I grew up an only child for the most part. I had a mom who worked, so I spent a lot of time home alone. Certain things would make me feel safe and comfortable. Window coverings for one. I watch TV and can't understand why a person would live in a million dollar home with NO CURTAINS! It was important I was undetectable when I was there. I tip toed when I had to move around, and the TV was always on very low. I watched a lot of TV to keep my brain occupied till mom got home.
I have a similar feeling now that I am squatting at the shop. I want to be undetectable. There is a line of light that comes under the door, and I look over at it and think, 'I better not see any feets standing there, or I will effing lose my isht.' Last night it was raining, and I woke up in the middle of the night again. I got on my computer and sure enough, I saw feets. My heart started racing out of control. Then I heard the screen door jangle, then open. I was jumping out of my skin. I kept saying 'it's just the boss, it's okay it's just the boss.' The door opened, it wasn't the boss. It was this friend of the boss who used to crash here too. He said he saw my car downstairs and was confused. He asked if I was okay. I said yes. Just waiting some stuff out. He said he was returning the boss' keys to her. They had a falling out because he stole something of hers so he isn't welcome here anymore. Well for the time being. He still has a bunch of clothes and shoes here.
It's been a long time since I could sit up in the middle of the night because I wanna. I think about a lot of stuff then. I went to my bffs for a nice hot shower tonight. Your girl was SPICY! WHOO. Just in time! LOL. I drove back here, and got in my jammies and pulled out the hide a bed. Set up the laptop for some TV till I got sleepy. I should be freaked out, distraught or something because I am squatting. It's not forever. I guess I am lucky not to be in my car. I can lay in a bed, I can lock doors. It's not terrible. I drive around and all I can think is how much I love this city. I have struggled my brains out, but I still love it here. I belong here. I can't wait till I get settled in and find my place here. I'm still excited and hopeful. I'm relived not to be in a mental ward anymore. It wasn't literally. It was a shelter that took in a lot of mentally ill people. The majority of the people staying there had mental issues. That was making me unhappy, and changing my demeanor. I don't like being affected emotionally in negative ways. I am sensitive psychically anyway to many things. Some would say empathic. So when people are mentally ill, it's like living with a scrambler on. When you are around a group of mentally ill people it's like breathing in dirt. I feel clean now that I don't have to be around that. Like the sun is coming back on. I'm still holding on for my housing, and I have had much anger about the wait. But I think I have let go of that too. It's going to happen, any day now. I don't want to go back into a 'program' setting. Curfew has killed much opportunity for me to hang out and network. I have had one for like 4 years except for now. I find myself wanting to hang out with friends and go dancing tomorrow because I don't have to worry about a fucking curfew. I'll go back into a program for a time, then work with this rapid rehousing program to get an apartment that is income based. So I don't have to worry about paying the rent for now. Then I will have the freedom I have craved for years. I keep thinking about what comforter am I going to have first. Where can I get a big mirror. What dishes am I getting first. I need a cutting table for my fabric. I haven't had my sewing machine since December, and I can't wait to have it again. Making new clothes always makes me feel better. $5 downtown can make me into a whole new woman. I discovered this new store down in the fabric district too near the leather shop I go to. They sell bulk jewelry. I love going in there and getting a tiny thing. I have been into bracelets lately. They have gorgeous earrings and beads to make necklaces with. I thought I would like to make some cute pieces for myself. I have been copping little things for months that can elevate my look. I am a t shirt skirt girl. But I don't really have any 'I'm out on a hot date' clothes. I don't have jewelry to wear on a date. I don't have cute date heels. I did buy a pair though. I haven't worn them yet. I like ankle straps, but since I cracked my ankle a few months back, my right one has a weird lump on the side. Which will make it a challenge to wear ankle straps. I feel like I'm in kankle territory anyway. Like I have gained that amount of weight that my ankles are now a little fatter than they should be. All that will be dealt with once I get my housing. So I can cook/ assemble the meals I need to eat so I can go into ketosis and lose all the weight. Have the room to work out each day, and I will have to save $24 a week for dance classes too. All these things have been on hold because since I left the shelter I haven't had access to a kitchen, or any privacy. Not to mention at the asylum you had to wait to use the bathroom a lot, which if I was cleansing; could have been a disaster. When I get to my new program, I will have my own bathroom. It's strange to think I have 125 extra pounds to lose. People might want you to feel good wherever you are. I know I am awesome. Period. But I want to look that way on the outside. You can't say 125 extra pounds isn't affecting the quality of the dating life. It absolutely is in the way. The way I am treated, dismissively must end. I am tired of it. I am tired of not being a candidate for men that I have tons in common with only because of my weight. People can at least get together then realize the person wasn't quite right for them. I don't get that chance. I'm not an option. When I see pictures of myself that get taken when I am out with friends and whatnot I see why. I don't like what I see. How would anyone else like what they see?
I have been on a long journey. I am ready to realize things, and live things.
The time is now.
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