what the hell was I thinking?

I agreed to working at Barney's. What the hell was I thinking? I have done two days of a 5 day contract and I am in pain. 8 hours on my feet is murder, and I can barely move at the end of the day. I have to lose weight. This has driven the point home for me. I can't have a job where I stand up all day. I knew that, but something in me told me to ignore it. Like don't NOT do stuff because of you are overweight and don't want to be in pain because of it. But this pain is ridiculous. I mean truth be told I am managing it better than I thought I would. I can still walk around and stuff. I am not in screaming pain. Just old lady walk pain. Limping around Barney's makes me feel self conscious. Like everyone is judging me for being fat. I can barely walk up and down a tiny flight of stairs without holding both rails to keep the weight off my feet. I swear at the end of the day it was like my feet would pop under the pressure. The throbbing pain was endless. I was frustrated and angry at myself. Of course I have doughnuts for dinner. But my body is covered in sweat all day so I feel like I am losing weight. My arms are changing from all the lifting and pushing heavy carts. I just want something to change so everything happens the way I want it to.

On the sales floor in cosmetics the lights are super bright. There are all these giant pillars covered in mirrors floor to ceiling. I can't stand seeing myself limping by them. I am usually sweatty and wearing not the most flattering outfit. There are all these Beverly Hills types milling around, and then there's me. It feels weird. It's like being in a foreign country because it's a completely different quality of life. People who don't even bat an eyelash at $800 shoes and $30 for lipstick. It's totally normal. I don't think I would ever normalize that kind of spending just because of where I have been. Being able to get through the whole week was important to me. One by one people stopped coming. Only three of us made it to the end. I kept thinking about getting that check on Friday, getting my nails done, getting something to eat, and going to a movie for the first time in months. My contact person told me the checks would be there after 11am so to come by then. It's an hour bus ride, but I thought hey it's going to be a good day. I haven't had a decent meal in two days and I didn't eat breakfast. I would get my appetite ready for a great lunch. I get to the office and my contact persons boss is there and tells me that they submitted the hours late so the checks aren't there and won't be till Monday or Tuesday! I was L I V I D! If there were a time I wanted to be the angry loud black bitch it was that moment. But I was too weak from hunger. I was clearly upset about it. I asked if they could cut me a company check and cancel the other one so I could get my money. She doesn't need to know my situation. But she said no, the checks are sent from Orange County. I didn't give two shits. I was at the job site early every day, worked my ass off not to mention the swelling in my ankles and feet and back pain, and THEY CAN'T PAY ME ON TIME!  So angry I can't even see straight. I don't have any food other than a can of soup. I'm really thinking about not even eating that. Just drinking water and juice the next three days. I am really angry. Just everything is getting on my nerves. I just wanted to be able to escape and be normal this weekend and now I can't because 'they didn't turn the hours in on time.' 

I watched this video a couple of days ago and it got to me. Really got under my skin. It was one of those 'why black men don't date black women.' videos. It was different because it wasn't all bashing. But it brought up something real but it still felt like bashing because it seemed like he was saying it was a choice rather than a condition. He said that black women represent struggle and black men don't want that. That black men grew up watching all the women in their lives struggle, be frustrated, be railroaded, taken advantage of, used and abused and somehow white women are the antithesis of this. An escape hatch for black men. I thought about this as I exited the Beverly Hills high rise that refused to pay me. I was angry and frustrated. The man in the video said that ' if you had to endure the injustice, and frustration day in and day out that black women do you would have a bad attitude too.' I turn my anger inward. I don't lash out and people, and scream and yell. Because that's the picture of me the world wants to see. I will sit in a dark room all weekend sulking being pissed at the world. I thought about how great it would be to NEVER be in this position ever again. To where someone's incompetence decides whether or not I eat for the next 3 to 4 days. How I never have to break my back to make $400 again. How I could go to any restaurant in the city and have an amazing meal and not worry about cost. Spend my days going and doing whatever I want. I can't take much more of this bullshit.