Who knows why some people affect you the way they do. I keep thinking about J. But it's confused feelings. I want to see him, and be with him; and then I get angry because of how he disappeared. I keep feeling like in order to be accepted by him at all, I have to be someone else. Then I get sad. That who I am now isn't good enough for him, and I get angry. I am an amazing woman today, but he cannot see it. I can't understand why I can't wash him away.
I got overwhelmed and text him. I said I wanted to see him. Of course he didn't have my number anymore so he dropped the 'who is this' bomb. I said who I was, and no answer. The last time I saw him he claimed over text he was seeing someone. But I just saw his profile still on tinder. When he saw me last (after informing me he was seeing someone) he flirted relentlessly. Like there really wasn't anyone. Or he is a sleazebag who doesn't change his behavior at all even if he is seeing someone.
I never want to be that woman who puts herself through all kinds of changes to get a guy to notice her. Like Sandy in Grease getting all tarted up to get Danny to want her. He wanted her the way she was, but because of his social standing he was embarrassed to be with her. When she looked and acted like a tramp, then he accepted her. WE ALL KNOW THAT IS BULLSHIT but we all celebrated. Sandy was a sellout. Fuck Danny Zuko. Cut to a year later, if they in fact were together, she would most likely be miserable hanging out with his go nowhere, permanently adolescent friends; and their do nothing girlfriends. Sandy was made for more than that. She could do better. Changing herself didn't make her the best version of herself.
J would fall for the best version of myself. Or at least give me a shot. I struggle a lot with that idea, because it's like saying 'Who I am today isn't good enough, but if I changed I might be..' My gut reaction is fuck all that. Fuck that guy. Which is how I want to feel. How I did feel. But these feelings keep creeping back. A longing for him. I don't get it, and I wish it would stop. It makes me feel like those women I loathe. The ones who don't see when a man doesn't want them. The women who stalk, chase, and nag men into being with them. I simply don't have the energy for all of that. I just can't understand why the feelings keep creeping back. I had feelings like this about K as well. K is back in my life and I still crave J! I don't get to see K as much as I would like because we are both struggling right now. If we weren't we would be spending lots of time together. I could forget J a little easier if that were the case. I am in a holding pattern with three guys. Which I think is fueling my craving for J somehow. If I were getting my needs met by any of the three or all three, then J wouldn't be as much of an issue. But I am on hold. Mr. A has been in the hospital for two weeks. He has problems with his pancreas. He's supposed to have surgery next month. I feel a little guilty because I feel like his health isn't going to make it easy for us to get physical. Then there is Mr. S, super young and in the entertainment industry. He is busy with projects plus waiting tables on the weekend. He's lousy at managing his time too so seeing him is a joke most of the time. When I do see him the attraction is off the charts tho. There is Mr. JV who is my age. I am a few months older. Divorced with grown kids, business owner, very attractive and fun to talk to. He makes actual phone calls. I saw him twice in two days. I may go to a movie with him tonight. I feel really attracted to him when we are together. His pictures are very easy breezy sexy too. I don't really see him as the one, but mister right now. But what do I know.
I have been sewing like crazy. Though I haven't even $20 to go and get some cheap fabric to make a Christmas outfit. I have a couple of things that could work. But I like to make it from newly cut fabric. I can't have it all. Not right now. I keep feeling like I want more solid color fabrics in less kindergarten like colors. I like color but I want to make it work for me and not against me. I have a bunch of black and white fabric that I am splicing into skirts. Over tights for winter and without for when it warms up again.
No comments:
Post a Comment