In there like swimwear...kind of

I had to get up early so I could get to the housing place. My car was full of stuff. Luckily they had an old shopping cart so I could wheel my stuff into the building. I waited quite a while till the manager came out. Then he wanted to give us a tour of the building. There was a mountain of paperwork to do, which I wasn't prepared for. Then an inspection. I was like 'I have to get to work can we hurry this up.' I was thinking it, not saying it of course. I finally got everything in the room and stuffed into the closet for later. It will probably be the weekend before I can go through everything and get stuff sorted. The room is very nice. Like a hotel room. I just hope the bed is comfortable. I want to get a rug so I can do my floor excercises.

So I finally got to work and was looking forward to seeing the hot intern. He wasn't here. No one heard from him. He text the boss mom saying ' He didn't think he could reach his potential at our company.' So he basically quit after a day.
This is typical.

I mean, I see a guy and am wildly attracted to him, and he leaves me flat. SOOOOooOOOoooo my life. 

But enough of that. Now all about me. Onward and upward.

...and then the sky opened.

On Wednesday I was driving and got a text from my case manager. She said that she got an e mail that I was to have an interview the following Friday. I was like finally. Later that day I got a call from a woman who wanted to confirm that I would be at this meeting. I told her absolutely! Progress!

On Friday I was early and waited for my interview for housing. This guy T came out to greet me and take me to the conference room to wait for L. When L came in she was just as I imagined, except in great physical shape. She asked me why I was homeless, and I explained to her what happened. How when I was in school a full time job wasn't happening. I told her I applied a year prior, and that when I was at the emergency shelter applied again with my case manager J. She was shocked. She didn't know I had been in the emergency shelter, and filled out another application. She tells me " Had I gotten a hold of that information, you could have been in months ago." J just happened to be on vacation so she couldn't ask her about it. The interview went great, and she said she was sure she could get me in the following week. RELIEF!

But I still had to make it through the remaining days. My boss mom is in town so she invited me to stay at the house. To sleep in a bed feels so great. 

Our intern from Finland arrived on Monday and DAMN! This man is beautiful! Tall, brown, tatted bald with an accent. Just so gorgeous I can't believe it. I tried not to stare at him because I was sure I would burst into giggling. So I tried staying businesslike and busy all day. He left early to get a ride with the boss back to his house. That night the game was on and mad people were at the boss' house to watch. Next thing I know here he comes with beer and a girl in tow. My boss offers the girl smoke out on the porch. He makes it a point to tell us 'she's like a little sister to him.' She lives in NY and came for a visit. We watch the game, and my team loses. We all sit and talk. I guess she was once from Finland as well at one point. I ask questions about their country. About fashion, music and movies. It starts to get late so they leave because she has to catch her plane home.

All night I dreamed of him in every way imaginable. He's the right (younger) age. His son is 16 so he probably is cool in that area. He's creative. Did I mention gorgeous? He doesn't smoke weed either. Thank God. I started looking forward to the next day. But he didn't show up. I called the boss mom to see if she'd heard from him. She told me his friend missed her plane, so he wouldn't be in today.

Missed her plane huh? I got a little jealous. I hope there isn't a surprise like she isn't going back and now they are in a relationship.

Ugh.

I don't need that.

Shut out continues

Of course first thing in the morning I started calling. A new receptionist answers. I ask if R, D or L are there. R is there, hold please. She comes back on the line, and he won't take my call. 

OK

Then is L there. She isn't yet but when she comes in, she won't be taking calls. 

OK

How about D. She will be in soon.

I'll call back in an hour.

An hour passes and I call back. Is D there. Yes she is. Who's calling? I say my name. I get put on hold. Magically D gets on the phone. I explain how a week ago TODAY, L told me I was clear to move in. The housing manager has to call me. I have been trying ever since. She says she's going into a meeting, so she can get some answers for me. She'll call me in 10 minutes.

I think " That's a short meeting." Meetings are usually longer than 10 minutes. It seems like all these people do is go to meetings, and trainings, and retreats. DO they actually do any work with the homeless? I mean....

I am at the end of my patience. I know she isn't going to call back in 10 minutes. It's like the last times, when she was supposed to call me back and then LEFT for the day. I'll be shocked if I ever hear from her again. 

I called the emergency shelter manager to see if she could offer some advice or insight into this matter. She was busy with a client, then when I called back it was Ill give her the message. It's as if the word has circulated to 'not talk to me'. No one will talk to me. When I say my name, it's as if I am on some list when I have been banned for life. But no one told me. They are just doing it behind my back. 

It's the principal at this point. People want to ignore you so you will just go away. But fuck that shit. I'm going to get more and more annoying. Because of how you are handling the situation. The avoidance thing is a trigger for me. I think for everyone it is. When people won't listen to you, acknowledge you, or even engage with you- it makes you feel some type of way. Which is not good. Might even insight anger.

I am not the one, seriously. 

I am not here for this type of treatment. If you aren't going to have me move in for whatever reason SAY SO!!! Don't just play games! Don't just put me on ignore.

It's rude
it's disrespectful
it's immature
it's unbusinesslike
it's dismissive

get with the program people.

-------amendment

The last call I made the receptionist put me on hold and came back and parroted " You are going to have to hold on a minute because they are still filling out paperwork."

How much fucking paperwork needs to be filled out to move someone into a shelter program? As many as I have been in in my life it has never taken this long. I've been waiting a YEAR, and a month to get in. The past 6 months we have been in consistent contact because I was in emergency shelters that had exit dates. FOR 3 weeks I have been squatting. HOW FUCKING LONG DOES IT TAKE TO FILL OUT PAPERWORK?!!

FUCK!

Rhetorical Anger

As per usual I spent the day calling the shelter. As per usual the people I wanted to speak with were 'unavailable'. This is really pissing me off to the point where I really want to do one of my notorious pop ups. It's more like a pop up and sit in. I sit there till someone tells me what I need to know. These people work in a field with people who are in crisis and homeless, then dodge them all day? I am really getting to the point where I am about to really get in people's faces. I can't take this treatment weeks on end. Do they even wonder where I am when they are dodging me? If I am safe? If I have a place to stay? Do they give a fucking greasy shit? I am so tired of squatting. Of course my inflatable bed is half deflating. The top half where my upper body and butt is started losing air. The bottom half with my legs, full of air. So I flipped upside down to sleep. My feet were in a ditch even though I put one of my pillows in it. There is a pump, but I don't know if there is a leak or not. I want to sleep in a bed!

I want to take a shower every night if I want to. If there is a super hot day, I want to shower after without using my gas. My boss mom came to visit and gave me a nice perfume set. I thought that was nice of her. No one has given me anything like that in a thousand years. A teacher once bought me Bill Blass when I graduated my vocational class. That was like 20 some odd years ago. 

I did a bunch of drawings for the women's line last night. I have to find black zippers for my new motorcycle jacket. I think I want a nice pastel linen motorcycle jacket. Our meeting with the guys who want to license us is in two days, and we have to straighten this place up. It's not bad, but it's not good either. It's a tiny workspace. 

I have been craving new clothes like crazy. But I want to start losing weight. I can't wait for the weight to come off. That's all I dream about. That and my new boyfriend. Whomever he may be. 

Tomorrow I will make more phone calls. HopefullyI won't be here ten more days. My rapid rehousing appointment is on the 15th. I doubt it will be something that happens ironically; rapidly. It would be great if it did.

But I am on the low end of the homeless totem pole.

Not mentally ill

not a mother

don't have HIV or AIDS

not on drugs

not fresh out of rehab

not fresh out of prison

not fleeing domestic abuse

not a veteran.

All of these people will get housed before me.

I need help and no one gives a shit.

No crisis here, enjoy your weekend.

So on Tuesday I finally got the lady L on the phone. She said I was all set to move in, just had to get the housing manager D to sign something and I would be in by the end of the week. A little relief, but I will be relieved when I am all moved in and laying in my bed in my room. So I held my breath. Call me tomorrow after 3. Ok no problem. I call Wednesday after 3, can't get her on the phone. Call all day Thursday, nothing. Then Friday morning I call. She isn't in yet. I call several more times. Nothing. Last night inside the warehouse was hot. Uncomfortable. Outside is the perfect cool breezy temperature. But I don't have any windows I can open, and I can't stand the door open because technically I am supposed to be on the low. Some people leave their lights on over night so lights being on isn't strange. I try not to have them on super late. I wish I had just a lamp I could use. But Friday was blazing hot. The first really hot 90 something day. Inside the warehouse there is only one working fan. It's not enough. There is no way to put an A/C unit in because the windows don't open. So with the door closed it's easily 15 degrees hotter. I wanted to sleep with air or at least a window I could open. At 4pm I got someone on the line. It was D's secretary. She asked if she could have D call me back in 5. I said yes. I had to drive to pick up supplies, but I would be driving longer than 5 minutes. I take my phone with me into the place so I don't miss the call. I get back in the car and still no call. It's been at least a half an hour. I call back. D is gone for the day. For the weekend actually. Oh really? NICE! THATS AWESOME! It's not like anyone is homeless or anything. I mean SERIOUSLY?!!!! Sometimes I wonder if they even know what business they are in. I got overwhelmed with anger, and frustration. I just went limp. I thought about crying, but what good would that do? I felt hollow. Invisible. I pictured screaming and cursing at this woman. You have hot water, a shower, a toilet, air conditioning, a bed that isn't a blow up mat on the floor. I guess I should be grateful I don't have to sleep in my car. That my boss is cool with me crashing here. I just am starting to feel like people are figuring out that I am here. I didn't expect to be here as long as I have. Just a couple of days. It's been two going into three weeks. I feel embarrassed. Like something is wrong, and I can't fix it. 

THis huRTS.