it's sunday again....

I spent all night trying not to breathe in cold air. My room has NO heat at all and it feels like an icebox all of the time. In the summer it would trap heat and be like sitting in a sauna. But since I am trying to get better and land work I need to be well. I tossed and turned and tried to stay warm using blasts of warm air under my blanket from my hair dryer. I couldn't fall asleep because of worrying I would wake up sicker than I went to sleep. I didn't fall alseep till 5am. I slept till 9am. The Project Blowed 20th year anniversary show was today and I really wanted to go so I wanted to be as well as possible to hang out with my friends. NONE OF MY FRIENDS COULD COME! Ro takes care of her dad on the weekends. Day was going to Palm Springs for some gay weekend, My friend Q was here from Seattle. I told him I was ill on Tuesday but he said he'd be back in town Saturday. I was still sick Saturday but I didn't hear from him anyway. I messaged him about the concert. But I have a feeling he's in Palm Springs too. Ash had to work. So I had to go alone. I was kind of down that I would have to go by myself. Ash went with me last time. She met me there. I got there and nothing was set up. No acts in sight. I realized that I was really hungry too. I didn't have any money on me. Only gift cards. So I went to the mall to shop for bras. I had bought some on line and they were hopelessly too small and poorly made as well. So I wanted to get some that fit better. I got two different sizes. I am a C but lately I am spilling out of a C so I tried a D. D fits better than C but I am not a D. I got 4 bras and 2 fit. 2 are too tight. So I need to exchange them. But when will I ever get to wall mart again?

I realized that I didn't see ANY of my friends over the holidays and it got me feeling really depressed. I wanted to go home.

Tomorrow I have to go to the DHS office and sit there all day. The housing worker said I needed to apply for the pilot housing program again. Before when I had it it was hopeless. It's only $500. I thought that you could use the $500 and then supplement whatever else through income. So like if I found a $800 apartment I would use the $500 and then pay $300 in cash. But the program doesn't allow you to do that. Your rent has to be $500 or less. Places (rooms) that cost that were scary and unsafe so I dropped it. The housing officer said that I could use pilot as income on a section 8 apartment. So finally that would actually work. Ideally I wouldn't have to use the state for anything. I could make my own money and pay rent myself. It pisses me off that it's taking this long to find work. It's been 9 months since I left school. I have never had this much difficulty finding a bullshit job IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

I am really sort of wondering what happens next. It can't possibly understand what the fuck is happening in the universe that won't allow me to make money. I want to support myself. I have the skills, talents and abilities to do so but somehow it seems like I have to beg and plead for someone to hire me. This last job seemed like a no brainer but I guess tomorrow I will know for sure. He said that we would know by the next day but the next day wasn't a work day. I wonder if he meant the next business day. Which is tomorrow. I will send an e mail stating I am interested in a position. See what that does. 

I sent the e mail and then decided to look up the company on line to see what the reviews were like. It has complaints gallore against it. Another SCAM company. It seems like a trend with all the 'customer service' jobs in the city. They are all these shady sideways companies. I want to work for a REAL company. I could fake it for a month tho.

Oh well.

Xmas Day....

Rough night last night. Sinus draining into throat all night so tons of coughing. Choking through the night. I feel alot better but I am not better per se. I had nightmares about being stalked and trapped by a man I met on line. That will teach me  to fall asleep to Criminal Intent. 

I didn't feel like getting up and sewing this morning because I was still coughing. My lungs are sore now. Nose still running. I had a nice light pink brocade skirt and a light grey t shirt to wear. Simple. Painted my nails white. Done. 

Dinner is at our house this year because we did all the cooking. I hear people arriving and guess who is standing in my living room? MY CRUSH! SOOOOO FINE!!!!! I am still coughing and runny nosing. =c(

But trying to put it together to sit down to dinner.

Dinner was good. Had a full table. My crush sat one person over from me. He had on red sneakers and a red biker shirt and green jeans. He is perfection on two legs. Very svelte. He runs and works out religiously.  I didn't cook any dishes because of my illness. The house manager did all the cooking. Wasn't really crazy about anything. Not a fan of the ham. But I will eat it in a pinch. Desserts were not my favorite either. Everyone wanted to know when I was going to make my meatloaf. I would make it for new years if someone paid for the ingredients. Make a bunch of dishes I like. Plus several desserts one chocolate truffle brownie pan. A tye dye cake and a chocolate mousse pie. 

I like to get dressed up and go to the movies, even if it's by myself. But I didn't have any money. I wonder if my roomate is ever going to pay me for the work I did. 

12/26

Had an interview this morning. Tried to be as well as possible for the meeting. I wanted to make a good impression. I left an hour early and got there in 30 minutes. I was happy about that. So I was very early. It sounds like the perfect gig for me right now. It would take much stress off of me. Plus I could get everything else going. So I have to believe I have this job. I would really be happy. Plus weekends off.

YES!

Of course my nose is stuffy...

As usual before a big holiday and when friends whom I haven't seen in over a decade come to town, I try to get sick. So far it's not so bad. Just a little nasal congestion. But I ran to the dollar store and got vitamin C and some decongestant and have been taking them. I am not bed ridden, but I am noticeably coughing a bit and blowing my nose. I am AGGRO!

I had planned to keep searching for work. Even this close to Christmas. Thinking about what may happen to me in the new year has been making me depressed. How I planned to do this on line business and when I went to set it up how it turned into a complete nightmare. I feel like I should revisit it. But getting help now will be a joke since everyone is in Christmas mode. 

I have been staying on my sewing schedule. If that paid cash that would solve some issues. I think I have made 9 skirts in the past month. I finally made my Beastie Boys skirt yesterday and wore it to church today. It's pretty cool. Black and white stripes. I wore all black and white. I wish I had $100 to go to the fabric district and get some stuff to start the year off with. I would just sew for the rest of the year. I have so many ideas. This is the most I have sewn in probably two years. I made that skirt pattern and I am so excited about how good it looks I want all of my skirts to be that way. There are about 4 I will leave at maxi length. Now if I could just get a top as genius at the skirt....

JV blew me off two days in a row. It's Christmas and his kids and grandkid need his attention. So that's cool. I am supposed to meet him for lunch today. But I don't know if I am well enough. I couldn't really fake it. It's reckless to be around people when you are sick. I don't want to be locked in my room for the holiday tho. I don't want to spend the last $10 I have on medicine but I might have to.

I don't think we are getting gifts this year either. Which is depressing. I know it's better to give and all. I sound like a selfish brat. But when you are in this situation, that's usually the ONLY gift you get. I have friends, but they aren't the 'what am I getting Lyn for Christmas' types. I know what I would get them if I had the cash. I really love my friends, and wish we could hang and have fun for Christmas. Maybe Day and I will. My new S crush said something about the movies on Christmas day, if I am sick....bleh.

Example of the skirt pattern. (not Beastie Boys tho)

I go back again...

Who knows why some people affect you the way they do. I keep thinking about J. But it's confused feelings. I want to see him, and be with him; and then I get angry because of how he disappeared. I keep feeling like in order to be accepted by him at all, I have to be someone else. Then I get sad. That who I am now isn't good enough for him, and I get angry. I am an amazing woman today, but he cannot see it. I can't understand why I can't wash him away.

I got overwhelmed and text him. I said I wanted to see him. Of course he didn't have my number anymore so he dropped the 'who is this' bomb. I said who I was, and no answer. The last time I saw him he claimed over text he was seeing someone. But I just saw his profile still on tinder.  When he saw me last (after informing me he was seeing someone) he flirted relentlessly. Like there really wasn't anyone. Or he is a sleazebag who doesn't change his behavior at all even if he is seeing someone. 

I never want to be that woman who puts herself through all kinds of changes to get a guy to notice her. Like Sandy in Grease getting all tarted up to get Danny to want her. He wanted her the way she was, but because of his social standing he was embarrassed to be with her. When she looked and acted like a tramp, then he accepted her. WE ALL KNOW THAT IS BULLSHIT but we all celebrated. Sandy was a sellout. Fuck Danny Zuko. Cut to a year later, if they in fact were together, she would most likely be miserable hanging out with his go nowhere, permanently adolescent friends; and their do nothing girlfriends. Sandy was made for more than that. She could do better. Changing herself didn't make her the best version of herself. 

J would fall for the best version of myself. Or at least give me a shot. I struggle a lot with that idea, because it's like saying 'Who I am today isn't good enough, but if I changed I might be..' My gut reaction is fuck all that. Fuck that guy. Which is how I want to feel. How I did feel. But these feelings keep creeping back. A longing for him. I don't get it, and I wish it would stop. It makes me feel like those women I loathe. The ones who don't see when a man doesn't want them.  The women who stalk, chase, and nag men into being with them. I simply don't have the energy for all of that. I just can't understand why the feelings keep creeping back. I had feelings like this about K as well. K is back in my life and I still crave J! I don't get to see K as much as I would like because we are both struggling right now. If we weren't we would be spending lots of time together. I could forget J a little easier if that were the case. I am in a holding pattern with three guys. Which I think is fueling my craving for J somehow. If I were getting my needs met by any of the three or all three, then J wouldn't be as much of an issue. But I am on hold. Mr. A has been in the hospital for two weeks. He has problems with his pancreas. He's supposed to have surgery next month. I feel a little guilty because I feel like his health isn't going to make it easy for us to get physical. Then there is Mr. S, super young and in the entertainment industry. He is busy with projects plus waiting tables on the weekend. He's lousy at managing his time too so seeing him is a joke most of the time. When I do see him the attraction is off the charts tho. There is Mr. JV who is my age. I am a few months older. Divorced with grown kids, business owner, very attractive and fun to talk to. He makes actual phone calls. I saw him twice in two days. I may go to a movie with him tonight. I feel really attracted to him when we are together. His pictures are very easy breezy sexy too. I don't really see him as the one, but mister right now. But what do I know. 

I have been sewing like crazy. Though I haven't even $20 to go and get some cheap fabric to make a Christmas outfit. I have a couple of things that could work. But I like to make it from newly cut fabric. I can't have it all. Not right now. I keep feeling like I want more solid color fabrics in less kindergarten like colors. I like color but I want to make it work for me and not against me. I have a bunch of black and white fabric that I am splicing into skirts. Over tights for winter and without for when it warms up again. 

Monday isn't funday

I woke up to my facebook feed showing a picture of a friend covered in blood. He'd been beaten by a bartender in a bar in Seattle for supposedly making a pass at him. When my friend returned home upset his stepfather threw him out. He's now homeless. It really broke my heart first thing. 

I had a massive pile of laundry to do. So I started it. I have been sewing my brains out the past week or so. I finished a nice lavender faux suede short jacket, and 7 skirts. I want to make a dress but my body is so strangely shaped I am hesitant. 

I have to take my laptop to the library to print a letter and resume. I put a cool font on them that won't translate outside of the program I used, so when I tried to e mail it and print it at the office the formatting vanished. It's a pain in the ass really. 

I have an interview tomorrow morning for a receptionist position downtown. I want to be first so I can blow her away. I really want a full time job, or mostly full time. 30 hours is perfect. But I would like to be making enough to make a dent in my debts. The telemarketing job was 20 hours max, and Monday evenings I meet with my counselor so I wasn't going to work Monday night.  They also didn't have daytime hours for new hires either. It was a no win situation. I had to keep it moving. 

On Thursday I meet with the DVR coordinator and hopefully he can get me in someplace asap. I have a feeling if I am not working January 1st, I am out of here. The pastor said 'We don't put people out over the holidays.' Meaning they wait till after and clean house? I don't need the aggravation. I'd like to be moving out on my own by then anyway. 

The old roomate never came back to get her stuff. It's weird that she left all of her clothes, shoes and hair products. I hope she's not in trouble. I barely know the girl but I really hope nothing terrible has happened to her.

Guess What?

The roomate isn't who I thought it was. But this girl is really nice and doesn't have a lot of belongings. So far so good.

I went to two interviews yesterday for phone room jobs. The first one was quite far, and was all commission! I was like you could have told me that over the phone and saved me a trip. The second one was downtown a block from the other that refused to hire me. I had been there a year or so before and tanked the interview because I couldn't think of a rebuttle on the spot. I am not an ACTOR! I am used to getting the rebuttle script in training. Anyhoo....

Guess who works there?  MY BEAUTIFUL CRUSH! It was like fate. I didn't think these things happened in real life. But it just did. My whole body started buzzing. I will get to see him all the time now. He stopped and talked to me for a while when I was waiting to be seen, and told me to mention his name. I passed the rebuttle this time, so I got hired. I will have a few bucks coming in.

I have three weeks to replace my phone before it is useless. They are getting cheaper. The one I wanted was $50 now it's $30. I hope I get paid $40 today for the website, so then I could just get it today. 

Eyes are on the prize. $250 for my trade account, and I am off and running. 

Roomate day

I spent much of yesterday evening putting in applications on line. It's such a useless act. I will call my agencies today and make a stop at the record store to see what's up. They never advertise they are hiring, they just do whenever. The holiday season is no different. They contacted me once and I said something stupid so they didn't offer me an interview. I hope they forgot about that. I have to try and charm my way in. It would be great to just have a quiet research or stock position in the back.

I heard the new girl is very tall and thin. I remember a girl a couple of months ago in the office that was WNBA tall. Maybe it's her. They also said she has almost nothing to bring with her. Which is good because I am packed to the gills in here. 

I need a lot of focus right now. I hope I can stay on track.

Bad news....end of an era

I just got the bad news....

I am getting a roomate. I am very unhappy about it. There was a girl in the office a few days ago, that seemed normal when you looked at her, but when she started talking you could tell she had mental problems. I hope it isn't her. I had my own sanctuary for two years. Now it's over. So of course urgency will set in to get the fuck out of here. 

I finally got my money late Monday night. But then I forgot she owed me $10 from the last time she paid me. But I have to let that go. Paid rent and phone and broke again. 

I am going to force myself to study so I can start working on line to get the money I need to get where I want to go. But IDK how taking calls and having a roomate is going to work. Hopefully she has a job or goes to school or something, and isn't in the room all day long. I hope she isn't one of these sit home all day do nothing don't want anything type of people. I want my space. I want be able to relax. I hope she isn't a light sleeper because I snore. I have been in my own room for two years and now I have to adjust for someone else. I just hope she is cool, and clean and doesn't go through my stuff. Or steal. 

The end

It rained again. Really rained like all day. It was like being back in Seattle. The day before it was 85 and sunny. Now we are in the low 60's and rainy. Supposed to be like this 3 days. Winter. Blek.

The job has pretty much run it's course. I had to make up a fake client that I needed to buy fabric for in a timely manner to get paid two weeks ago. There was no client, but I told the lady I work for/with that it would take 16 hours to complete the project. I could do it in a day. Needless to say we were going into Thanksgiving week. She calls me everyday with no schedule. The last work related thing she said was 'I haven't had time to go take the measurements of the jacket. I guess they are going to lose that sale.' I was like wow! Really? If she was working for ME and that was part of her job description and she pulled that shit, she would be fired. The day after Thanksgiving my student loan payment was due. The payment that if I didn't make it I would be sent to collections. THAT payment. I told her Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday very CLEARLY that I needed my money so I would not be sent to collections. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT I GET PAID!!!

Friday comes. I call her several times and she doesn't answer. About 4 I get a hold of her. She is still stuttering about where my money is. She has to call B and ask her for the money. I didn't hear from her the rest of the day. I call the school and they are closed for the holiday. I pray that that gives me grace. But I get the 'payment failed' e mail. I am ANGRY! Not only has she bled me of my hours all week. But she didn't pay me so now I am in collections with my student loan! I was LIVID! I was ready to find her and shake her like a rag doll.

Saturday comes and she finally calls me, still with no plans to work. Then she has the balls to say to me 'B is starting to get the feeling you aren't into this project.' I fucking LOST IT! I have never spoken to, e mailed or met B face to face. She herself has not asked me anything. How would she know my level of commitment. Unless you are telling her some bullshit lie like 'I was busy all week with a sewing project, so I couldn't work.' Which I completely see you doing to hide the fact that you yourself are too busy or unmotivated whichever to get anything done. She gets this super snotty holier than thou tone with you that makes you want to slap the shit out of her. I was seeing red. She plays games, that cost people. I told her that I really question B's ability to choose people that are good for her business if she put you in charge, because you are going to run her business into the ground. She was offended I said this. She tried to tell me that I told her I was busy all week. I told you the project was 16 hours. How is 16 hours Sunday to Wednesday? Can you not count? I could have worked every day this week. I noticed that you aren't calling about working today either. You bled me of my income intentionally. I think B isn't aware she's paying me. I think you have run out of money so you are playing these games with me now. GET ME MY MONEY OR I QUIT! S

She tells me she will call me back and get my account number so she can put the money in my account.  An hour later she calls me back and doesn't ask me for my account number she's fussing about half the items in e bay not automatically relisting. I was like 'are you really asking me about work right now and I haven't been paid? ARE YOU REALLY DOING THIS?' Every fiber of my being wanted to leave it as it was until I got paid as a message not to fuck with me. Another part of me wanted to take the whole site down as a message not to fuck with me. Against my better judgement I went and relisted them, because I knew that would be used as and excuse not to pay me. 

So I spent all of Sunday trying not to be angry, and hanging on to getting paid. I have another opportunity in my lap. I was planning to spend Sunday studying the new job. I couldn't focus. I needed a day to wallow. It was cold and rainy, I just wanted a day to be upset. I opened the info, and did a few things but I have to get started to I can move along. I must take control. Earn money so I can open a binary account and make the money to move out of here and get a car. The pressure is there because my bus pass expires the end of the year. So wouldn't be silky smooth to just have a car and not even sweat a bus pass anymore? YES! 

My goal was that for Christmas I would be in my own place. I set that goal back in March, it's now December 1st. So the proverbial clock is ticking to reach said goal. 

I have adopted the abandon BMX bike in the back yard to be mine. I want to strip the paint and repaint it. I put air in the tires. It's good to ride. I want to use it to do short trips down and around the block. But I have to get a lock for it. I could if I GOT PAID!