On and on...

Yesterday a woman e mailed me from one of my agencies about an office job that pays $15 full time and that I can actually get to. She asked if it was near me and I said yes. I didn't hear back from her all day. I called this morning to inquire and her response was 'all of our jobs have been put on hold.'  Of course I was thinking 'what the hell is that supposed to mean? Can you be less vague please?' I think, I don't have time for this bullshit. 

Another agency I belong to I contacted to see if I would be going in for a customer service job I applied to back on the 11th of the month. It was then the 21st so I thought 10 days was plenty of time for them to figure it out. Turns out there is no job, and they were just collecting people for their data base just in case one comes in. I am really tired. I told my contact person call me for anything. Even if its one day. I don't care. But he refuses to do so. Then he tells me there is a stockroom temp job at BARNEYS OF NEW YORK! But he didn't think I would want it. It's BARNEYS! Of course I would want it. Yeah it's only a week. Which is a weeks worth of money. I can't believe this cat, I told him I didn't care how long it was,as long as it was in the city. He will not call. I have to chill and just stay on him about it.

The comic con expo is this weekend, so hopefully I will hear from my dream job afterward. I am sure they are busy with the show and didn't have time to train anyone new while they were doing that. No biggie.

I've got pms and want to just power through it. 

later---------

I got through to one of the agencies, and they want me to come down and fill out the paperwork for the temp job at BARNEYS! It's only a week, but damn it's going to feel good to get out of this damn house and among the living. Even if it is in Beverly Hills. I can breathe a little, but I have to get through this week.

Sunday finally back...

This past week I felt like I was melting on the inside. I haven't been to the church (spiritual center ) in almost two months. I was starting to really feel it. Being stuck in dead church and dead boring ass naptime bible study was starting to make me to feel crazy. 

I am over my roomate and her talking non stop about moving to the YMCA with her best friend Charla. Charla is a bully with two kids. Charla stole from her and she is too timid to confront her about it. She lied to my face about confronting her. Which is typical. When she has to do something hard she lies about it or avoids it. She hasn't stopped in a week talking about moving and how she can't wait to get out of here , how sick she is of this place, how she's going to have more freedom, and a gym and a later curfew blah blah blah on and on. I pointed out that there are other people here that want the same thing and it would be nice if she was more mindful of that. She had no clue what I was saying. I got to the point where I playfully told her she was becoming obnoxious. She is unable to hold a conversation without talking about moving. I am done. She's very immature, and I don't really have the brain space for it. She's 27 years old and has the mind of a 16 year old. I am trying to be around more mature sophisticated established people who can offer wisdom about my path in life. Not little kids who are just going to hide from life forever thinking that because they have $155 a month after their welfare check comes and they pay the $66 on their room that they are balling out of control. She will sit for the next 18 months, chatting on her phone watching TV and not looking for a job. I need more out of the people in my life than that. I am welcoming her departure on Friday. Maybe I will not be here when it happens. She she will move out and that will  be that. She doesn't even speak to me now anyway so fuck her.

I liked riding the bus again to my church. I missed it. Except when I got on the second bus a homeless man in a wheelchair got on who smelled like hot garbage and stunk up the whole bus so bad everyone had to hold something over their face to avoid the smell. Even with all the windows open it still smelled. Hell, someone lit a cigarette in the back of the bus and smoked it openly and it smelled better than the gross funk. The bus driver just let it happen. It was that bad. I got the the center and it was packed. It's like walking into a movie theater after the movie starts, and you can't see anything till your eyes adjust. I stood by the wall to wait for them to adjust to the dim light. The pastor said, "Get ya back up off the wall." Everyone laughed. I sqoze into a seat in the back. I hoped not to be trapped by a fussy baby. I felt relieved to be there. I felt my anger melting away. The theme was re-calibration. Which is what I felt I needed to do. To get back to my base setting of happiness and joy. I really felt great sitting there listening. As people were leaving slowly after the collection I noticed some sun glasses on the floor in front of me. I asked the lady in front of me if they were hers. she said no. They were kind of nice so I kept them. Then it was the pastors birthday so the youth wanted to do a performance for him of his song 'Adventure in Paradise' but it was the EDM remix so it was really high energy and everyone was dancing. Then after there was a big dance in the parking lot. It was really beautiful. I went to the bulletin board to see if there was anything juicy there. There was a beverly hills salon looking for a receptionist. I thought wouldn't it be funny if this was The Kimble salon? It said specifically a hair augmentation bar. But the posting was up June 4th. A long time ago. There were some rooms for rent that were affordable, but I am leery of moving in with strangers. I can't live with pot smokers. I won't. My energy will go into my own place. I got prayer from a practitioner after the service and I cried and smeared my makeup. I tried to fix my face a bit, but opted to put my new shades on. I felt cleansed after. I got some fliers for some meetings during the week, so I can keep my momentum flowing. After talking to my mom and having hatred return, I had to do something.

I found out my old roomate from Ft Lauderdale started a t shirt line, and it's awful. I mean everyone has a t shirt line but me. I have to get on the ball and start moving in that direction. I think it will make me feel like I am progressing if I start putting together a business plan and attending meetings on how to start a small business. I really would rather not spend the next 4 years working for someone else. I wish my grandad was still alive. He owned his own business and was his own boss early in the game. He would understand what I want and support me. I want to be in the room with movers and shakers. People who make other people money and are good at it and are so rich they don't care if you know what they know or not. My life is the opposite of that.  

I have to get serious about this path and act like a star, and own it.

Adventures in Paradise- Michael Bernard Beckwith

This week in paranoiaville pt 2

I felt myself losing momentum this week. I spent most of my time on my laptop searching for jobs, and finding many I had already applied for. I went on a great interview last Friday and the feedback that was given was that she liked me bunches and enjoyed our time together, but feels I would be happier at the corporate level designing instead of in the store. I can't say she isn't perceptive. I would work in the store because she said that's where she started out, and where everyone usually starts out. I can't imagine getting a design position right out of the gate. But who knows? I was telling my mom about this and her advice was to do the opposite of what our advisors trained us to do. She wanted me to give more generic answers in order to get the job. I explained that we were told to express our passion for design when interviewing. Mom is telling me not to. I am done hiding I told her. I am done downplaying who I am just to get a paycheck that keeps me broke and homeless anyways. Those days are over. I have to start living my truth, and being who I was designed to be. Instead of always going back to what never worked in the first place.. 

It's new and uncharted territory, being who you want to and were meant to be and people still accepting you. I am trying to get loud not stay in a box I hate. I am trying to bust loose and be creative for a living and be around creative people for a living and have those as my friends not clock into an office and sit at a desk with squares who didn't have much vision to begin with. I don't have kids to blame this on, it's just me. For now I have a roof over my head that isn't going to roll me out onto the streets because my rent isn't paid. But the months are starting to pile up. It's getting annoying. The casting agency hasn't booked me in weeks, and there were tons of shows going on too. I even signed up for 3 more for the weekend. Curious if they will e mail and tell me to show up. You can spec, but every time I have it was a waste of time. I like going knowing I am booked and making money that day. I have nothing better to do so maybe I will go and because I don't care I'll get in. 

I want to get some sewing done this weekend and have a new outfit for church. I need a pick me up.

This week in paranoiaville

Today is my moms birthday, and we aren't that close. I talk to her as little as possible because she sometimes says the wrong shit to me and I don't need it. My mom is the queen of 'you know what you SHOULD have done was....' but can never tell you before anything happens. She is elderly and her advice can sometimes be a bit outdated. But sometimes I just let her talk because she thinks she's doing something. Today I was telling her about my frustrating job search. How annoyed I am with applying for jobs that I am qualified for several times over and not getting calls back even from agencies. I told her too, that many call center jobs want bilingual people now too. So her solution is for me to learn Spanish. I took it in high school and was very into it, and got quite good. High school wasn't fun for me, and I had a lot of problems with my mom back then. I was noticing more and more in my advanced class no one would bother doing the homework, and no one would even know how to say anything. I wondered why they were in the advanced class? I couldn't even carry on a conversation with any of them in Spanish. It was me and the teacher doing all the lessons every day. I got fed up. I wanted to drop the class. My teacher begged and begged me not to. I thought to myself too, there are no Spanish speakers in this little tiny town anyway, when the hell am I ever going to use this? I am not kicking myself or anything now. I still remember my high school Spanish. But that's what it is. Besides, why am I going to kill myself learning another language to work a job that I don't want and that will just keep me poor anyway? Eff that. If I am going to sit and learn Spanish it's because I am going on vacation to Spain. If I am going to learn a language for my job, it will be French so I can work in Paris at a fashion house, or Italian for the same reason. Or Japanese for the same reason. My mom said 'you are limiting yourself.' From what? Making the same $10 fucking dollars that got me in this fucking predicament in the first place? She will be the first to tell anyone who will listen how stubborn I am and how I am limiting myself by not learning Spanish. She can keep that bullshit. I told her so too. I know I sound like some old white man that just lost his job at the factory for 30 years to a Mexican who will work for less, but it's the principal of the goddamned thing too.  I told my mom to take herself and learn how to speak Spanish then let me know how it went, and then I will think about it. I am not going to suddenly get some corporate liaison job because I speak Spanish. A slave who speaks Spanish is still a slave.  Just one who speaks two languages. When we talk about coins that can lift me, then we'll talk learning another language. Until then it's deadded. 

Most of the time when we talk something like this comes up , and it's always what I'm not doing right. That's why I don't want to talk to her.  When she had her time to teach and mold me, she had nothing to say. Literally nothing. She would go weeks without even looking at me much less speaking. Then when I left her house she had all this advice to give. Even well into my adulthood she wanted to advise me on my job situation. How I could do this or that better. It was really annoying then as it is now. No one knows how to get under your skin like your momz..

Flush today down the toilet.....

I went to my second day of training wanting to learn more about the job. My trainer is a young 20 something guy who is so ambitious it's quite unhealthy actually. The company runs on sheer greed. Today I hit a wall because they way he was explaining he wanted us to behave on the phone wasn't only disrespectful, it was illegal.  There is controlling a conversation, and there is calling someone out of the blue and being a dick to them on the phone and then forcing them to agree to an appointment whether they want it or not.  It's called slamming, and it's illegal to do to people. Of course for every appointment you make, you get commissions, but it's really not worth the headache. I don't have the brainspace to make 400 calls a day and maybe convert 10 or 15 of them. It's a bullshit way to spend a life. Regardless of how much money you make. I have never liked these sort of outgoing call centers that keep you on quotas or else they send you home or fire you. I knew I didn't want it, that I wouldn't like it but the desperation got the best of me and I hit my head again. My advisor at school calls me and tells me a major fashion company recruiter is coming to interview a bunch of people and how can I interview for a fashion job if I am working full time at this other place. I didn't want to miss out on a fashion job because of this place. The boiler room said we can't miss any days in our first 30 days or else we're terminated. So I was like SHIT!  I went to my supervisor at work (the ambitious guy) and when I tried to tell him I wanted out he kept telling me no. He was trying to sell me like I was on the phones, but I was like NO....this isn't for me. I did the paperwork and I pick up my measly check on Tuesday. I am still waiting to hear from the company I really WANT to work for. Pins and needles. 

I kicked it with my boy from school today after work. We went to in and out and ate and then to the park and chilled for hours and talked. It was good to chill with him. He's struggling like me, and living back with his mom at 36 with his 3 kids. It's driving him crazy. He can't have me just chilling at the house because it's her house. I don't envy that one bit. We're both at odds. But he drinks and gets high. He had the classic illustration how this shit robs you of your life. He went to his homies house to print out some stuff for an interview. They had to wait for some stuff to download. While they were waiting they decided to have beer. Then whiskey, alot of whiskey, then weed. He passed out at 4am, and missed his interview completely. He just lost his welding job too, and when his mom finds out she will lose it. She charges him rent and all for his bedroom. His kids are getting older and connecting the dots about his drug use which isn't a good thing. He knows, but getting clean is a whole other scenario. 

Dating site blow up

I log into POF again to see if anyone wrote to me. Again the same guy that always writes. Extremely over weight black man, wearing saggy clothes telling me how pretty I am. Facepalm*

Everyone has favorites lists on these sites. People you think you would like to date. I think of it like a man bank. I am saving up to date these guys, or even try and talk to them. Some of them I have and they ignored me. Which is par for the course. People contact us and we ignore them, we contact people and they ignore us. It's a cycle. All of the men on my list of course are not only easy on the eyes, but have decent profiles. We have stuff in common at least. Some of them are other races, which you never really know if they secretly will not date you because you aren't the same race as them. I guess white & Latino women are notorious for saying they don't date black guys. Because there are many times I will read a black man's profile and he will make some reference to it. The irony here is if I see a brotha who has some stuff on the ball, nice looking, decent body ( he doesn't have to be chiseled or anything, just not sloppy fat ) some education and culture, has read some books and may have a sense of adventure. I get crickets. I can't imagine they read my profile and then say 'nah this girl and I have nothing in common' because we do and that is why I wrote him in the first place. I sometimes they have categorically excluded their own kind from their dating repertoire. They are too good to date black women. Especially alt guys. They have spent most of their lives avoiding us, that when one of us comes into view they can't see us anymore. I have a suspicion my 3 year crush smokes weed after all. Even if he does work at a hospital. He's always posting about Colorado and how weed has stopped crime there. I full expect him to pick up and move there any day now. I am open to dating other races, but we have to be on the same page. I admit finding it difficult to be attracted to white guys because of all the shit I have been through. I think on some level I'd rather not. When I was in Washington that's all there was, but when it came down to it we had nothing in common. If I met a white dude I had a lot in common with I would most likely date him. It's weird how I feel silly perusing my own kind because at almost every turn there are road blocks. I never gave much thought to class ism. However as I get older I do see that there is a need for a certain class of man. However these are not the men that approach me on line or off. I have to get in their social orbit and meet them organically. I have a feeling starting my own business will help that. Going to black business owners meetings, and events. I have a lot of work to do to get the life I want.

lesigh*

Time for change

I guess my friends roommate moved out of the room and didn't tell anyone. She's glad because they didn't get along. There are only 5 people here now. But the house manager says there will be a push to 'fill the house' meaning my room too. My room is the smallest room, so to have two people in here will be a big pain in the ass. Especially if she is super sensitive, and figity, or God forbid mentally ill. We have had to be subject to that here a few times, and it is not fun AT ALL!  But now that I have this BS job I can move to the YMCA housing program. Over there there is no bible study, no classes you have to be in (that you do not need) and there is a gym and a pool. So instead of bible study I could be swimming or at the gym. Over there everyone has their own room too, with no threat of roommate. Only thing is if I am working it's $300. I am going to call them today to find out the skinny. It's time for me to leave here. In September it will be two years. People have stayed here 5 years, and I would shoot myself in the face if I had to do this three more years. Roommate or not. It's bad enough there is a curfew.  Of course ideally I would move out of here and into my own place. But this place when you are on GR which is $221 wants $200 of it. Over at the Y, they want $66. Which is fair. It leaves you money for the bus and sundries or a bill. If you work full time they want $435 a month.  The Y is $300. It's less and less headaches. Hopefully this job will A.) not be that bad and B.) Ill get a much better job this or next week.

Nail biting

I had my interview on last Tuesday and they said they would be making their decision the beginning of this week. It's Monday and I am bursting to know my fate. I can't take the pressure! I want to call and ask if I got the job. There were two jobs that had those super long applications on line with like 70 questions, and both never got my application. One is closed, the other said I could do it again. I have an interview to work in a phone room today, and another for an insurance company on Thursday. I don't want either of them. But they would most likely be the ones I would get hired for. I really wanted to move away from these jobs. But I am behind on rent, and running out of everything. My friend had been helping me a little each week with a weekly pass and my phone bill. But nothing else. I got a call for a job today that paid $16 an hour for data entry, but I would have to move from location to location to do it. Which means I would need a car. Many jobs you need a car for. I want to move out, but it seems like unless I have a car to get a decent job moving isn't even going to happen.  It seems like many jobs I would actually enjoy that are fashion related want you to have a car. 

Then I started thinking. I didn't come here to be an actress. But there are so many things I could be doing if I had an agent that would pay me, would be fun, and outside of the bullshit. I would need a car tho. Work the bullshit job to get a car, and some pictures done, and send them to agents. Work hard on getting my body looking good. I feel like I don't want to not be a part of another black biopic. James Brown, Jimi Hendrix, Nina Simone, and now Richard Pryor. I could be an extra. I am dreading working in a phone room for 8 hours a day. It's like being in hell. 

later---

I called a bullshit call center job, and they told me to come in for an interview. It was the way I thought it would be. 99% black and ratchet dressed in cheap off the rack office clothing. There is loud music playing and a team leader yelling over the music with a foam finger waving in the air. Every few minutes he yells out so and so made a deal! I was so tempted to just walk right back out. But I am bleeding money. They had me read a script and hired me on the spot. I start Wednesday.  I am depressed. I really want the job with the toy company. My advisor says wait for them to call. I really want them to call. The place I live wants me to work the front desk in the morning tomorrow, so no job hunting. It is crazy hot outside too. I mean like heat stroke hot. I don't have any light colored or white clothes to wear while beating the pavement either.  I may have a good long cry tonight.

Am I having a nightmare?

Trying to date is really not fun at all. I feel like I should just stop trying at this point. I feel like I need to shift gears and change direction so I can meet men that I would have things in common with, organically. I guess that 's all anyone really wants is to be around people that they click with and meet people the old fashioned way. I kind of got to the end of my rope when yet ANOTHER 60 year old man is e mailing me like were going to meet and go out. Yes on some level, I feel like a horrible person for having the reaction of 'ick' when this happens. These are not youthful looking men either. It's fine that I am not comfortable dating someone so much older than I am. I am well into my 40's but can walk amongst 30 somethings undetected. I always get into debates about my age when people find out. I don't lie about how old I am because I don't have the energy for it, but I am tempted to on line because I am tired of 60 year old men hitting me up like we are peers. 40 is the perfect age as far as relationship material goes. Having fun and going out can be in their 30's or late 20's but I can't see getting serious with a 28 year old, but I would never say never. 

There is the physical attraction aspect of meeting people. A wide range of men find me to be attractive, but I can't say the feeling is mutual 90% of the time. The other 10% is a hodge podge of men who are already in relationships, emotionally unavailable due to work schedules, financial problems, or the cinderella syndrome. As if they are walking around with this invisible glass slipper that they are trying to find the owner of. Meaning this perfect woman they have crafted and will not deviate from. Oh yeah and pot smokers. Sometimes they are broke, pot smoking, under employed cinderella chasers that if they would just grow the hell up I would deal with them. I watch the show undateable and almost can't laugh sometimes because it hits too close to the bone. I don't like feeling that I have to completely change who I am in order to be attractive to relationship oriented guys. Notice I didn't say 'hot guys'. Hot guys are overrated. A guy that is hot to me, won't be to the next girl. The things I find hot, most of the time aren't physical attributes. We all want an attractive mate, but can we handle all the baggage that comes along with that? I might say I have been avoiding that my whole life. Or when I did try, I was doing it all wrong. It's so ironic how when you are young, taught and beautiful you have no clue of what you are worth and most likely act like you aren't worth anything. When you figure it out when you are older, the struggle to be attractive by society's standards is real. Or you just don't care anymore and then you get what you get. 

Sex gets really complicated when you are of a certain age and single too. You want more of it, but if you get it and you aren't in  a  committed relationship you decrease your chances of being in one as a woman. It's the opposite for men. But as men age, they have to have money to get 20 year old girls to have meaningless sex with them. Getting sex isn't the problem. Getting meaningful, satisfying sex is. 

lesigh

Best day EVAR!

I got a call from this company that I love that I couldn't believe was hiring. This company was in my top ten of all time companies I would love to work for. It is a CSR position which is cool. It's a creative company that does what I want to do someday. Have my own handbag and t shirt line. They sell collectible toys too, and are very sought after. I was so happy I got an interview I was floating on air. I got there early and it was in an unmarked warehouse building in an industrial area sort of southwest. The interview was done by three people and it was a piece of cake because I was so excited it just flowed like nothing. The guys hiring me were much younger, tatted and whatnot. They third person was a very thin quiet Asian girl. We had a great time talking, and I even made them laugh a couple of times. It was the best interview of my entire life. I don't think I have ever interviewed with a company that I actually WANTED to work for ever. It's like I turned a corner. I left and I was FLYING!  My heart was racing! I was so blissfully happy. I crushed that interview. I felt like dancing. Really dancing!

I went to school to craft a thank you letter for them. I wanted to do an illustration to reflect the company aesthetic to go with it. But I struggled with the colors. I will finish it in the morning.

I feel renewed. I want to get this job!