Can't get with it...

It's been roughly 3 months since I graduated college. It wasn't an easy road at all. I can't say that I got all that I wanted out of it either. I was going part time, so not to overwhelm myself with classes, but it was taking forever. Every now and then I would take a full load. I sacrificed a lot to go back to school. Since I don't have people to help me out and support me like parents, I had to do it myself. So for three years of my school life I was pretty much homeless. When I came to LA I crashed with one of my best friends on the floor in his kitchen for a year and 4 months, then I moved to a transitional shelter. I worked the last 8 months of my school career only because the school found me a position. It was very far away too. I was tired of being broke all the time so I made the hour and a half busride there and back 3 times a week. I was telling a friend, it's a shame that you can't do some kind of exercise while you are commuting, even if it's something dumb like riding a stationary bike. My legs felt like they were atrophying. When I would get home at night I would be in pain, knees hurting from sometimes being squished in a too small seat, and ankles sometimes the size of melons. I told myself, the next job will be IN THE CITY! No more long busrides!

The things I looked forward to the most in fashion school were of course couture class, basic bodice and screen printing class. Those were what I went for. However, I didn't get them. I originally planned to go for my BA, which included the upper level courses listed. However the toll of homelessness was weighing on me. I really need to get stable again, and get a car so I am more employable. I also hit a snag in my classes. The computer design teacher kept flunking me. That class is required for you to get a BA. I had taken it before in Fort Lauderdale, but they called it something else, and so I had to take it again in LA. This woman would not pass me. She acted as if I had no idea what I was doing on the computer whatsoever. She has a best friend at school who also is an instructor who got in the habit of flunking me as well. Between the two of them I was ready to drop out, but I sacrificed everything for the dream I couldn't just drop out. I opted for an AA so I could just get out and go to work and get my life back in order. I'd come back once I was generating some decent income and get my BA. People always say you never come back. But who knows. I am finding out that and AA is useless when you are looking for design jobs. You midas well have a GED. 

The ceremony is this Friday. We were supposed to order caps and gowns from on line, and I had zero money. I asked around and one of the case managers where I live had one. She is a plus size lady so I thought no problem, her gown would fit me. Needless to say it is so tight on I can't sit down in it, unless I leave it unzipped. But you don't ever see people going on stage with the gown unzipped. You have this idea of your college graduation, the great happy day it's going to be and all. But it doesn't feel that way to me at all. I don't have any family, and the friends I have don't know what I am going through. I am struggling to keep it together. I feel like if I go to graduation, I will come apart at the ceremony. I haven't been communicating with anyone about my graduation anyway. So it can come and go without anyone really asking me about it. I got an e mail about picking up tickets and there being a dinner on Tuesday night for the graduates. I RSVPd but now I am considering not going. I really don't even have the money to ride the train there. I am not sure what to do. I mean go to the dinner, fake my way through it, get the tickets and then waste them? I could give them away to people who need more for more family members. I feel like once I got my BA, that would be a real graduation. Not a 'I have to get out of here because people are fucking with me and I can't support myself.' That's nothing to celebrate. 

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing on the computer. Huh?