Duck n dodge

Monday came and of course I was going to get on the phone and try and get my housing. It was as if both people came in and told the receptionist if I called tell her I am unavailable or in a meeting. If you put her through, you are fired. I called each person multiple times and every time there was an excuse and I was offered voice mail. I was careful, not to sound annoyed or angry. I was getting crazy frustrated because I really am tired of roughing it. I left one voice mail each. But I kept calling. All day there was nothing. I really want to know what is going on that no one can speak with me. I feel like they want to see if I will leave angry, desperate or crying messages. I won't. I'm really tired of begging them for a place to stay. There is a chunk of me that feels like the principal of it makes me not want to stay there. The fact that I applied a year ago, and for the past 5 months have been going around in circles with them about moving in. The past month they have asked me for every document imaginable, and asked me to get a TB test. Which usually means they have accepted you and you are ready to move in. Yet, I am not there. Come 8am we start the process over again.

Staying at the shop isn't terrible, but it's just highlighting the fact that I don't have a place to live. I imagine this place as an apartment. Laid out like an apartment. With a shower and bathroom, regular sized fridge, stove and microwave with kitchen cabinets. It then seems lots smaller. I'm obsessed with empty warehouses and apartments that are above stores. I'll be driving around and see a warehouse all boarded up and wonder who owns it, and if they would rent it for next to nothing.  I have wanted to live in a warehouse since I was 12. I don't know if I would be up to renovating one and building a bathroom and kitchen. I might if I had the cash to do it. I was reading about $1 homes on line. But it seems that they aren't available in California. Only places like Florida and Detroit. Plus you can't be an individual buying them. It's pretty complicated. But I keep thinking, I have do do something next to impossible to get myself out of this position. Like buy a no money down home or something and move into it. Because this doesn't seem like it's going to subside any time soon, and I feel like I am slowing dying. My health needs an overhaul, but without access to certain things; a kitchen and bathroom- I can't do that. It's becoming more and more intense the longer it's taking to get a stable place to live. I want to change, but I need help. There is nothing worse than being an independent person who does things for themselves, and getting to a place where you can't figure things out so you ask for help; and people just kind of shrug their shoulders at you. Or say they can help you, but they don't know how long it will take.  I love this city but I don't want to live on the edges of it anymore.

I was going to try and see my friend E and his new baby and wife. I haven't seen them in two years since their wedding. I haven't seen the baby yet. It's hard finding the time to hang out. I asked if I could come over and visit. He was saying how they house wasn't clean. I was like...what the hell? That was one of my concerns when they said they were going to have a kid. The total filth they lived in. It's not healthy for kids to live that way. It was grossed out by it completely. When I lived there many times I would go to get a fork or spoon and they had all of them stuck in dishes they had eaten days before. Ew. He then suggested we go have tacos. I said cool. But something told me he would cancel. Sure enough the next day he was sick from some food he ate. I have watched him eat cold ravioli out of a can before. So him being sick off something isn't a stretch. 

Then there was M, whom has been vague about hanging out. That would normally be obvious. But I think I am just entertaining myself with wether or not he will keep plans. I always say he won't. We talked about getting ice cream on Sunday evening. At 6 he asked what part of town I was in. I told him. 9:55 he tells me he just got home, and he's no where near me. Then he tries to say he  didn't think we were going to hang out. It's just sad. He makes me sad. Not because he won't spend time with me; but because he's so lame. He's a church going mama's boy, and that's all he is. Anything outside of that, he's not interested in. He makes it pretty clear he won't put any effort into anything that isn't his family. I'm over it. I want more. I need help getting stable so I can work on myself and get the results I want so I can attract better people.