I was remembering back in grade school when you and your girls were obsessed with boys. Back then it was no big deal to call a boy, and there was no big penalty for doing so. As you got older however, boys became these fortresses that we could never climb. There would come times when you waited and waited for him to call, then got tired of waiting and called him. You knew when he would be home, but he wouldn't come to the phone. There may have been times when his mother would talk you out of calling ever again. Talk about awkward at school.
I think of all this in my current situation. It's been two weeks since the shelter I was in closed and I literally have had no where to go. I call every day and no one will come to the phone. The receptionist screens the calls and it's as if when I say my name it's an automatic dump into voice mail. Can't anyone tell me anything? Why will no one talk to me? Are they just 'ghosting' me like people do now adays? Just ignore her and she'll go away. It's the principal of the fucking thing, how do you have a job where you are supposed to help people and you don't even have a conversation with anyone about anything? Just on ignore week after week. Naturally I am resentful and angry. I try and keep it business like when I call, and not be all emotional on the phone or start telling the receptionist about my issues. Something about this feels disgustingly familiar. It seems to happen when black women are in charge of resources that you need. They may perceive you in a way they don't like. They don't like that your'e persistent, or that you will talk to their supervisor, or that you have a degree; so they use the little power they have to stick it to you. They find something about your personality to be either threatening, or off putting so they play power games with you. This is getting me to the point of wanting to really get loud on some fucking people about the way they handle their business. On tuesday I have an interview with the rapid rehousing people and hopefully they will help me get an apartment so I don't even have to deal with this bullshit anymore.
I'm getting achy and tired because it's that time of the month. It's amplified because of my situation. Emotional and angry more than usual. I wanted to crash at the bosses house, but they are kids, and have everyone under the sun staying there this weekend, so I got offered.....drumroll.........
THE GARAGE!
Yep you read that right. I said the garage. You know who stays in the garage? Animals. Granted this garage is one of those higher end ones, it's still a garage. There isn't a bed to sleep in, just a blow up chair like at the shop. I mean can you make some fucking effort and at least get another folding cot? I feel humiliated. As hard as I work, I should warrant a bed. I was so tired after work, I couldn't see myself driving an hour to arrive to a house full of drunk kids, only to excuse myself to go to sleep in the garage like the family pet. I still can't really bring myself to do it. I really need to wash and rebraid my hair though. The scalp needs it bad. The boss and her girl have been fighting, the brother has a new girlfriend, then a friend from Vegas and his girl will be there, with their resident guy on the couch. 7 people. And me in the garage. I feel some type of way about this. I wanted to get a hotel room around here in the hood for the weekend, but oh I don't make enough. Plus she hasn't paid me my whole check yet anyway.
It's memorial day weekend, so the swapmeet will be a crazy place. I wanted to get my hair did, but everyone will be doing the same. My event is sunday and I want to look nice. I had the guys make me a cute dress. My boss girl willed me some white shell top adidas, which I have always wanted. So I will rock those. I want to get a fake dookie chain from the prank store in hollywood to complete my outfit.
I walked alot today for work and my ankle swelled up. I wonder if a doctor can do anything about this or if it's just me losing the weight finally. I am eating nothing but junk food so swollen ankles is about right. I'm on the verge of cankles, and we can't have that. If anything will make you feel old, cankles is it. While I was out getting supplies in the fashion district there was this morbidly obese man sitting on the side walk begging for money. He was clearly homeless and he smelled awful. I have seen him before, and I try as best I can not to do the look away, or pretend he isn't there to any homeless person. You have to admit the state some homeless people live in is jarring. I get so burnt out on seeing black men in this state. He sat there talking about how no one will help him. Then said, 'I have to start committing crimes around here.' I was like whoa. So it's like that? I was reaching to give him dollar when he said it. I am without a home too, and I am giving him money as he sits there in his own filth. I get upset if I can't shower every other day. But I am not an addict either. Nor am I mentally ill. I saw my dollar going in slow motion into his hand. I couldn't help but think of all of the agencies that would help him out before they would me because I am a functioning adult, who can care for herself, drive a car and hold a job. I saw my dollar going into this man's hand and all I could think was 'why don't you help yourself?' I got angry. I got resentful. That would be my last dollar to this man.
In this state I need normalcy. Interaction with people in a normal way. I don't want to feel like I am hiding from the world. But when I reach out to some, they don't reach back. Which adds to my feeling they way I do. It's a mix of sad, angry, resentful, upset and just plain old fashioned pissed off. I want to get outside my feelings and zone out. When I can't it grows.
There is this guy that goes to church a lot. We have been intimate. But when we have, right after he ghosts for long periods of time. He will text 'hey what's up' or even good morning texts. Spending time with me is like pulling teeth. I told him I was going through some things and could use some face time. He doesn't step up. So where's that compassion that Christ talked about? Or I don't deserve it because we had sex? I feel like choking this guy.
I am tired.
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