One of the rooms has problems with the women arguing. So now the whole house has to keep their doors open between the hours of 10am and 6pm. The dumbass part is that between those hours hardly anyone is home. I guarantee that the arguments are taking place AFTER 6pm. My room is right off the kitchen, so all the bullshit noise, and cooking smells I have to be subject too anyway are now amplified. I shut my door anyway when there is a bunch of slamming and shit. I just have to get the fuck out of here. If I am able to get my 40 hours in over the next two weeks and can make a run of it. I am beyond done. Plus I found out some people in the house think I get preferential treatment. This always happens when I have to live with a bunch of women. They end up jealous. I have all the same bullshit rules as they do. All the same shit to do. How am I made a preference? Because I live in a two person room and they live in a three person room? I didn't ASK for that. It was given to me. As was the desk for my sewing machine. I didn't ask for it. It was given to me and here in the room when I moved in. It isn't my fault that when someone is supposed to move in they don't show up. Or only stay a week. It's common place for people to say shit about you behind your back, or complain without speaking one syllable to you before they take it somewhere else. How do people get through life avoiding shit like that? If something bothers me I can talk to you directly. I don't take issue with it.
I am glad that chores are now a week long instead of a month long. The chore I have now is every other day, but they added a bunch of bullshit onto it. It used to be dust the living room and the china cabinet glass. Now it's do all the door frames and window sills, wash chairs, the place mats, the table. Just on and on extra shit that really is extra. Chairs? Ugh.
Now that I want to do my chore of course everyone and their aunt is in the living room. I will have to wait till much later. I don't care really. At least I don't have to do it every day.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
I'm not the nostalgic type....
I think everyone has memories of their parents aching for their youth. Maybe it was a song that came on the radio, or a movie about that time in their lives or a friend they ran into suddenly that they hadn't seen since high school, or even a reunion. After they become all whimsical and may even get a little sad. As kids watching this go down, we either were embarrassed for them or mortified in some way that we witnessed them longing to be our age again. Realizing they never would be was uncomfortable. In our heads we vowed never to be pathetic like that. I mean we couldn't WAIT to be grown adults. WHY would you ever want to be a kid again?
Then we grew up.
I have friends who are still back in Seattle, and will most likely be there till they die. They were probably born there too. There was an article about 20 bars we will miss in Seattle. Some of the most famous and beloved ones amongst my crowd were not mentioned. Some were. We started all throwing out names and reminiscing. My youth was problematic, but I would always manage to find my way to go dancing. Going dancing made everything worthwhile. That's how I met all my friends in the first place. At le club. Dancing was my salvation, my savior. I couldn't live without it. I didn't drink, and didn't get into the drug scene. I dropped acid a few times, X and MDA maybe a dozen times and danced all night. But never got into the hard stuff or drank. I was reading this list of bars and thinking about all the good times I actually did have. The outfits I wore, the people I met.
There is a group on facebook dedicated to a teen club we all went to beneath the space needle in the 80's. People post songs we all used to dance to, and the same feelings came up. Remembering who I would be hanging with, how much fun it was to dance all night then walk downtown in the morning to the Pike Place Market to get breakfast, or to Denny's across from the Needle. We would crash at some kids apartment on the floor for a few hours then shower and change and hit up Broadway to hang out all day till it was time to go back to the club. That was a typical Friday and Saturday. When I was in high school we'd then get the bus back to our town on Sunday night. When I moved to the city dancing was 5 nights a week. Wednesday through Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were dark. We were pretty dedicated to going and being out. I could go anywhere alone and when I got there know half the house. As time went on I didn't have to pay cover anywhere anymore because I was known by everyone. All the owners liked me to come through because I was cool to everyone and danced my ass off and got the crowd going. I never missed anything in my past.
My life outside of that was harsh, unmanageable, and depressing. I could barely find work, was usually homeless in some capacity. Either living in a transitional shelter. Or couch surfing till I could get into one. The last 3 years I lived there I had a small apartment down on 23rd ave for a mere $450 a month and I was struggling to pay rent every month. There were help agencies I could go to who would help pay, and help with bills. But then I knew I had to get out. Nothing would ever happen for me there. I was about to be homeless again after having a place for 3 years and I decided to move out of state to Florida. The plan was to land at my cousins in Orlando, get a job and a car and then go to Miami to design school and pick up dancing in the studio again and then learn to partner dance. I never learned salsa and tango and all that. It was a solid plan. I hadn't realized my cousin wasn't that wild about me after all these years. She would put me out on the street not knowing a soul, and the struggle began all over again. But this time I didn't have my salvation. No clubs, no friends. No free cover. In the past 14 years I have been to the club a handful of times, but NONE of those times were in the capacity that I love. There was no dancing all night. One time I even fell and tore my knee in the club. It was truly a nightmare.
Since in LA I still haven't really danced my ass off. There are a ton of places I have yet to see. Because of my living situation (having a curfew) going out isn't even allowed. If I do go I have to get 'permission' and fill out forms and have a place to crash for the weekend. I can't just go out and come back at 3 am or whatever after I'm done. So it's kind of a hassle. I imagine when I move out, hardly ever being home. I am looking forward to it actually. Being trapped in a house with a bunch of sad women, all you can do is eat. People bring home cake and pie from the food bank for everyone. You are home on ANOTHER Saturday night, you do the math. I am looking forward to that not being my reality any more.
The funny thing is I want to get in shape. Back in the day I never went to the gym because I was always out dancing. Really dancing my ass off. I started dating guys who were not into going out and couldn't dance, and were nerds who couldn't socialize so I went out less. The pounds started to creep on. I spent 4 years in 2 different relationships. By the end of the last one I had gained 50 lbs. I would gain 40 more when I moved to sunny hot ass Florida. Funny thing with struggling, poverty / homelessness and the like. Working out is not anywhere near the top of the list. You can't afford to dress the way you want, you can't go out. There are no people to look good for anyway so it doesn't become important. When you are in a shelter, you usually for half of the month have to eat what you can find at pantries and food banks. It's usually not the low cal low fat organic stuff for weight loss. Good luck finding fresh veggies. It's usually tons of sugar, and carbs. The past 4 or so years there has been an up tick in on line workouts. So even in my room I can work out by myself. I have had a laptop for only a year. Before that I had a smart phone for a year. So on line workouts were not easy access prior to two years ago.
I used to spend hours dancing in my room or apartment back in the day. I didn't really think of it as working out tho. Even with the on line work outs, there is still a component missing. I'm not going anywhere. So I often feel like what's the point. I have saved tons of workouts. Even subscribed a couple of times. But let it lapse. But as I turn a financial corner finally and see the light at the end of a very long tunnel, I feel a glimmer of inspiration. My dream is to be back in the studio taking classes again. That has been my desire for a couple of decades now. But that is the way I get challenged, not running on a treadmill. Interacting with other dancers, and learning routines speaks to me. Dance was a big part of my life growing up. I thought I would be a dancer when I grew up, but I was derailed by my mother's plans to move to Seattle when I was 14. She refused to pay for classes. That was the official start of my clubbing. I had to dance, that was the only way I could. I don't expect to go pro at this stage in the game. I mean I AM crowding 50. I just want that to be my tribe again. To get my dancers body back. To get my dancers spirit back. To feel like myself again.
Then we grew up.
I have friends who are still back in Seattle, and will most likely be there till they die. They were probably born there too. There was an article about 20 bars we will miss in Seattle. Some of the most famous and beloved ones amongst my crowd were not mentioned. Some were. We started all throwing out names and reminiscing. My youth was problematic, but I would always manage to find my way to go dancing. Going dancing made everything worthwhile. That's how I met all my friends in the first place. At le club. Dancing was my salvation, my savior. I couldn't live without it. I didn't drink, and didn't get into the drug scene. I dropped acid a few times, X and MDA maybe a dozen times and danced all night. But never got into the hard stuff or drank. I was reading this list of bars and thinking about all the good times I actually did have. The outfits I wore, the people I met.
There is a group on facebook dedicated to a teen club we all went to beneath the space needle in the 80's. People post songs we all used to dance to, and the same feelings came up. Remembering who I would be hanging with, how much fun it was to dance all night then walk downtown in the morning to the Pike Place Market to get breakfast, or to Denny's across from the Needle. We would crash at some kids apartment on the floor for a few hours then shower and change and hit up Broadway to hang out all day till it was time to go back to the club. That was a typical Friday and Saturday. When I was in high school we'd then get the bus back to our town on Sunday night. When I moved to the city dancing was 5 nights a week. Wednesday through Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were dark. We were pretty dedicated to going and being out. I could go anywhere alone and when I got there know half the house. As time went on I didn't have to pay cover anywhere anymore because I was known by everyone. All the owners liked me to come through because I was cool to everyone and danced my ass off and got the crowd going. I never missed anything in my past.
My life outside of that was harsh, unmanageable, and depressing. I could barely find work, was usually homeless in some capacity. Either living in a transitional shelter. Or couch surfing till I could get into one. The last 3 years I lived there I had a small apartment down on 23rd ave for a mere $450 a month and I was struggling to pay rent every month. There were help agencies I could go to who would help pay, and help with bills. But then I knew I had to get out. Nothing would ever happen for me there. I was about to be homeless again after having a place for 3 years and I decided to move out of state to Florida. The plan was to land at my cousins in Orlando, get a job and a car and then go to Miami to design school and pick up dancing in the studio again and then learn to partner dance. I never learned salsa and tango and all that. It was a solid plan. I hadn't realized my cousin wasn't that wild about me after all these years. She would put me out on the street not knowing a soul, and the struggle began all over again. But this time I didn't have my salvation. No clubs, no friends. No free cover. In the past 14 years I have been to the club a handful of times, but NONE of those times were in the capacity that I love. There was no dancing all night. One time I even fell and tore my knee in the club. It was truly a nightmare.
Since in LA I still haven't really danced my ass off. There are a ton of places I have yet to see. Because of my living situation (having a curfew) going out isn't even allowed. If I do go I have to get 'permission' and fill out forms and have a place to crash for the weekend. I can't just go out and come back at 3 am or whatever after I'm done. So it's kind of a hassle. I imagine when I move out, hardly ever being home. I am looking forward to it actually. Being trapped in a house with a bunch of sad women, all you can do is eat. People bring home cake and pie from the food bank for everyone. You are home on ANOTHER Saturday night, you do the math. I am looking forward to that not being my reality any more.
The funny thing is I want to get in shape. Back in the day I never went to the gym because I was always out dancing. Really dancing my ass off. I started dating guys who were not into going out and couldn't dance, and were nerds who couldn't socialize so I went out less. The pounds started to creep on. I spent 4 years in 2 different relationships. By the end of the last one I had gained 50 lbs. I would gain 40 more when I moved to sunny hot ass Florida. Funny thing with struggling, poverty / homelessness and the like. Working out is not anywhere near the top of the list. You can't afford to dress the way you want, you can't go out. There are no people to look good for anyway so it doesn't become important. When you are in a shelter, you usually for half of the month have to eat what you can find at pantries and food banks. It's usually not the low cal low fat organic stuff for weight loss. Good luck finding fresh veggies. It's usually tons of sugar, and carbs. The past 4 or so years there has been an up tick in on line workouts. So even in my room I can work out by myself. I have had a laptop for only a year. Before that I had a smart phone for a year. So on line workouts were not easy access prior to two years ago.
I used to spend hours dancing in my room or apartment back in the day. I didn't really think of it as working out tho. Even with the on line work outs, there is still a component missing. I'm not going anywhere. So I often feel like what's the point. I have saved tons of workouts. Even subscribed a couple of times. But let it lapse. But as I turn a financial corner finally and see the light at the end of a very long tunnel, I feel a glimmer of inspiration. My dream is to be back in the studio taking classes again. That has been my desire for a couple of decades now. But that is the way I get challenged, not running on a treadmill. Interacting with other dancers, and learning routines speaks to me. Dance was a big part of my life growing up. I thought I would be a dancer when I grew up, but I was derailed by my mother's plans to move to Seattle when I was 14. She refused to pay for classes. That was the official start of my clubbing. I had to dance, that was the only way I could. I don't expect to go pro at this stage in the game. I mean I AM crowding 50. I just want that to be my tribe again. To get my dancers body back. To get my dancers spirit back. To feel like myself again.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
....the grey area
I did all the running around required by the aid office. The quicker I get all the forms done the quicker I get my cash. The quicker I have cash coming in the more easily it will be to move if my voucher comes up. The office is right off skid row, so in addition to them doing fung shwei to the place, they also have a concierge that greets you and asks you what you are there for. They figured out people from skid row were coming there just to hang out or sleep all day. Which was making the place impossibly crowded and smelly. So they have weeded out the clingers on. Then when I walked in the place smelled like incense. Really great incense. Someone had lit it in the ladies room. How thoughtful of them.
I later had a derm appointment in little Tokyo. I showed the doctor the places that wouldn't heal. He said he could burn them off. Which sounded painful. He took out this can that blasted what felt like dry ice to the areas. They burned for a few hours, then started growing these scabs. He said they would and in about 10 days they would be gone. The one on my leg looks hideous tho. A mound of flesh standing up. I am worried. My chin seems to be doing better.
I thought about where I would look for an apartment. I saw one for rent for $850 with a $500 deposit near Vine street. But that was a studio. With the cash from the job I could get a one bedroom. My friend W wants to move here. A two bedroom would be ideal, but if he isn't helping pay for it, the sofa will have to do. The thing is, look how long it's taken me to get a place. I couldn't handle three years on my sofa. If I find a place I like I wouldn't want to move just to have a roomate either. I don't think he will have as hard a time finding something as I did. He won't be in school when he gets here for two years like I was. I want to be among the living again. A grown up who can come and go as she pleases. Have people over whenever she wants, clean when she wants, eat in the middle of the night if she wants.
I later had a derm appointment in little Tokyo. I showed the doctor the places that wouldn't heal. He said he could burn them off. Which sounded painful. He took out this can that blasted what felt like dry ice to the areas. They burned for a few hours, then started growing these scabs. He said they would and in about 10 days they would be gone. The one on my leg looks hideous tho. A mound of flesh standing up. I am worried. My chin seems to be doing better.
I thought about where I would look for an apartment. I saw one for rent for $850 with a $500 deposit near Vine street. But that was a studio. With the cash from the job I could get a one bedroom. My friend W wants to move here. A two bedroom would be ideal, but if he isn't helping pay for it, the sofa will have to do. The thing is, look how long it's taken me to get a place. I couldn't handle three years on my sofa. If I find a place I like I wouldn't want to move just to have a roomate either. I don't think he will have as hard a time finding something as I did. He won't be in school when he gets here for two years like I was. I want to be among the living again. A grown up who can come and go as she pleases. Have people over whenever she wants, clean when she wants, eat in the middle of the night if she wants.
...and were done.....
I had been living on borrowed time and now it's over. I am officially painted into a corner. I am trying to avoid getting a job where I have to stand all day. The tax places are hiring people to wear the lady liberty costume and dance out front. For a second I thought about it, then the reality would be I would maybe last one day and not be able to move the rest of the week. I just don't have that in me.
I went to get all my paperwork turned in so I can get assistance. But they have 30 days to get it to me. My DVR worker won't be taking my case till mid February. I just don't want my housing to come free and I don't have any income. I am trying not to let my emotions fall because of this. Not let it affect me negatively. I had a phone interview with a cool company that isn't far from where I live. I was excited about it but alas they didn't pick me. Another company e mails and wants to see me. When I look on google maps to see where they are they are three buses away and 1 hour and 40 minutes ride one way. The third bus is in another city so I would have to pay cash to ride it twice a day as well. It was a 'financial group' which doesn't scream 'we want to hire you'.
If I could just get in at a fashion company or something that would be great. Trying to change paths is a grind. I wouldn't recommend it at all unless you have lots of money saved. I am tired of looking for work. I registered with caljobs then I get a text from some company saying they want to interview me for a work at home data entry position. It was creepy sort of. I got into a chat with a person and it was like an interview. I guess this is the future. But of course I feel like this is shady too. But it's through the state so maybe it's legit. But I don't have any faith they will hire me either. It's not adding up. It's almost as if having experience and skill is a determent nowadays. That if you have them, you expect to be compensated, and no one wants to do that. The cool company down the street paid a livable wage, which was something to get excited about. But alas they didn't want to see me for an in person interview.
I counted, and I have made 15 new skirts in the past 2 months. Pretty good track record. I might just stay in all weekend and sew.
It started raining Friday night and now Sunday morning it's still raining. I watched two good movies yesterday. 'Under the skin' and 'Nightcrawler.' I am going to try and score some more movies and get some sewing done. I want new Frankenstein t shirts.
Saturday morning I get an e mail from the work at home company saying the want to hire me. They sent contracts that I am supposed to print out and sign and scan back to them. Then I can start work. I told them I would do that Monday. They said I would start my training on Monday. It pays a ridiculous amount of money. Like I can move out in a month money. And not to section 8 housing, market rate housing. I am a little nervous. I have had so many false starts. I am afraid to get excited. I want this to be real. Not a scam.
I went to get all my paperwork turned in so I can get assistance. But they have 30 days to get it to me. My DVR worker won't be taking my case till mid February. I just don't want my housing to come free and I don't have any income. I am trying not to let my emotions fall because of this. Not let it affect me negatively. I had a phone interview with a cool company that isn't far from where I live. I was excited about it but alas they didn't pick me. Another company e mails and wants to see me. When I look on google maps to see where they are they are three buses away and 1 hour and 40 minutes ride one way. The third bus is in another city so I would have to pay cash to ride it twice a day as well. It was a 'financial group' which doesn't scream 'we want to hire you'.
If I could just get in at a fashion company or something that would be great. Trying to change paths is a grind. I wouldn't recommend it at all unless you have lots of money saved. I am tired of looking for work. I registered with caljobs then I get a text from some company saying they want to interview me for a work at home data entry position. It was creepy sort of. I got into a chat with a person and it was like an interview. I guess this is the future. But of course I feel like this is shady too. But it's through the state so maybe it's legit. But I don't have any faith they will hire me either. It's not adding up. It's almost as if having experience and skill is a determent nowadays. That if you have them, you expect to be compensated, and no one wants to do that. The cool company down the street paid a livable wage, which was something to get excited about. But alas they didn't want to see me for an in person interview.
I counted, and I have made 15 new skirts in the past 2 months. Pretty good track record. I might just stay in all weekend and sew.
It started raining Friday night and now Sunday morning it's still raining. I watched two good movies yesterday. 'Under the skin' and 'Nightcrawler.' I am going to try and score some more movies and get some sewing done. I want new Frankenstein t shirts.
Saturday morning I get an e mail from the work at home company saying the want to hire me. They sent contracts that I am supposed to print out and sign and scan back to them. Then I can start work. I told them I would do that Monday. They said I would start my training on Monday. It pays a ridiculous amount of money. Like I can move out in a month money. And not to section 8 housing, market rate housing. I am a little nervous. I have had so many false starts. I am afraid to get excited. I want this to be real. Not a scam.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Sunday....
There is a pattern emerging with JV. Whenever we're supposed to make a trip to see a movie he has to 'spend time with his daughters'. Which are grown mind you. This is the third time he has pulled this bullshit. I think I am kind of done.
The thing with divorced guys, is they usually don't go into any kind of therapy to find out what they can do better going forward. How they can prevent another relationship from falling apart. So all of the bullshit bad habits, and selfishness that caused their wives to find someone else, are still firmly intact for the next woman. I don't do well with that kind of stuff.
Some women refuse to date men with children. His are GROWN as I have mentioned. So the annoyed feeling I would get from him just spending time with his kids is amplified because they aren't children, they are grown women. He made plans with me. He bailed on them to do this, I am extremely annoyed. I really would like to discuss this with him and try and see if he is actually interested in dating. MEN USE THEIR KIDS AS AN EXCUSE TO BE UNAVAILABLE JUST LIKE WOMEN DO.
I guess I thought because they were grown I wouldn't have to deal with this. But I guess I do. I tried calling but no answer. This is unacceptable.
Period.
--------
later
--------
I got in touch. It didn't make matters better to know that he and his grown daughters came to Hollywood to eat and hang out too. I expressed myself calmly and openly without accusing or using angry language. I did however try and clarify that the last time he was here that we'd made plans to see each other today. He claims we didn't. That he would 'try' and see me today. When I spoke to him earlier today he had to do two quick jobs then he would be over to see me. He never said that either apparently. It started sounding like the 'this isn't working out' talk. Then it was the 'I don't have the time' talk then it morphed into the 'we'll work this out' talk.
I am not going to hold my breath for him to make time for me. This whole thing today has put a bad taste in my mouth really. I can forgive it, because when you start getting to know someone there will be missteps. That's a given. You can move past them if you want. People sometimes start sort of hinting around about you, and might mention IDK say that you are a different race, and the friends and family disapprove and suddenly you get a bunch of back peddling. I have experienced this a thousand times. Suddenly their schedule is soooOOoooo full, and they are so busy. Or they do something to purposely piss you off so they can pull the 'this isn't working out' card when you call them on their bullshit. Your anger may be perfectly justified but they use the 'you are an emotionally sensitive woman' excuse to exit.
Some people don't see you as their dreamgirl so they don't put in much effort. Or they may have thought they could get you in bed quickly because they thought you would be loose and when that didn't happen they fall off and lose interest. Whichever, I don't really plan to hear from him any time soon.
The thing with divorced guys, is they usually don't go into any kind of therapy to find out what they can do better going forward. How they can prevent another relationship from falling apart. So all of the bullshit bad habits, and selfishness that caused their wives to find someone else, are still firmly intact for the next woman. I don't do well with that kind of stuff.
Some women refuse to date men with children. His are GROWN as I have mentioned. So the annoyed feeling I would get from him just spending time with his kids is amplified because they aren't children, they are grown women. He made plans with me. He bailed on them to do this, I am extremely annoyed. I really would like to discuss this with him and try and see if he is actually interested in dating. MEN USE THEIR KIDS AS AN EXCUSE TO BE UNAVAILABLE JUST LIKE WOMEN DO.
I guess I thought because they were grown I wouldn't have to deal with this. But I guess I do. I tried calling but no answer. This is unacceptable.
Period.
--------
later
--------
I got in touch. It didn't make matters better to know that he and his grown daughters came to Hollywood to eat and hang out too. I expressed myself calmly and openly without accusing or using angry language. I did however try and clarify that the last time he was here that we'd made plans to see each other today. He claims we didn't. That he would 'try' and see me today. When I spoke to him earlier today he had to do two quick jobs then he would be over to see me. He never said that either apparently. It started sounding like the 'this isn't working out' talk. Then it was the 'I don't have the time' talk then it morphed into the 'we'll work this out' talk.
I am not going to hold my breath for him to make time for me. This whole thing today has put a bad taste in my mouth really. I can forgive it, because when you start getting to know someone there will be missteps. That's a given. You can move past them if you want. People sometimes start sort of hinting around about you, and might mention IDK say that you are a different race, and the friends and family disapprove and suddenly you get a bunch of back peddling. I have experienced this a thousand times. Suddenly their schedule is soooOOoooo full, and they are so busy. Or they do something to purposely piss you off so they can pull the 'this isn't working out' card when you call them on their bullshit. Your anger may be perfectly justified but they use the 'you are an emotionally sensitive woman' excuse to exit.
Some people don't see you as their dreamgirl so they don't put in much effort. Or they may have thought they could get you in bed quickly because they thought you would be loose and when that didn't happen they fall off and lose interest. Whichever, I don't really plan to hear from him any time soon.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
third day of the year....
The day I went to the DSHS office was rainy. I expected a long wait. My phone was dead by the time I got there. So I couldn't entertain myself. My counselor gave me some magazines to read. I was literally the last person out of the office at 5:30pm. My whole day spent there literally.
New Years Eve was the last day for me to use my bus pass so I went to the mall to exchange bras. Came back and did some sewing. Talked on the phone with JV. We made plans to meet the next day. I didn't do anything that night. I can't do anything while living here without a week in advance of paperwork done. I realized I haven't been out on New Years Eve in probably 15 years. I used to go to church when I was in Florida. But I didn't even have friends who went out dancing when I was in Florida. The one time I went alone I fell and hurt my knee so I never tried to go again. I reflected over the year and realized it was a shitty year. I remembered all the jobs I didn't get, the struggle and stress of it. (that I am still not out of yet) The fact that I still have no way to get out of this situation. 2015 HAS TO BE BETTER!
New Years Day came and I put myself together to go out with JV. We went to the grove for lunch. We ended up in this cafe inside Nordstrom with a window seat looking over the grove. It was kind of romantic actually. The food was amazing, the conversation fun and light. I love being with JV it's so easy breezy and he takes me wherever I want to go. I have a huge crush on him. We are supposed to get together for lunch and a movie on Sunday. I am excited to see him. Being with him makes me feel like I am living again.. I hate coming back home.
K has disappeared. Hasn't answered a text since Dec 28. I am getting worried about him. I sent him e mails too. I called his other phone and it's still off. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.
I haven't started trying to 'lose weight' for the new year yet. I get my FS monday so I will worry about it then. Im living on canned food until then. Just one more day. I really hope that the GROW worker can get me an actual job. I have to get out of here. I have to drop off my cover letter and resume at the record store. It has to be good. I need to put a little passion into it if I want them to hire me. I don't want to go back to work in an office. I want to be in a creative environment really. I know it's kind of asking a lot at this point. If I want to get out of here it's got to be by any means necessary.
New Years Eve was the last day for me to use my bus pass so I went to the mall to exchange bras. Came back and did some sewing. Talked on the phone with JV. We made plans to meet the next day. I didn't do anything that night. I can't do anything while living here without a week in advance of paperwork done. I realized I haven't been out on New Years Eve in probably 15 years. I used to go to church when I was in Florida. But I didn't even have friends who went out dancing when I was in Florida. The one time I went alone I fell and hurt my knee so I never tried to go again. I reflected over the year and realized it was a shitty year. I remembered all the jobs I didn't get, the struggle and stress of it. (that I am still not out of yet) The fact that I still have no way to get out of this situation. 2015 HAS TO BE BETTER!
New Years Day came and I put myself together to go out with JV. We went to the grove for lunch. We ended up in this cafe inside Nordstrom with a window seat looking over the grove. It was kind of romantic actually. The food was amazing, the conversation fun and light. I love being with JV it's so easy breezy and he takes me wherever I want to go. I have a huge crush on him. We are supposed to get together for lunch and a movie on Sunday. I am excited to see him. Being with him makes me feel like I am living again.. I hate coming back home.
K has disappeared. Hasn't answered a text since Dec 28. I am getting worried about him. I sent him e mails too. I called his other phone and it's still off. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.
I haven't started trying to 'lose weight' for the new year yet. I get my FS monday so I will worry about it then. Im living on canned food until then. Just one more day. I really hope that the GROW worker can get me an actual job. I have to get out of here. I have to drop off my cover letter and resume at the record store. It has to be good. I need to put a little passion into it if I want them to hire me. I don't want to go back to work in an office. I want to be in a creative environment really. I know it's kind of asking a lot at this point. If I want to get out of here it's got to be by any means necessary.
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