Rainy Sunday.....

Just because a child is the center of your life doesn't mean you are a great parent.

It finally rained here. It's a strange feeling when it rains in southern California. It's a melancholy relief. I wanted to go to the spiritual center, and woke up with my lower back aching so I moved very slow. Of course when I walked out of my gate the bus went past. I waited at the stop, it wasn't raining but I brought a jacket anyway. It was still hot out. It reminded me of being in Florida because it was humid as hell. I finally got to the center and it wasn't as crowded as last weeks birthday celebration. I went to the bulletin board to see if there were any job listings. Not a one. I went to sit down. I sat on the end of the aisle next to a white guy with a beard. I really dread the part of the ceremony when you have to turn to the stranger next to you and say all this intimate stuff. It really makes me uncomfortable. I like when I find a spot when I am the odd person out and I don't have to do it. He was reasonably attractive, I got through it. As the service went on whenever an attractive thin woman would walk by he would watch her and even turn around to watch her walk past. It was kind of weird. A very cute racially ambiguous man walked into our section. I felt a zap when I looked at him. He had long braids down his back and glasses. He was dressed casually, with cute vans type sneakers, and he sat right in front of me. It took all of my strength not to start playing with his braids that fell over the back of the chair. My heart was pounding. When I got up to leave I couldn't turn and look at him. That's two Sundays in a row there were incredibly attractive men at church. I can't help but hope this is a trend. When I walked across the parking lot to go to my bus stop, I couldn't help but notice that there were several very attractive well put together black men escorting sort of plain white women. It was kind of odd to me. There there was myself and another attractive black female walking alone. I could only think of how tired I am of being alone. 

I got home and wondered what I could put together to eat. I can't even talk about it because it's just so depressing. 

I worry sometimes. That because I am experiencing sadness and anger, that I am not really putting out the right energy to attract what it is a truly want because I am so down about my current situation. I guess I understand why people want to get outside of themselves. But that doesn't solve or change anything and probably makes things worse.  I wish I could snap my fingers and it would just go away. I have to get up early and go to the workforce center for an orientation so I can get a workforce officer to work with me to find a job. I can't believe it's come to this. I hope my check is ready tomorrow so I don't have to swing on anyone. (so to speak)

I got a little sad because my BFF went to the movies without me today. Had I gotten my check I could have gone with her. 

THIS SHIT HAS TO STOP.