The minute you let go....

I got tired of asking for my book. He kept saying he would be here one day then change it to the next and the next. Then he would 'drop it in the mail.' I gave him my address but he doesn't know my last name, nor did he ask. So I figured he wasn't going to even attempt to return the book. If he mailed it I couldn't talk to him. But I had to just let go. I made myself stop thinking about him. When I did I would just tell myself NO. I planned to purchase another book from amazon later. I erase his number and all of his secret texts I had been saving. Then I am sitting home doing my toes and I get a text, "Driving by ya home." This sounded like the 20 something knucklehead. He would text me that all of the time. But I have his number so why didn't his name come up. I text back 'who is?' He texts his name with 'I have your book.' I was a little shocked. I went to text back and my phone froze up. I couldn't do anything. I tried to call but the phone wouldn't budge. Then suddenly it puts the call through, and he answers. I have been calling him for weeks and he wouldn't pick up. He says he's down the street on his way here. I forgot he goes to the gym up the street almost every day. I got a little angry because I forgot about that. How many times could he have dropped it off?! What a dick head! Anyway. I tell him I will meet him at the plaza across the street. He pulls up and I see the book on the passenger seat. I open the door to grab it, and he is all chatty and shiny. He was always shiny. With gorgeous skin and a perfect white smile. He asks how I have been, and I say good. He asks more questions as I lean over to his passenger side. Then I realize how tacky that looks in this particular neighborhood (it is Sunset BLVD afterall) and I tell him I am going to crawl in. I was brutally hot out anyway. He is chatting me up and smiling. Asking about my dating life, if it's been good to me. How fucking DARE you ask about my dating life you asshole. You abandon me completely four months ago after what you pulled and now you want to know about my dating life? But I was cool. I wasn't going to get upset and let him see he got to me. I thought about my new crush and said it was good. The new crush actually has potential to go someplace as well. Unlike this jerk. He asks about different sites, and he was hinting about the site we met on but I didn't tell him anything. He talked about work, and that he liked the book. I doubt he actually read it. He tells me he moved out of his impossibly tiny apartment downtown. He had a giant king sized bed that took up 2/3rds of the place and it was kind of comical. The building where he lived had been overcharging everyone so they got really low rent for several months which enabled him to move someplace else. He moved to long beach which he said it totally different from DTLA. He misses being in the city and said he may move back. Ok, good for you. There was a pause so I brought up his trespass against me, and told him how uncool it was. I explained how stressed out I was, and how it said a lot about him how he disappeared afterward, and didn't bother to see how I was. He looked really sad and said he was really sorry about that, and gave me a hug. He said some flirtatious things to me, and said he missed my body. I was like 'who's fault is that?' I was really pleased that I didn't get all emotional, or try and get him back with me. He claims to be seeing someone anyway. Poor Girl. He is living proof that all pretty packages aint good for you. He tried to tell me that he would be better about keeping in touch. I just looked at him and laughed a little. I got out of the car and said good bye. Closure happened. Have my book back. The end.

PISSED!!!!

Once a few years ago I was walking home drinking a shake.

Right in front of my apartment building a man on a bike rode

past me and slapped me across the ass and rode away.  I 

was stunned and couldn't believe the balls on this guy. I had

on flip flops so chasing him was out of the question. I was

very angry someone had the nerve to touch me who didn't

even know me.

Tonight I am walking home and this kid about 16 is walking

down the sidewalk looking down at his phone. I thought he

isn't going to see where he is going. Just as he gets to me

he reaches up and grabs my breast and keeps walking. I 

was again stunned, and annoyed this asshole has the nerve

to touch me and he doesn't even know me. It's not like I 

dress revealing. Even if I do there is no excuse for this shit.

If I would have chased him and beat him down I am sure I 

would have been labeled a criminal and taken to jail.  I 

remember what this kid looks like, and if I see him again

I am calling the police. I am filing a report.

I am cleaning major house because I am just really tired of

how I feel. I loaned a book to a guy who didn't treat me very

nice and would cross my personal boundaries and then

disappear. I wanted my book from him. Yes I could just buy

another one. But I also wanted to confront him about what

he did to me, and how it made me feel. He of course texts 

'who is this' like he's so fucking cute. Yeah he erased my 

number too. I do that too so it's no biggie. I tell him I need

to speak with him and he takes a week to tell me he's seeing

someone, sorry. I don't give two shits that you are seeing

someone. Poor girl. I don't date weed heads so it's nothing

for me to get jealous over. I wonder if he is going to comply

Or just act like an asshole. I vote asshole. He just isn't a

nice person. He pretends, but it's all an act. I am not sad

he's gone. It's the principal of the damn thing.


I did start the process of starting my own company. I hope

I don't hit any brick walls in my journey. 

Rainy Sunday.....

Just because a child is the center of your life doesn't mean you are a great parent.

It finally rained here. It's a strange feeling when it rains in southern California. It's a melancholy relief. I wanted to go to the spiritual center, and woke up with my lower back aching so I moved very slow. Of course when I walked out of my gate the bus went past. I waited at the stop, it wasn't raining but I brought a jacket anyway. It was still hot out. It reminded me of being in Florida because it was humid as hell. I finally got to the center and it wasn't as crowded as last weeks birthday celebration. I went to the bulletin board to see if there were any job listings. Not a one. I went to sit down. I sat on the end of the aisle next to a white guy with a beard. I really dread the part of the ceremony when you have to turn to the stranger next to you and say all this intimate stuff. It really makes me uncomfortable. I like when I find a spot when I am the odd person out and I don't have to do it. He was reasonably attractive, I got through it. As the service went on whenever an attractive thin woman would walk by he would watch her and even turn around to watch her walk past. It was kind of weird. A very cute racially ambiguous man walked into our section. I felt a zap when I looked at him. He had long braids down his back and glasses. He was dressed casually, with cute vans type sneakers, and he sat right in front of me. It took all of my strength not to start playing with his braids that fell over the back of the chair. My heart was pounding. When I got up to leave I couldn't turn and look at him. That's two Sundays in a row there were incredibly attractive men at church. I can't help but hope this is a trend. When I walked across the parking lot to go to my bus stop, I couldn't help but notice that there were several very attractive well put together black men escorting sort of plain white women. It was kind of odd to me. There there was myself and another attractive black female walking alone. I could only think of how tired I am of being alone. 

I got home and wondered what I could put together to eat. I can't even talk about it because it's just so depressing. 

I worry sometimes. That because I am experiencing sadness and anger, that I am not really putting out the right energy to attract what it is a truly want because I am so down about my current situation. I guess I understand why people want to get outside of themselves. But that doesn't solve or change anything and probably makes things worse.  I wish I could snap my fingers and it would just go away. I have to get up early and go to the workforce center for an orientation so I can get a workforce officer to work with me to find a job. I can't believe it's come to this. I hope my check is ready tomorrow so I don't have to swing on anyone. (so to speak)

I got a little sad because my BFF went to the movies without me today. Had I gotten my check I could have gone with her. 

THIS SHIT HAS TO STOP.

Remnants and greendom......

It's been three days since the assignment ended and I am still fighting with my feet. On each foot underneath between the heel and the arch is a lump that will not go down. It's sore and the skin is peeling on top of the lump. I have identical lumps on each foot. It's freaking me out a little. I don't have a doctor to go to. I have been soaking my feet over and over and they will not go away. It's not painful to walk, but I know this is not normal.

I was going to hunger strike this weekend, but I finally gave in and got the last of what was in the cupboard and make tuna casserole and ate it all yesterday so now today it's chicken noodle soup. Only one can and hope that my check finds its way to the office tomorrow.

Today is one of my old coworkers birthday. She was this pretty Latina girl who used to be really fat and lost all the weight. She was well into her 20's and still living at home. She drove a luxury jeep and wore nice clothes. Because she lived at home she saved all her money and because she did she was able to BUY A HOUSE when she moved out. She furnished it too. Her car was bought at auction by her brother for pennies on the dollar. I used to call it the brat mobile. She would laugh. She was the nicest girl ever, but had a hard time finding a date. But a few years ago she met a handsome prince who she got engaged to. Today he took her on a balloon ride for her birthday. That is the perfect fiancee. I think, her life is so linear. Everything in it's place. Even her dog is cute. I can't hate her because she's so nice. I just wish I could have that too.

I really want to go to the spiritual center today, but I am already dragging my butt. Maybe they have some job postings I could use. 

It would be great if I could catch a break and get a real job this week.

weekend of....

The icing on my day is my friends going to a concert I wanted to go to (had I gotten my check) without me and posting all the fun they are having on line. 

I have been running back and forth to the bathroom because my stomach is turning on me.

Yay weekend!

Weird revelation...

I went to the dollar store last Saturday to get a few things. I bought these DKNY platform sandals ages ago and just started wearing them because they are the only shoes that don't hurt my feet if I have to do any walking. They kind of remind me of Mushrooms platforms that were popular in the 70's. They are white with a hot pink foam sole. They are comfortable to wear. The dollar store has ice chests in the front of the store. They piled rugs in front of them to catch the water that might run off of them. I was walking by and fell on my knees because I tripped over the ill placed rugs. I felt a click in my bad knee and got worried I wouldn't be able to walk home like when I fell off the bus that day. But strangely enough it felt better than before. It was as if the fall clicked my knee back in place after 9 years. I don't know this to be true and I haven't tried it out. But it would be cool if it was. 

I noticed my body buggling around when I move certain ways and walk. Like jiggling some. So I got on the scale to weigh myself. I had gained 21 more pounds. I don't know when, but that probably has something to do with why my feet have been hurting more than usual lately. I have to go hard if I am ever going to be taken seriously the way I want to be in this life.

what the hell was I thinking?

I agreed to working at Barney's. What the hell was I thinking? I have done two days of a 5 day contract and I am in pain. 8 hours on my feet is murder, and I can barely move at the end of the day. I have to lose weight. This has driven the point home for me. I can't have a job where I stand up all day. I knew that, but something in me told me to ignore it. Like don't NOT do stuff because of you are overweight and don't want to be in pain because of it. But this pain is ridiculous. I mean truth be told I am managing it better than I thought I would. I can still walk around and stuff. I am not in screaming pain. Just old lady walk pain. Limping around Barney's makes me feel self conscious. Like everyone is judging me for being fat. I can barely walk up and down a tiny flight of stairs without holding both rails to keep the weight off my feet. I swear at the end of the day it was like my feet would pop under the pressure. The throbbing pain was endless. I was frustrated and angry at myself. Of course I have doughnuts for dinner. But my body is covered in sweat all day so I feel like I am losing weight. My arms are changing from all the lifting and pushing heavy carts. I just want something to change so everything happens the way I want it to.

On the sales floor in cosmetics the lights are super bright. There are all these giant pillars covered in mirrors floor to ceiling. I can't stand seeing myself limping by them. I am usually sweatty and wearing not the most flattering outfit. There are all these Beverly Hills types milling around, and then there's me. It feels weird. It's like being in a foreign country because it's a completely different quality of life. People who don't even bat an eyelash at $800 shoes and $30 for lipstick. It's totally normal. I don't think I would ever normalize that kind of spending just because of where I have been. Being able to get through the whole week was important to me. One by one people stopped coming. Only three of us made it to the end. I kept thinking about getting that check on Friday, getting my nails done, getting something to eat, and going to a movie for the first time in months. My contact person told me the checks would be there after 11am so to come by then. It's an hour bus ride, but I thought hey it's going to be a good day. I haven't had a decent meal in two days and I didn't eat breakfast. I would get my appetite ready for a great lunch. I get to the office and my contact persons boss is there and tells me that they submitted the hours late so the checks aren't there and won't be till Monday or Tuesday! I was L I V I D! If there were a time I wanted to be the angry loud black bitch it was that moment. But I was too weak from hunger. I was clearly upset about it. I asked if they could cut me a company check and cancel the other one so I could get my money. She doesn't need to know my situation. But she said no, the checks are sent from Orange County. I didn't give two shits. I was at the job site early every day, worked my ass off not to mention the swelling in my ankles and feet and back pain, and THEY CAN'T PAY ME ON TIME!  So angry I can't even see straight. I don't have any food other than a can of soup. I'm really thinking about not even eating that. Just drinking water and juice the next three days. I am really angry. Just everything is getting on my nerves. I just wanted to be able to escape and be normal this weekend and now I can't because 'they didn't turn the hours in on time.' 

I watched this video a couple of days ago and it got to me. Really got under my skin. It was one of those 'why black men don't date black women.' videos. It was different because it wasn't all bashing. But it brought up something real but it still felt like bashing because it seemed like he was saying it was a choice rather than a condition. He said that black women represent struggle and black men don't want that. That black men grew up watching all the women in their lives struggle, be frustrated, be railroaded, taken advantage of, used and abused and somehow white women are the antithesis of this. An escape hatch for black men. I thought about this as I exited the Beverly Hills high rise that refused to pay me. I was angry and frustrated. The man in the video said that ' if you had to endure the injustice, and frustration day in and day out that black women do you would have a bad attitude too.' I turn my anger inward. I don't lash out and people, and scream and yell. Because that's the picture of me the world wants to see. I will sit in a dark room all weekend sulking being pissed at the world. I thought about how great it would be to NEVER be in this position ever again. To where someone's incompetence decides whether or not I eat for the next 3 to 4 days. How I never have to break my back to make $400 again. How I could go to any restaurant in the city and have an amazing meal and not worry about cost. Spend my days going and doing whatever I want. I can't take much more of this bullshit.