I think everyone has memories of their parents aching for their youth. Maybe it was a song that came on the radio, or a movie about that time in their lives or a friend they ran into suddenly that they hadn't seen since high school, or even a reunion. After they become all whimsical and may even get a little sad. As kids watching this go down, we either were embarrassed for them or mortified in some way that we witnessed them longing to be our age again. Realizing they never would be was uncomfortable. In our heads we vowed never to be pathetic like that. I mean we couldn't WAIT to be grown adults. WHY would you ever want to be a kid again?
Then we grew up.
I have friends who are still back in Seattle, and will most likely be there till they die. They were probably born there too. There was an article about 20 bars we will miss in Seattle. Some of the most famous and beloved ones amongst my crowd were not mentioned. Some were. We started all throwing out names and reminiscing. My youth was problematic, but I would always manage to find my way to go dancing. Going dancing made everything worthwhile. That's how I met all my friends in the first place. At le club. Dancing was my salvation, my savior. I couldn't live without it. I didn't drink, and didn't get into the drug scene. I dropped acid a few times, X and MDA maybe a dozen times and danced all night. But never got into the hard stuff or drank. I was reading this list of bars and thinking about all the good times I actually did have. The outfits I wore, the people I met.
There is a group on facebook dedicated to a teen club we all went to beneath the space needle in the 80's. People post songs we all used to dance to, and the same feelings came up. Remembering who I would be hanging with, how much fun it was to dance all night then walk downtown in the morning to the Pike Place Market to get breakfast, or to Denny's across from the Needle. We would crash at some kids apartment on the floor for a few hours then shower and change and hit up Broadway to hang out all day till it was time to go back to the club. That was a typical Friday and Saturday. When I was in high school we'd then get the bus back to our town on Sunday night. When I moved to the city dancing was 5 nights a week. Wednesday through Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were dark. We were pretty dedicated to going and being out. I could go anywhere alone and when I got there know half the house. As time went on I didn't have to pay cover anywhere anymore because I was known by everyone. All the owners liked me to come through because I was cool to everyone and danced my ass off and got the crowd going. I never missed anything in my past.
My life outside of that was harsh, unmanageable, and depressing. I could barely find work, was usually homeless in some capacity. Either living in a transitional shelter. Or couch surfing till I could get into one. The last 3 years I lived there I had a small apartment down on 23rd ave for a mere $450 a month and I was struggling to pay rent every month. There were help agencies I could go to who would help pay, and help with bills. But then I knew I had to get out. Nothing would ever happen for me there. I was about to be homeless again after having a place for 3 years and I decided to move out of state to Florida. The plan was to land at my cousins in Orlando, get a job and a car and then go to Miami to design school and pick up dancing in the studio again and then learn to partner dance. I never learned salsa and tango and all that. It was a solid plan. I hadn't realized my cousin wasn't that wild about me after all these years. She would put me out on the street not knowing a soul, and the struggle began all over again. But this time I didn't have my salvation. No clubs, no friends. No free cover. In the past 14 years I have been to the club a handful of times, but NONE of those times were in the capacity that I love. There was no dancing all night. One time I even fell and tore my knee in the club. It was truly a nightmare.
Since in LA I still haven't really danced my ass off. There are a ton of places I have yet to see. Because of my living situation (having a curfew) going out isn't even allowed. If I do go I have to get 'permission' and fill out forms and have a place to crash for the weekend. I can't just go out and come back at 3 am or whatever after I'm done. So it's kind of a hassle. I imagine when I move out, hardly ever being home. I am looking forward to it actually. Being trapped in a house with a bunch of sad women, all you can do is eat. People bring home cake and pie from the food bank for everyone. You are home on ANOTHER Saturday night, you do the math. I am looking forward to that not being my reality any more.
The funny thing is I want to get in shape. Back in the day I never went to the gym because I was always out dancing. Really dancing my ass off. I started dating guys who were not into going out and couldn't dance, and were nerds who couldn't socialize so I went out less. The pounds started to creep on. I spent 4 years in 2 different relationships. By the end of the last one I had gained 50 lbs. I would gain 40 more when I moved to sunny hot ass Florida. Funny thing with struggling, poverty / homelessness and the like. Working out is not anywhere near the top of the list. You can't afford to dress the way you want, you can't go out. There are no people to look good for anyway so it doesn't become important. When you are in a shelter, you usually for half of the month have to eat what you can find at pantries and food banks. It's usually not the low cal low fat organic stuff for weight loss. Good luck finding fresh veggies. It's usually tons of sugar, and carbs. The past 4 or so years there has been an up tick in on line workouts. So even in my room I can work out by myself. I have had a laptop for only a year. Before that I had a smart phone for a year. So on line workouts were not easy access prior to two years ago.
I used to spend hours dancing in my room or apartment back in the day. I didn't really think of it as working out tho. Even with the on line work outs, there is still a component missing. I'm not going anywhere. So I often feel like what's the point. I have saved tons of workouts. Even subscribed a couple of times. But let it lapse. But as I turn a financial corner finally and see the light at the end of a very long tunnel, I feel a glimmer of inspiration. My dream is to be back in the studio taking classes again. That has been my desire for a couple of decades now. But that is the way I get challenged, not running on a treadmill. Interacting with other dancers, and learning routines speaks to me. Dance was a big part of my life growing up. I thought I would be a dancer when I grew up, but I was derailed by my mother's plans to move to Seattle when I was 14. She refused to pay for classes. That was the official start of my clubbing. I had to dance, that was the only way I could. I don't expect to go pro at this stage in the game. I mean I AM crowding 50. I just want that to be my tribe again. To get my dancers body back. To get my dancers spirit back. To feel like myself again.
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