Not going to bitch but....

Trying to date is a pain in the ass in general. I have issues with black men in their 40's sometimes because they look so much like relatives or my father, and it skeeves me out. I can't date members of Levert. It's really kind of a headache because I am also a creative type, and can't really deal with the 'opposites attract' element and date dudes who like watching sports religiously and never want to do anything I like to do. I promised myself after my last 'relationship' that I would make an effort to date someone I had things in common with. I crushed on this guy on line for like 2 years, who lived in LA when I was in Florida, then I happened to move to LA.. We know alot of the same people. We became facebook friends. I kept running into him on dating sites over and over, and so I finally said hey, we need to meet. I gave him my number and he hit me up seconds later. But two months later, we still have yet to meet. He's black, 40, creative, alternative in his style and way of living. He has a job, car and place and no kids. He's gorgeous as well. BUT.... I have a feeling he doesn't date black women, and doesn't want to say it outloud, so he doesn't push to get together. When I meet black men that I relate to culturally, they tend to only date anything BUT black women, and are all kinds of reluctant to even give me the time of day. It's a bit tiring really. Not sure there is anything I can do about it. 

But....

It seems like all of California is on weed. I don't like it, I don't believe in it, I have been there done that and know where it leads and I don't want it in my life. I am perfectly within my rights NOT to want to date a drug addict. I don't think it is a giant thing to ask or being picky or high maintenance. The fucked up part is most 'creative' types think they have to smoke weed or else they aren't creative. Everytime I talk to a guy who is really cool and cute, and have tons in common with, he smokes weed! It's starting to piss me off. It's even more irritating is these guys are in their mid to late 30's and even 40's! I mean don't you give that shit up after you graduate college?  Many guys don't say in their profiles that they smoke weed. So when I read them I don't get that until they actually tell me in conversation. It's a deal breaker, and unless he's got cancer, it's non negotiable. I spent all of my 20's trying to have relationships with guys who smoked weed and it was nothing but a really long nightmare. My ex didn't smoke, but had all through high school, and was still a strong supporter of the culture and lifestyle. We would get into wicked arguments about it so we couldn't even discuss weed.
Other than him it was a procession of wasteoids, who made my life miserable with all their, forgetfulness, selective memory, lack of ambition, mental laziness in areas of things that matter and make one's life better, and general selfishness. Back then there were no weed stores so many 'date nights' were spent looking for weed. Or watching him smoke then not feel like taking me anywhere. I got stranded in the middle of the night by a guy friend who got too stoned to take me home one night, and I ended up having to walk home in the rain. 

I had been talking to this super cute age appropriate, lives down the street creative guy. In his profile he mentions he's been sober for 15 years. I was like FINALLY!!!!! After we have chatted and then made a date to meet this weekend I notice his screen name has 420 in it! I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!O!!!!!!O!O!O!O!OO!O!O!O!O!O! I guess I have to address it when I see him. I will be so crushed if he smokes too because I could see grooving with this guy.  

It's a drawback of loving hip hop, graffiti artists, and b boys. 90% of them are weed heads. It's really depressing.

I guess something turned....

I was doing my usual freak out I hate the world why are you doing this to me God face all day. I had to help finish cleaning up the old office and wheel stuff to the new one on a dolly. Walking back and fourth, I was wondering why I wasn't getting any closer to normalcy. Why I wasn't getting any real calls about actual jobs. I was getting angrier and angrier, to the point I started to get a headache. I was all sweatty from the moving, so I walked home and took a shower. When I got to my phone there was a call missed. I listened to the message and it was a job. Not just any job tho. It was a design job with the company Toki Doki! I applied a few weeks ago and forgot about it. I was so happy! They want to see me next week. I am nervous of course because I WANT THIS JOB! So I am going to see my advisor on Monday to do a mock interview. I am studying about them like crazy on line so I can ask some really cool questions. I love their stuff. I remember finding one of their bags in a thrift store and going crazy because I could finally have one.  I get this job, it will be the official beginning of the new life. A lot is riding on this. I want this to happen.

It goes on....

It was one of those days when I wanted to get some stuff done. There was an open call at a recycled clothing store by my house and I thought I would go. They have been advertising for a month, then they put an ad on CL. I filled out an application a few weeks ago but at the bottom they ask 'name some hot labels.' Of course I wanted to know in what areas? I had been reading about streetwear all day so I put two men's streetwear labels, then two designers. I think that was technically wrong. So I thought to fill out another with some different answers. I can't say I am convinced that that is the best place for me. I just like it's near my house. I could get off work and still have a life. I mentioned that I had filled one out a few weeks ago. The manager says 'if we were interested we would have called.' But my phone was off so lets do this again. I didn't tell her that tho. I just filled out another. I wanted to hi lite that I am a fashion graduate as well. 

Goodwill is hiring too, and they were around the corner. So I went by to ask about how the applications are processed. They girl I spoke with told me they had already done all of their hiring. So I felt like I got nothing done. I went back home and walking back to my house I got kind of angry. I am tired of looking for work. I am tired of applying for jobs I am clearly qualified to do and not getting calls or interviews. It's like 2011 all over again, when I first moved here. But at least I have the boys & girls club job that I just had to help me a little. I am burnt out and I really want to move!!!! I get so angry and have no way to express it at all. I just swallow it. 

Later I had to go to mandated bible study and the sermon was about being patient. I was like 'are you kidding me right now.' That was the LAAAAASSSSSSTTTT thing I wanted to hear. I am sick to death of being patient. Or trying to figure out 'God's Plan.' That there's God's time and there's our time, and he has eternity. I just got angrier and angrier. Looking for work has always been a drag. But right now because I want my situation to change it's really difficult for me to just 'hang in there'. I don't have a choice but it's fucking me up emotionally.

Graduation Day

I struggled with even going to graduation at all. But I got all my stuff ready anyway. Even the night before I was not really wanting to do it. I got up and got ready. Did my makeup and it turned out pretty good. It was really hot even in the morning. I got to school and went to the holding area. I didn't know anyone there really. There were a couple of girls I had classes with, but my homies are still in school and have a couple years left. They gave us pizza while we waited. Then we had to line up. I was first in line. The robe looked ok, and with the bottom open you couldn't tell it didn't fit. I got the wrong color tassel. It was supposed to be red, mine was silver. The girl in line behind me had a black one so I didn't feel so bad. 
When we got to the auditorium at the Academy of Arts and Sciences building and I saw everyone's families I felt hollow. I was there alone. Much of my life is this way. All of my friends have to work on a Friday morning or else they would have been there. I walked across the stage and had to stop for two pictures, but now I wonder where the pictures end up. I didn't have anyone there to take pictures of me. I took one but I was squinting so bad I look crazy. I might just put my robe back on and have a roomate take some pics of me. It was sort of nice finishing college officially. 

I went to the computer lab to do the test for the handbag job, but the instructions were so sparse I wasn't 100% sure I was doing what they wanted. I don't think I really want the job anyway. I know I can't be happy working 7 days a week. The thing is it's a 'family owned' business and they are from the middle east. I have noticed with family owned businesses they run their family to the bone, and ignore labor laws completely. I have known probably 10 people that work for their families, and they rarely get a day off or breaks either. I can't walk into that. The days of taking the first offer even if it doesn't sound right are over. Besides the boss is way too good looking for me to be able to focus on my work.

When I was going to paint the new offices the other day, when I walked through the alley I saw a wad of bills on the ground. I picked them up. It was like $30. I was sad for who lost it, but happy for me because I was dead broke. I will be able to get some job search stuff done next week. I will get a job. One of my friends at school works at a big retailer and the managers love him so he said he'd put in a good word for me. So I will stop in on Monday. I haven't been to my church in like 2 months. I finally have money to go. I am looking forward to going. But I have to go to sleep.

Graduation Eve....

Believe it or not my school ad visor the day of the dinner e mails me with a possible interview for a handbag company who needs a graphic person. I was so happy. It was also downtown and not only that but the bus that goes past my house drops me off 3 blocks from the building. The fashion district downtown is so amazing, it's so busy and there are so many shops and different points of view. All the old theaters down there are so inspiring. I went into the market center building which is like a 12 story office building but instead of offices there are all stores with clothes, shoes, bags and jewelry all separated by market. Like this is men's, women's, children's etc. I went to the accessories floor and it was like walking through heaven. So many gorgeous bags, and jewelry. I got to my area and the boss comes out to greet me and he's GORGEOUS! Distractingly so. I really had to work hard to focus. I showed him my website and my portfolio. He showed me the kind of work I would be doing. I have a take home test to complete. But the only thing was they work 7 days a week. I thought he was joking. He in fact was not. I want my first design job, but I want to enjoy my life too. I feel like a brat if I don't take it but I feel like it would be a mistake to take it  knowing I never get a day off. I'm trying to get into a relationship and get serious with someone. How will I ever if I never have a day off? Besides my boss will be looking all good, and I won't have any free time....recipe for total and complete disaster and unhappiness. I love where the job is located. It's my favorite area, plus I want to move to the arts district a few blocks from there. I just am really torn.

Truth be told, I kind of wanted to pick up a job I wouldn't feel guilty quitting after a few months. I wanted to get enough money to get my on line businesses up and running and samples made of my handbags. I feel like this job wouldn't be one of those. I couldn't bear that gorgeous man being mad at me.

Tomorrow is graduation. I took the zipper out of the robe and flipped it upside down. I am still not that jazzed about going since I'm going to be there alone anyway. It's going to take everything I have to go through with it. I didn't find out absolutely that the robes were black. But if they aren't I guess I'll be going home. I just don't want everyone looking at me. But it's a milestone in my life I suppose even if I am going it alone.

Can't get with it...

It's been roughly 3 months since I graduated college. It wasn't an easy road at all. I can't say that I got all that I wanted out of it either. I was going part time, so not to overwhelm myself with classes, but it was taking forever. Every now and then I would take a full load. I sacrificed a lot to go back to school. Since I don't have people to help me out and support me like parents, I had to do it myself. So for three years of my school life I was pretty much homeless. When I came to LA I crashed with one of my best friends on the floor in his kitchen for a year and 4 months, then I moved to a transitional shelter. I worked the last 8 months of my school career only because the school found me a position. It was very far away too. I was tired of being broke all the time so I made the hour and a half busride there and back 3 times a week. I was telling a friend, it's a shame that you can't do some kind of exercise while you are commuting, even if it's something dumb like riding a stationary bike. My legs felt like they were atrophying. When I would get home at night I would be in pain, knees hurting from sometimes being squished in a too small seat, and ankles sometimes the size of melons. I told myself, the next job will be IN THE CITY! No more long busrides!

The things I looked forward to the most in fashion school were of course couture class, basic bodice and screen printing class. Those were what I went for. However, I didn't get them. I originally planned to go for my BA, which included the upper level courses listed. However the toll of homelessness was weighing on me. I really need to get stable again, and get a car so I am more employable. I also hit a snag in my classes. The computer design teacher kept flunking me. That class is required for you to get a BA. I had taken it before in Fort Lauderdale, but they called it something else, and so I had to take it again in LA. This woman would not pass me. She acted as if I had no idea what I was doing on the computer whatsoever. She has a best friend at school who also is an instructor who got in the habit of flunking me as well. Between the two of them I was ready to drop out, but I sacrificed everything for the dream I couldn't just drop out. I opted for an AA so I could just get out and go to work and get my life back in order. I'd come back once I was generating some decent income and get my BA. People always say you never come back. But who knows. I am finding out that and AA is useless when you are looking for design jobs. You midas well have a GED. 

The ceremony is this Friday. We were supposed to order caps and gowns from on line, and I had zero money. I asked around and one of the case managers where I live had one. She is a plus size lady so I thought no problem, her gown would fit me. Needless to say it is so tight on I can't sit down in it, unless I leave it unzipped. But you don't ever see people going on stage with the gown unzipped. You have this idea of your college graduation, the great happy day it's going to be and all. But it doesn't feel that way to me at all. I don't have any family, and the friends I have don't know what I am going through. I am struggling to keep it together. I feel like if I go to graduation, I will come apart at the ceremony. I haven't been communicating with anyone about my graduation anyway. So it can come and go without anyone really asking me about it. I got an e mail about picking up tickets and there being a dinner on Tuesday night for the graduates. I RSVPd but now I am considering not going. I really don't even have the money to ride the train there. I am not sure what to do. I mean go to the dinner, fake my way through it, get the tickets and then waste them? I could give them away to people who need more for more family members. I feel like once I got my BA, that would be a real graduation. Not a 'I have to get out of here because people are fucking with me and I can't support myself.' That's nothing to celebrate. 

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing on the computer. Huh?

Believe it or not....

I love this city so much. I don't have a car yet so I ride the bus and the train. So I spend a lot of time looking at the landscape. The neighborhoods, the stores the people. Sometimes it's the perfect temperature and I am walking and the breeze is blowing and it's like I am in a dream. I can't believe I am here sometimes. I of course say I should have come here years ago. Skipped Florida completely and just come here. By now I would be established and in my own spot with a life. When I moved to Florida it took 5 years to get 'back on my feet' so to speak. I hope it's not going to take that here. It's already been 3 years and 2 months. I am no where near ready to move into my own place. Don't get me wrong, the place where I live is nice considering it's transitional housing. That's a little better than a shelter, because they screen people and make you pay program fees. But when you are between jobs or can't pay they don't kick you out as long as you are looking for work consistently. For now I have a pretty nice spacious room and a bed to sleep in, even if it is a childs bunk bed. I have wifi and a food pantry in case the going gets rough. So I can't complain. The only thing is there is a curfew. If I want to be out past it I have to get 'permission' and I can only go on the weekends. I can't make spontaneous decisions to just hang out when I want. It's a christian program too so there is bible study on a loop. Some days when you want to be gone doing something fun, you have to be in bible study. If you get a weekend pass, when you come back you have to take a drug test. Which I don't mind, because I'm not about that life anyway. The program used to be for people getting out of rehab. But of course because of the turn of the economy the population has broadened to include all kinds of people. Maybe 10% are people getting off drugs, the other ones are underemployed, or people who lost jobs and couldn't find them so they lost their places. There are 6 ladies living in the house where I live. 4 of them are retirement age, and out of the workforce. One is an ex addict who doesn't quite grasp the concept of getting out there and making money to have a life. She doesn't really go hard looking for work everyday, but volunteers at the church down the block on Friday thinking that will save her from getting kicked out indefinitely. She's never lived on her own at 29, I can't imagine it. I am DYING to live on my own, in my own apartment ALONE! Some days are better than others. I am just thankful that I don't have a roomate crammed in here. Every so often they make a mistake and some nutbag gets in. Several times we had to endure religious zelots who wanted to tell everyone in the house what was wrong with them. The last one left a few weeks ago when she accused the house manager of conspiring with one of the pastors to tailor his sermon around her. Yeah you are crazy paranoid and need to live in a facility and be under sedation. Obsessed with the illumanati and satan, day and day out like this. It was a relief to see her go. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about life on the 'outside', decorating my apartment, buying good food and cooking meals at my place. Inviting friends over for dinner and movie nights. Sleeping in a firm full sized bed with 8 pillows. I can't wait.

This day.....ugh

Today is father's day. I usually have to avoid social media on days like this. Mother's day too. All my friends are posting these pictures of them with their dad, past and present. It is cool for them, but not so much for me. It really gets to me, when I see pictures from my family, cousins posting my uncles. My little cousin posted this long paragraph about how amazing her dad is. I can imagine my cousin who's close to my age who has the same father reading that and her heart sinking, because she didn't have her father in her life hardly. But her little sister did. 

Some people go through the motions today and call and send cards to men they barely know. I don't fake the funk for anybody. I have forgiven him, and I do wish I could see him and talk to him and hang with him. I just don't feel like were at a 'happy father's day' point. I haven't seen him in more than 30 years. I'm sure he thinks about me today as well and the missteps he's made. His new wife threatened to leave him if he spoke to me, or had any kind of relationship with me. So he stayed away. There were years I would call and no one would answer the phone, or his wife would simply hang up in my face. I am his first born child, but somehow I have been erased from his life. As a man, you allow a woman to delete your child from your life? What kind of MAN does that? I only have one picture of me and my dad and I was barely a year old in the picture. He was sitting down, and helping me stand up. That's it. That's really the only picture of my dad that exists, other than the one he sent to my mom from Vietnam. Him sitting in a tent, dressed for patrol, but in his sock feet. He looked very scared in the face but trying to hide it. 

You go to church today and they pastor will say who's a father out there. Then the whole sermon is about dads. But of course goes back to the holy father. 

I don't have any children. I knew when I was a teenager I didn't want kids. I'm open to adopting a kid or two but when I get some financial stability in my life. It's funny how people talk about messages little girls were given about marriage and babies. I wasn't given any at all. No princesses, no princes. No speculation about my wedding. None of it. I didn't start thinking about marriage till I was 35. By then it was such a mystery to me I just left it alone. I knew I didn't want to be a single mother, or have a child out of wedlock if I were to have one. That never materialized. I didn't want my child to grow up all willy nilly like I did. 

It always amazes me how little thought some people put into getting pregnant. Or some of the stupid reasons they have for having a child. Some people don't even think about the child's needs at all. It's just 'I want a baby'. How you will raise it, educate it, feed it be damned. Not to mention the man they choose to impregnate themselves with. Sometimes comes with little to no thought, then they are shocked that he's a deadbeat dad?  Yeah, we know character isn't something you look for in a cut buddy. But it should figure in when choosing a father for your child. I'm just saying.

Return of the metaphor..

Twice in one week the parable of the drowning man surfaced. I tell the joke at parties sometimes but this week it surfaced twice in two different situations. For you who haven't heard the short version is:

There is a man in the ocean and he's about to drown.
He calls out to God to save him.
A man in a rowboat comes along and offers to save him
The man declines saying 'God will save me'
The man thinks this is strange but rows away.

A motorboat comes by--same thing
an ocean liner comes along----same thing
The man finally drowns, and goes to heaven.
He has the nerve to ask God why he didn't save him.
God points out that he sent three boats.

The jist is that we have our idea how things will work out, and then there's the opportunities that we squander and then end up 'drowning' in our own shit.

Don't get me wrong, the drowning man is clearly an idiot. The idea that he 'thinks God is going to save him' makes Christians look like the definition of idiot. I would definitely crawl my ass in a rowboat and call it a day. I would hope I would think that I could see help when I needed it. As far as life and death situations, drowning happens a lot more slowly, and far less urgency that needing a boat to pull us out of the ocean.

Because of this life change I am facing this parable rang in my ears a little harder than it usually would. For instance I want to start my own company. I think 'Who the hell do you think you are? You just graduated a few months ago.'  But I have been planning it for 20 years. It's not something I came up with over night. I thought I would look for a company to work for. I found one that was hiring, and I got really nervous because I wanted it so bad. I found out today they hired someone, and never even invited me for an interview. My feeling is 'It's because I need to crush them. They are the competition.' If I went to work for them that would me more time that I wouldn't be developing my brand.  It's scary but it seems like all the signs are pointing to me starting my company. It still seems crazy but I have been waiting half my life to start my brand. I feel like now is the time. Also I feel like do I really think I can get away with that? I don't have.....so many things, how the HELL am I going to start a fashion brand? But then again you hear this sort of thing all the time when people who are crazy successful sit down to interview about how they got where they were. I always reflect back on Marc Ecko in his garage with spray cans making shirts for his friends, then doing graffiti on women's nails for them. He had to start somewhere. I need to start somewhere too.

follow through is a beoych

I applied for a shit ton of customer service jobs, and all last week I was getting calls back to back saying they wanted to see me. Now, when I am applying I make sure the job is listed as 'Los Angeles' because that is where I live. Every single job that called me back was NOT in Los Angeles, they were at least an hour or more away by bus. I do not have a car so I have to bus it everywhere. My last job was an hour and a half bus ride each way and my body turned on me big time because of it. The stiffness, the swollen ankles, the aching back. It was all hell. After I left I swore never again would I ride the bus this far for a job. After the 7th call I gave in and said I would go in for an interview. I have never purposely gone to Inglewood so I figure I'd check it out. It was a two hour bus ride one way plus a 20 minute walk down an industrial road with no bus service to the building. All the way there I was like, 'You don't want this job, just go home.' My phone is off because I can't pay the bill so I couldn't call and cancel. I know, who cares if you don't show up? But I just didn't feel right about not showing up, without being able to get in touch with them. I always wear flip flops to walk in and change into my interview shoes outside the building out of view of anyone. I ended up being a half and hour late, but they acted like they were running late anyway so no big deal. I was given an appointment with the wrong department. Sales, which you need a car for. Customer service you don't. I tried my best to get through the interview and be sunny and cheery, but all I could think is I'm not spending my summer doing this. When you get home at 7 or 8 at night, you don't want to do anything. There is no hitting the gym or working out at home alone. You are tired and sore from the bus ride. I want to work in the city. No more than 40 minutes to commute, prefer less. So I can get home at a decent hour and work out if I want, plus have some evening left to wind down. Not just get home and collapse. I'm too old for the schleprock. I want the universe to support this request.