There is no other way to interpret that....

It's been over a month since I posted. I have been in hell. Searching for work, stressing out, melting down. Trying to hold of mental illness resulting from the stress. Overwhelmed.

I send out tons of applications and resumes. Then a few days ago I realize that when I send them directly from my e mail it kills the formatting of my resume causing it to look as if it were typed by a 5 year old. HOW MANY WENT OUT THIS WAY!!! NO WONDER NO ONE CALLS ME BACK!

Luckily this is not the case for careerbuilder or indeed because it formats for you. I got a call from CB for an insurance company. Had two interviews, now I wait. 

In the meanwhile, dumb random guys text me. Ones I have never met and don't live close by. There was an Asian guy on a dating site that seemed pretty intellectual. We were matched at 94% which is damn high. So I thought I would see what was up with him. We e mailed a bit on the site. He seemed cool. Then today he asks if I would be open to something "casual."  I thought it best not to assume so I asked. "Do you mean casual like a burger and fries, or casual like sex." He said both. 

I think hmmmm, interesting. He has already decided before even meeting me that I am not relationship material. BUT...that he will fuck me, right after he buys me a burger and fries. I bet he wants to in his car as well. I asked him 'what gives' and he hasn't answered the question. Now, have an algorhythm match us so high and then for him to just categorically dismiss me but not what is between my legs is just insulting. He knows it. I don't expect an answer back from him. Because he knows it's ugly to say. I try to remain open minded. I try not to assume things of people. However, I always think Asian men, if they go outside their race will commit to someone white over anyone else. But I am open to being totally wrong about that.  I don't look to science to find me a mate, but I can at least be curious if science can get some things right.  This man has already decided that he will not engage with me on a romantic, or emotional level. But that he will happily put himself in me for his own pleasure. 

TIRED.
OF 
THIS 
BULLSHIT.

Tired of not being human in people's eyes. Tired of being approached with crumbs and told their diamonds. Tired of people acting like I should be thankful for the bullshit I get. Tired of being painted as the angry black woman as if I have nothing to be angry about. Tired of reading articles about how undesirable I am, both economically and romantically. Tired of everything. 

Just want things to change for the better, and for things to open in a way for me to be successful and happy.