with the Cosbys!

The day comes, and you get to the house. Camille greets you and takes you into the house. There may or may not be a friend or two there as well having a drink and talking. Dinner is served you eat and talk and have a great time. Everything is going great. Then dinner is over. The other friends have to run, so it's just you Bill and his wife. Then the next thing you know the wife is yawing and excusing herself to go to bed. You think well if your hostess is tired then you should be a good guest and excuse yourself. Bill thinks no such thing. It's early, lets just talk some more about your career have a drink. Relax, you don't have to leave yet.

Here's where it gets tricky.....

As a woman, do you risk INSULTING ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN HOLLYWOOD by insisting you have to go? What will happen to your career after that? Will I be blackballed from the industry? Bill is a nice man, he would never do that...or would he?

Your mind is racing. Well he's a married man. His wife is upstairs, nothing would ever happen. I am perfectly safe. He's been a gentleman since we met at the party. Besides maybe he has some really important advice for me. 

You rationalize being alone with a man you barely know.

It's Bill Cosby. He's a gentleman. A family man. A married man. I will be okay.

He pours you a drink. He sits down on the same sofa as you, and you start chatting about goals. You start to feel sleepy... You are a little embarrassed that you are so tired suddenly, so you try and wave it off....

The screen goes black.

When you wake up, you know something isn't right. Your clothes are gone, and you are in the guest room. Who undressed you?! You panic a bit. You feel that you have had sex. You have marks on your body, you are confused. You are still in the Cosby's home. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Did we have sex? I couldn't have had sex with him, I don't remember it. I have clearly had sex though. Did I have sex with Bill Cosby? 

Your mind is racing. 

WAS I RAPED BY BILL COSBY ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN HOLLYWOOD?

If I was and I tell anyone, they won't believe me. He's a family man, he's married and has a squeaky clean reputation! He's not some drunken bar brawling coke fiend. He is a gentleman. YOU ARE A LYING NOBODY! 

Ill have to go back to bumblefuk wherever I am from. I'll never be famous. Everyone in bumblefuk will say we told you you didn't have what it took. 

DID I HAVE SEX WITH BILL COSBY?!?!?!?!?!? 

If I did, will he help me?

You see him the next morning, and everything is fine. He told his wife you had too much to drink and he didn't want you to drive, so it was late so you just crashed in the guest room.

Camille smiles and greets you and invites you to sit and eat.

You are trying to behave graciously, even though you want to blurt out 'DID WE HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT?' You keep your mouth shut. 

THE RAMIFICATIONS OF EVEN ASKING COULD BE TOO GREAT. Asking Bill himself if he had sex with my unconscious body? AWKWARD! I could risk offending him ever MORE than I would have if I would have just declined the invitation to stay after dinner last night. He seems fine. Not different. He wouldn't do that to me, would he? I know my body. I know when I have had sex.

There isn't anything I can do about it that won't result in me BEING LAUGHED OR CHASED OUT OF THIS TOWN. 

HE IS POWERFUL. He can have me erased if he wanted to.

I have to keep this to myself.

I still need his help. But I'm not going to be as bold as to say 'Bill will you introduce me to so and so.' Then I would be an opportunist. He seems like he's interested in my career. I think he is. I don't know anymore. 

You get dressed and say good bye, and go back to your crappy west hollywood apartment. A few days later the phone rings, and it's Bill. He says he's having another party, and this time some really heavy hitting directors will be there. He asks if you would like to come. You of course say yes. 

There may or may not be directors there. You might talk to someone who could change your whole life. They asked if you would like to test for a role in their next movie. YES! The night is great. People start thinning out again. You want to go too. But Bill says the director had some notes about your appearance you had to handle before your test. You better stay behind so you can 'talk about them'.  He pours your drink again......

People wondered how it could have gone down.

I just told you.

If it was a 'relationship' Mr. Wayans, it was a coercive one.