This past week I felt like I was melting on the inside. I haven't been to the church (spiritual center ) in almost two months. I was starting to really feel it. Being stuck in dead church and dead boring ass naptime bible study was starting to make me to feel crazy.
I am over my roomate and her talking non stop about moving to the YMCA with her best friend Charla. Charla is a bully with two kids. Charla stole from her and she is too timid to confront her about it. She lied to my face about confronting her. Which is typical. When she has to do something hard she lies about it or avoids it. She hasn't stopped in a week talking about moving and how she can't wait to get out of here , how sick she is of this place, how she's going to have more freedom, and a gym and a later curfew blah blah blah on and on. I pointed out that there are other people here that want the same thing and it would be nice if she was more mindful of that. She had no clue what I was saying. I got to the point where I playfully told her she was becoming obnoxious. She is unable to hold a conversation without talking about moving. I am done. She's very immature, and I don't really have the brain space for it. She's 27 years old and has the mind of a 16 year old. I am trying to be around more mature sophisticated established people who can offer wisdom about my path in life. Not little kids who are just going to hide from life forever thinking that because they have $155 a month after their welfare check comes and they pay the $66 on their room that they are balling out of control. She will sit for the next 18 months, chatting on her phone watching TV and not looking for a job. I need more out of the people in my life than that. I am welcoming her departure on Friday. Maybe I will not be here when it happens. She she will move out and that will be that. She doesn't even speak to me now anyway so fuck her.
I liked riding the bus again to my church. I missed it. Except when I got on the second bus a homeless man in a wheelchair got on who smelled like hot garbage and stunk up the whole bus so bad everyone had to hold something over their face to avoid the smell. Even with all the windows open it still smelled. Hell, someone lit a cigarette in the back of the bus and smoked it openly and it smelled better than the gross funk. The bus driver just let it happen. It was that bad. I got the the center and it was packed. It's like walking into a movie theater after the movie starts, and you can't see anything till your eyes adjust. I stood by the wall to wait for them to adjust to the dim light. The pastor said, "Get ya back up off the wall." Everyone laughed. I sqoze into a seat in the back. I hoped not to be trapped by a fussy baby. I felt relieved to be there. I felt my anger melting away. The theme was re-calibration. Which is what I felt I needed to do. To get back to my base setting of happiness and joy. I really felt great sitting there listening. As people were leaving slowly after the collection I noticed some sun glasses on the floor in front of me. I asked the lady in front of me if they were hers. she said no. They were kind of nice so I kept them. Then it was the pastors birthday so the youth wanted to do a performance for him of his song 'Adventure in Paradise' but it was the EDM remix so it was really high energy and everyone was dancing. Then after there was a big dance in the parking lot. It was really beautiful. I went to the bulletin board to see if there was anything juicy there. There was a beverly hills salon looking for a receptionist. I thought wouldn't it be funny if this was The Kimble salon? It said specifically a hair augmentation bar. But the posting was up June 4th. A long time ago. There were some rooms for rent that were affordable, but I am leery of moving in with strangers. I can't live with pot smokers. I won't. My energy will go into my own place. I got prayer from a practitioner after the service and I cried and smeared my makeup. I tried to fix my face a bit, but opted to put my new shades on. I felt cleansed after. I got some fliers for some meetings during the week, so I can keep my momentum flowing. After talking to my mom and having hatred return, I had to do something.
I found out my old roomate from Ft Lauderdale started a t shirt line, and it's awful. I mean everyone has a t shirt line but me. I have to get on the ball and start moving in that direction. I think it will make me feel like I am progressing if I start putting together a business plan and attending meetings on how to start a small business. I really would rather not spend the next 4 years working for someone else. I wish my grandad was still alive. He owned his own business and was his own boss early in the game. He would understand what I want and support me. I want to be in the room with movers and shakers. People who make other people money and are good at it and are so rich they don't care if you know what they know or not. My life is the opposite of that.
I have to get serious about this path and act like a star, and own it.
Adventures in Paradise- Michael Bernard Beckwith
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