This day.....ugh

Today is father's day. I usually have to avoid social media on days like this. Mother's day too. All my friends are posting these pictures of them with their dad, past and present. It is cool for them, but not so much for me. It really gets to me, when I see pictures from my family, cousins posting my uncles. My little cousin posted this long paragraph about how amazing her dad is. I can imagine my cousin who's close to my age who has the same father reading that and her heart sinking, because she didn't have her father in her life hardly. But her little sister did. 

Some people go through the motions today and call and send cards to men they barely know. I don't fake the funk for anybody. I have forgiven him, and I do wish I could see him and talk to him and hang with him. I just don't feel like were at a 'happy father's day' point. I haven't seen him in more than 30 years. I'm sure he thinks about me today as well and the missteps he's made. His new wife threatened to leave him if he spoke to me, or had any kind of relationship with me. So he stayed away. There were years I would call and no one would answer the phone, or his wife would simply hang up in my face. I am his first born child, but somehow I have been erased from his life. As a man, you allow a woman to delete your child from your life? What kind of MAN does that? I only have one picture of me and my dad and I was barely a year old in the picture. He was sitting down, and helping me stand up. That's it. That's really the only picture of my dad that exists, other than the one he sent to my mom from Vietnam. Him sitting in a tent, dressed for patrol, but in his sock feet. He looked very scared in the face but trying to hide it. 

You go to church today and they pastor will say who's a father out there. Then the whole sermon is about dads. But of course goes back to the holy father. 

I don't have any children. I knew when I was a teenager I didn't want kids. I'm open to adopting a kid or two but when I get some financial stability in my life. It's funny how people talk about messages little girls were given about marriage and babies. I wasn't given any at all. No princesses, no princes. No speculation about my wedding. None of it. I didn't start thinking about marriage till I was 35. By then it was such a mystery to me I just left it alone. I knew I didn't want to be a single mother, or have a child out of wedlock if I were to have one. That never materialized. I didn't want my child to grow up all willy nilly like I did. 

It always amazes me how little thought some people put into getting pregnant. Or some of the stupid reasons they have for having a child. Some people don't even think about the child's needs at all. It's just 'I want a baby'. How you will raise it, educate it, feed it be damned. Not to mention the man they choose to impregnate themselves with. Sometimes comes with little to no thought, then they are shocked that he's a deadbeat dad?  Yeah, we know character isn't something you look for in a cut buddy. But it should figure in when choosing a father for your child. I'm just saying.