It rained a few nights ago. It was unexpected, but the rub is the room where I sleep leaks at the window. So not only does the curtain get wet, but my dresser and anything on it, water has warped the wall under the window. If it rains a long time water will seep all the way into the corner of the room and get everything I have stacked there wet. Not to mention this causes things to mold. Mold causes sinus infections. I can't wait to leave this place.
My friend who lived here couldn't take anymore and left to live with a friend from school. Another friend was tired of trying to find work and went back to her old job in Arizona. I got a tiny raise at work. So I am not quite making minimum wage, but I don't care. I love my job. I can catch up on all those albums I've been meaning to sample while I am working. By no means is my life in order or perfect. But I love my life right now.
Looking forward to having my own apartment again. I have found many options in Hollywood. I don't want to leave Hollywood. I really feel good there. Downtown is okay as long as it's Korea town or little Toyko, or arts district.
I have to start creating things again. I have a studio at my disposal, so I want to get some creative stuff happening. I want to change my style a bit. I feel like when I open my closet it could be circus stuff because of all the prints and colors. I want to have some simple pieces to supplement with. Some things I made, just don't appeal to me anymore. I feel stupid wearing them. Like a straight clown. I need blouses that are flattering. Skirts that are feminine, and nice shoes. I hate all my shoes. Cheap $10 shoes need to be thrown away and replaced with real stuff. Nice quality stuff.
I have a big crush on my movie meetup partner. But I have a feeling that would never go anywhere, so I will keep it a crush.
I'm really tired by the time I make the hour and a half bus ride home. I have zero energy for anything. I would like that to change.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Bill Cosby Gate
Months have passed since we first heard about the line of accusers, saying that Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. This week Damon Wayans says that, Bill had relationships with all of these women and suddenly because Bill can no longer get it up, then suddenly these women cry rape.
Have you not heard of Viagra Damon?
People are astounded by the number of women coming forward. It's hard to believe that he somehow got away with doing this to so many women. Why didn't anyone step up till now?
Bill Cosby is one of the most powerful entertainers in Hollywood, and has been since the 1960's. Beyond famous with a squeaky clean reputation. You didn't hear about Bill tearing through Hollywood in a drunken rage, brawling at bars, doing cocaine and whatnot. He had a wife and a house full of kids and an incredible work ethic and was liked by many power players in the game. I could see how an up and coming actor or actress would think the right recommendation from Bill would catapult their career into the stratosphere.
Say you are out at a function, a meet and greet with the whose who of the business. Bill Cosby and his wife are there. Someone you know introduces you to Bill and Camille, and you chat for a while. He's funny and nice. He asks you questions about what you want for your career. He seems genuinely interested in what you have to say. He tells you he knows people and can get you in wherever you wish. Let's just talk about it a little more this weekend at my dinner party at my home. Camille may chime in that they would love to have you there. You think, cool. Dinner with the Cosbys!
The day comes, and you get to the house. Camille greets you and takes you into the house. There may or may not be a friend or two there as well having a drink and talking. Dinner is served you eat and talk and have a great time. Everything is going great. Then dinner is over. The other friends have to run, so it's just you Bill and his wife. Then the next thing you know the wife is yawing and excusing herself to go to bed. You think well if your hostess is tired then you should be a good guest and excuse yourself. Bill thinks no such thing. It's early, lets just talk some more about your career have a drink. Relax, you don't have to leave yet.
Here's where it gets tricky.....
As a woman, do you risk INSULTING ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN HOLLYWOOD by insisting you have to go? What will happen to your career after that? Will I be blackballed from the industry? Bill is a nice man, he would never do that...or would he?
Your mind is racing. Well he's a married man. His wife is upstairs, nothing would ever happen. I am perfectly safe. He's been a gentleman since we met at the party. Besides maybe he has some really important advice for me.
You rationalize being alone with a man you barely know.
It's Bill Cosby. He's a gentleman. A family man. A married man. I will be okay.
He pours you a drink. He sits down on the same sofa as you, and you start chatting about goals. You start to feel sleepy... You are a little embarrassed that you are so tired suddenly, so you try and wave it off....
The screen goes black.
When you wake up, you know something isn't right. Your clothes are gone, and you are in the guest room. Who undressed you?! You panic a bit. You feel that you have had sex. You have marks on your body, you are confused. You are still in the Cosby's home. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Did we have sex? I couldn't have had sex with him, I don't remember it. I have clearly had sex though. Did I have sex with Bill Cosby?
Your mind is racing.
WAS I RAPED BY BILL COSBY ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN HOLLYWOOD?
If I was and I tell anyone, they won't believe me. He's a family man, he's married and has a squeaky clean reputation! He's not some drunken bar brawling coke fiend. He is a gentleman. YOU ARE A LYING NOBODY!
Ill have to go back to bumblefuk wherever I am from. I'll never be famous. Everyone in bumblefuk will say we told you you didn't have what it took.
DID I HAVE SEX WITH BILL COSBY?!?!?!?!?!?
If I did, will he help me?
You see him the next morning, and everything is fine. He told his wife you had too much to drink and he didn't want you to drive, so it was late so you just crashed in the guest room.
Camille smiles and greets you and invites you to sit and eat.
You are trying to behave graciously, even though you want to blurt out 'DID WE HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT?' You keep your mouth shut.
THE RAMIFICATIONS OF EVEN ASKING COULD BE TOO GREAT. Asking Bill himself if he had sex with my unconscious body? AWKWARD! I could risk offending him ever MORE than I would have if I would have just declined the invitation to stay after dinner last night. He seems fine. Not different. He wouldn't do that to me, would he? I know my body. I know when I have had sex.
There isn't anything I can do about it that won't result in me BEING LAUGHED OR CHASED OUT OF THIS TOWN.
HE IS POWERFUL. He can have me erased if he wanted to.
I have to keep this to myself.
I still need his help. But I'm not going to be as bold as to say 'Bill will you introduce me to so and so.' Then I would be an opportunist. He seems like he's interested in my career. I think he is. I don't know anymore.
You get dressed and say good bye, and go back to your crappy west hollywood apartment. A few days later the phone rings, and it's Bill. He says he's having another party, and this time some really heavy hitting directors will be there. He asks if you would like to come. You of course say yes.
There may or may not be directors there. You might talk to someone who could change your whole life. They asked if you would like to test for a role in their next movie. YES! The night is great. People start thinning out again. You want to go too. But Bill says the director had some notes about your appearance you had to handle before your test. You better stay behind so you can 'talk about them'. He pours your drink again......
People wondered how it could have gone down.
I just told you.
If it was a 'relationship' Mr. Wayans, it was a coercive one.
Have you not heard of Viagra Damon?
People are astounded by the number of women coming forward. It's hard to believe that he somehow got away with doing this to so many women. Why didn't anyone step up till now?
Bill Cosby is one of the most powerful entertainers in Hollywood, and has been since the 1960's. Beyond famous with a squeaky clean reputation. You didn't hear about Bill tearing through Hollywood in a drunken rage, brawling at bars, doing cocaine and whatnot. He had a wife and a house full of kids and an incredible work ethic and was liked by many power players in the game. I could see how an up and coming actor or actress would think the right recommendation from Bill would catapult their career into the stratosphere.
Say you are out at a function, a meet and greet with the whose who of the business. Bill Cosby and his wife are there. Someone you know introduces you to Bill and Camille, and you chat for a while. He's funny and nice. He asks you questions about what you want for your career. He seems genuinely interested in what you have to say. He tells you he knows people and can get you in wherever you wish. Let's just talk about it a little more this weekend at my dinner party at my home. Camille may chime in that they would love to have you there. You think, cool. Dinner with the Cosbys!
The day comes, and you get to the house. Camille greets you and takes you into the house. There may or may not be a friend or two there as well having a drink and talking. Dinner is served you eat and talk and have a great time. Everything is going great. Then dinner is over. The other friends have to run, so it's just you Bill and his wife. Then the next thing you know the wife is yawing and excusing herself to go to bed. You think well if your hostess is tired then you should be a good guest and excuse yourself. Bill thinks no such thing. It's early, lets just talk some more about your career have a drink. Relax, you don't have to leave yet.
Here's where it gets tricky.....
As a woman, do you risk INSULTING ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN HOLLYWOOD by insisting you have to go? What will happen to your career after that? Will I be blackballed from the industry? Bill is a nice man, he would never do that...or would he?
Your mind is racing. Well he's a married man. His wife is upstairs, nothing would ever happen. I am perfectly safe. He's been a gentleman since we met at the party. Besides maybe he has some really important advice for me.
You rationalize being alone with a man you barely know.
It's Bill Cosby. He's a gentleman. A family man. A married man. I will be okay.
He pours you a drink. He sits down on the same sofa as you, and you start chatting about goals. You start to feel sleepy... You are a little embarrassed that you are so tired suddenly, so you try and wave it off....
The screen goes black.
When you wake up, you know something isn't right. Your clothes are gone, and you are in the guest room. Who undressed you?! You panic a bit. You feel that you have had sex. You have marks on your body, you are confused. You are still in the Cosby's home. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Did we have sex? I couldn't have had sex with him, I don't remember it. I have clearly had sex though. Did I have sex with Bill Cosby?
Your mind is racing.
WAS I RAPED BY BILL COSBY ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN HOLLYWOOD?
If I was and I tell anyone, they won't believe me. He's a family man, he's married and has a squeaky clean reputation! He's not some drunken bar brawling coke fiend. He is a gentleman. YOU ARE A LYING NOBODY!
Ill have to go back to bumblefuk wherever I am from. I'll never be famous. Everyone in bumblefuk will say we told you you didn't have what it took.
DID I HAVE SEX WITH BILL COSBY?!?!?!?!?!?
If I did, will he help me?
You see him the next morning, and everything is fine. He told his wife you had too much to drink and he didn't want you to drive, so it was late so you just crashed in the guest room.
Camille smiles and greets you and invites you to sit and eat.
You are trying to behave graciously, even though you want to blurt out 'DID WE HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT?' You keep your mouth shut.
THE RAMIFICATIONS OF EVEN ASKING COULD BE TOO GREAT. Asking Bill himself if he had sex with my unconscious body? AWKWARD! I could risk offending him ever MORE than I would have if I would have just declined the invitation to stay after dinner last night. He seems fine. Not different. He wouldn't do that to me, would he? I know my body. I know when I have had sex.
There isn't anything I can do about it that won't result in me BEING LAUGHED OR CHASED OUT OF THIS TOWN.
HE IS POWERFUL. He can have me erased if he wanted to.
I have to keep this to myself.
I still need his help. But I'm not going to be as bold as to say 'Bill will you introduce me to so and so.' Then I would be an opportunist. He seems like he's interested in my career. I think he is. I don't know anymore.
You get dressed and say good bye, and go back to your crappy west hollywood apartment. A few days later the phone rings, and it's Bill. He says he's having another party, and this time some really heavy hitting directors will be there. He asks if you would like to come. You of course say yes.
There may or may not be directors there. You might talk to someone who could change your whole life. They asked if you would like to test for a role in their next movie. YES! The night is great. People start thinning out again. You want to go too. But Bill says the director had some notes about your appearance you had to handle before your test. You better stay behind so you can 'talk about them'. He pours your drink again......
People wondered how it could have gone down.
I just told you.
If it was a 'relationship' Mr. Wayans, it was a coercive one.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Today's SOC rant.
You people are unreal. Tell me one biopic that tells every single thing about an artist. Movies are only so long, you can't talk about everything or we'd be in the theater for 5 and 6 hours at a time. It's really petty that you can sit and watch a great film about a group that rocked the world to it's core, but then say 'well it's not perfect because they didn't show dre beating women'. ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS? Then when he says he's sorry it's not enough. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. The film had a goal, and it met that goal. If you start going into one members personal life, then the other members are like 'so this is a movie about DRE huh?' and you got people salty and production held up, and the movie takes 6 years to get made because the script spent too much time on one member and not the others. It was a collective. They did a great job of keeping the story even and focused on the music. But yall aren't screenwriters or producers so you wouldn't understand the importance of that.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
I love my job..
No I really do. It's weird to feel happy to go to work. The shop is super hot but I don't care. I have a fashion job, working for the coolest chick ever. I love her clothes too. I have potential to move up in the company too because it's still small. I am willing to work hard and make things happen for the label.
We are still getting organized, and trying to create a work flow that is smooth and effective. However lately post offices have been out of supplies we need for shipping. So today after packaging orders in the cellophane we had to schlep them to the post office in a bag and pack them there. It was very time consuming. Afterward we are walking through little Tokyo and Knox (my boss) decides to do a freestyle rap about how tired we are as we walk. She includes me in the video and I am walking behind her. I see the video later and I don't even recognize the person in the video behind her as me. WHAT THE HELL! I don't usually wear makeup to work because A.) it's hot as hell in there and all I do is sweat. and B.) I'm on a tight budget anyway, so I don't want to waste it. But I was okay with being on film with no makeup. My hair is horrible right now. Plus my weight is out of control. I was mortified. It's weird to be so happy with who you are as a person, but see yourself second hand and really be disappointed with what you see. I can't really wrap my head around it. But I get why some guys seem so disappointed to meet me in person, if this is what they see too.
I have a ton of work to do on myself as far as my weight. I started taking raspberry keytones again. I bought two bottles a few months ago and took them and they worked. Pants I couldn't wear fit great. But I ran out of money so I gained the weight back. The sort of annoying thing is when I start to lose weight I lose it in useless places like my underarms, or the creases by my thighs. I get these calcium knots there that fill with fluid because of the suddenly loose skin plus friction. There is one way up on my inner thigh that is huge and won't budge. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just this big marble sized lump full of gunk. I notice more cellulite forming, which is bad because it's cellulite. Good because it shows my body is changing.
Now that I get paid every week. I can get two bottles every week so I never run out for the time being. When I get some REAL money flowing, I will step up my regimen. I have been living on junk food. I know I have. Pizza, burgers and hot dogs oh my.
I am crazy exhausted when I get off work so I go and pick something up. The pizza place on the corner gives you a medium pizza for $7 with 6 toppings. I get one and eat off of it for a couple of days. Making it to the grocery store after a long hot day, and an hour and a half bus ride is out of the question. I really need to be cleansing hard core. But the idea of not eating doesn't appeal to me in the least. I think juice plus fruit and raw veggies and some REAL exercise regularly would help. I got my grokker site saved on my computer. Think about getting back on daily burn too. Changing by myself is hard. But it has to be done. Working where I work is inspiring. Everyone is super young, so they have yet to experience their bodies changing as they get older. But the clothes, and sneakers, I want them. I dream about them. I want to look good in them. I want to be able to roll with the crew and look fly too. Everyone of course thinks I am 30 anyway. If I lost 100 lbs, I would be in there. It's all happening. I just have to get serious.
We are still getting organized, and trying to create a work flow that is smooth and effective. However lately post offices have been out of supplies we need for shipping. So today after packaging orders in the cellophane we had to schlep them to the post office in a bag and pack them there. It was very time consuming. Afterward we are walking through little Tokyo and Knox (my boss) decides to do a freestyle rap about how tired we are as we walk. She includes me in the video and I am walking behind her. I see the video later and I don't even recognize the person in the video behind her as me. WHAT THE HELL! I don't usually wear makeup to work because A.) it's hot as hell in there and all I do is sweat. and B.) I'm on a tight budget anyway, so I don't want to waste it. But I was okay with being on film with no makeup. My hair is horrible right now. Plus my weight is out of control. I was mortified. It's weird to be so happy with who you are as a person, but see yourself second hand and really be disappointed with what you see. I can't really wrap my head around it. But I get why some guys seem so disappointed to meet me in person, if this is what they see too.
I have a ton of work to do on myself as far as my weight. I started taking raspberry keytones again. I bought two bottles a few months ago and took them and they worked. Pants I couldn't wear fit great. But I ran out of money so I gained the weight back. The sort of annoying thing is when I start to lose weight I lose it in useless places like my underarms, or the creases by my thighs. I get these calcium knots there that fill with fluid because of the suddenly loose skin plus friction. There is one way up on my inner thigh that is huge and won't budge. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just this big marble sized lump full of gunk. I notice more cellulite forming, which is bad because it's cellulite. Good because it shows my body is changing.
Now that I get paid every week. I can get two bottles every week so I never run out for the time being. When I get some REAL money flowing, I will step up my regimen. I have been living on junk food. I know I have. Pizza, burgers and hot dogs oh my.
I am crazy exhausted when I get off work so I go and pick something up. The pizza place on the corner gives you a medium pizza for $7 with 6 toppings. I get one and eat off of it for a couple of days. Making it to the grocery store after a long hot day, and an hour and a half bus ride is out of the question. I really need to be cleansing hard core. But the idea of not eating doesn't appeal to me in the least. I think juice plus fruit and raw veggies and some REAL exercise regularly would help. I got my grokker site saved on my computer. Think about getting back on daily burn too. Changing by myself is hard. But it has to be done. Working where I work is inspiring. Everyone is super young, so they have yet to experience their bodies changing as they get older. But the clothes, and sneakers, I want them. I dream about them. I want to look good in them. I want to be able to roll with the crew and look fly too. Everyone of course thinks I am 30 anyway. If I lost 100 lbs, I would be in there. It's all happening. I just have to get serious.
Enough is enough...
The housing issue has about a 87 day clock on it.
A friend who used to live here contacted me to say the women's house that she manages has a women and children's house that needs a manager. The rent would be free and they would pay my phone bill. I would still have my own room, and only two women with their children would live there when the time came. I would be there alone till that happened. The house is further south, kind of in the hood. But it could be a temporary solution for now. She told me to come down Tuesday afternoon and meet with the director.
I went down and the whole story changed. There is a manager there, and they are 'seeing if she works out' for the next 60 days, so then I would have to move into the program as a resident? Into a small room with two other women and a tiny closet. They don't have a storage shed in back, so I would have to store my stuff. I share a storage with some friends, but I don't have the code. My friend does, and her father and last living parent just passed away and she is grieving right now. I don't want to bother her. The last thing I want is to go back into a program, and start at the beginning. Being on restriction for a month, can't go to my own church for a month? The house is a two story house, it made me feel claustrophobic. I had no intention of being in the program, just managing. No intention of paying them rent to be crammed in a room with two other women. THIS PART OF MY LIFE NEEDS TO END. I pretended I was going to move in in a week. I'm doing no such thing. It's time for me to be on my own. Even if I have to rent a room someplace else. As long as there is a lock on the door, and no convicts living there or drug addicts. But I can do much better than that.
My on line businesses are all set to launch in the next week to 10 days. It would be amazing for all of that to finally move into place.
Each morning where I live we have morning devotions. We read from the bible and a small book about women of the bible. As we all know all the women in the bible were treated like garbage. I get so burned out on the whole 'she was so beautiful that so and so had to have her.' The patriarchal choke hold on women gets old real quick. We had a Wednesday night bible study for a month about Esther, and the queen before her caught hell for not traipsing through the castle naked at the drunken kings request. (eyeroll) This king calls all the pretty girls from the kingdom in to find a new queen and has sex with all of them, ruining their lives because they are no longer virgins, so then they have to live in the palace as his concubines for the rest of their lives. I CANT DEAL WITH THIS SHIT DAY IN AND DAY OUT!
So yesterday morning we read about Bathsheeba who was raped by king David, and her husband murdered by him to cover up that he got her pregnant.
Today was Tamar, David's daughter who was lusted after by her half brother. He talks about being in love with her. But he rapes her, then decides after that he hates her and has her thrown into the streets to be humiliated for having been raped. Her other brothers demand their father do something. But since David himself is a rapist, he does nothing. A couple of years go by and the other brothers murder him to avenge Tamar. But Tamar's life is over because she isn't a virgin..
ENOUGH!!!!!!
I don't need to wake up in the morning and read this shit! I can't take anymore of this! This isn't edifying to my spirit! This isn't uplifting to me as a woman. We all know what is in the bible, going over and over and over this stuff does not make me feel great. I don't need to go over with a fine tooth comb the rapes and patriarchy. I am tired of reading it. So we had the Tamar story in the bible, then we were supposed to open the small book and READ THE STORY A SECOND TIME! I put my foot down. I said I'm not reading that a second time. Once was enough. The manager was like 'Yes we do.' I insisted I be excused.
Of course this had to go up to the pastors. But, much to my surprise, they agreed with me. So the morning devotions will change. But that's beside the point.
ITS TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE THIS PLACE!
A friend who used to live here contacted me to say the women's house that she manages has a women and children's house that needs a manager. The rent would be free and they would pay my phone bill. I would still have my own room, and only two women with their children would live there when the time came. I would be there alone till that happened. The house is further south, kind of in the hood. But it could be a temporary solution for now. She told me to come down Tuesday afternoon and meet with the director.
I went down and the whole story changed. There is a manager there, and they are 'seeing if she works out' for the next 60 days, so then I would have to move into the program as a resident? Into a small room with two other women and a tiny closet. They don't have a storage shed in back, so I would have to store my stuff. I share a storage with some friends, but I don't have the code. My friend does, and her father and last living parent just passed away and she is grieving right now. I don't want to bother her. The last thing I want is to go back into a program, and start at the beginning. Being on restriction for a month, can't go to my own church for a month? The house is a two story house, it made me feel claustrophobic. I had no intention of being in the program, just managing. No intention of paying them rent to be crammed in a room with two other women. THIS PART OF MY LIFE NEEDS TO END. I pretended I was going to move in in a week. I'm doing no such thing. It's time for me to be on my own. Even if I have to rent a room someplace else. As long as there is a lock on the door, and no convicts living there or drug addicts. But I can do much better than that.
My on line businesses are all set to launch in the next week to 10 days. It would be amazing for all of that to finally move into place.
Each morning where I live we have morning devotions. We read from the bible and a small book about women of the bible. As we all know all the women in the bible were treated like garbage. I get so burned out on the whole 'she was so beautiful that so and so had to have her.' The patriarchal choke hold on women gets old real quick. We had a Wednesday night bible study for a month about Esther, and the queen before her caught hell for not traipsing through the castle naked at the drunken kings request. (eyeroll) This king calls all the pretty girls from the kingdom in to find a new queen and has sex with all of them, ruining their lives because they are no longer virgins, so then they have to live in the palace as his concubines for the rest of their lives. I CANT DEAL WITH THIS SHIT DAY IN AND DAY OUT!
So yesterday morning we read about Bathsheeba who was raped by king David, and her husband murdered by him to cover up that he got her pregnant.
Today was Tamar, David's daughter who was lusted after by her half brother. He talks about being in love with her. But he rapes her, then decides after that he hates her and has her thrown into the streets to be humiliated for having been raped. Her other brothers demand their father do something. But since David himself is a rapist, he does nothing. A couple of years go by and the other brothers murder him to avenge Tamar. But Tamar's life is over because she isn't a virgin..
ENOUGH!!!!!!
I don't need to wake up in the morning and read this shit! I can't take anymore of this! This isn't edifying to my spirit! This isn't uplifting to me as a woman. We all know what is in the bible, going over and over and over this stuff does not make me feel great. I don't need to go over with a fine tooth comb the rapes and patriarchy. I am tired of reading it. So we had the Tamar story in the bible, then we were supposed to open the small book and READ THE STORY A SECOND TIME! I put my foot down. I said I'm not reading that a second time. Once was enough. The manager was like 'Yes we do.' I insisted I be excused.
Of course this had to go up to the pastors. But, much to my surprise, they agreed with me. So the morning devotions will change. But that's beside the point.
ITS TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE THIS PLACE!
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Strugglefunk 2015
As you know it's been a struggle to get life to move in a direction.
I was ordered to get back on welfare if I was going to keep my housing and not have a job. I would get a little over $200 a month to live on. All of which goes to renting my room. I was supposed to get it within 30 days of applying. I did so on the 5th of the month. The 5th is my regular disbursement day. I would jump on line to check the balance. Which was always zero. Even on the 6th of the month. The phone system was being annoying and trapping me in a loop and not telling me my balance. After sitting on the phone and redialing about 30 times I finally got my balance. It was $400. So I go to the cash machine to take it out, it says 'unauthorized use'. WHAT? I called the hotline and explained what happened, and they said I had to go to the office and have them 'unblock' my card. UGH! I hate going there. The office is right off skid row. So the smell most of the time is terrible. On hot days it's even worse. This day was a hot day. I had to get mentally prepared.
I got there and the line was of course extremely long. I was supposed to ask the cashier to unblock it for me. The cashier line is always short. One person maybe. But the customer service line was LONG! The cashier tells me he can't do it. Customer service has to. So I have to stand in the long ass line. I get in line, so far so good. THEN.........
The worst smell ever creeps up behind me. Imagine, spoiled milk, beer, ass and armpit funk. I was gagging. I had to cover my face with my jacket and breathe through my mouth. Then the funk got stuck in my mouth! I came up with this solution for moments like this when I can't swallow. I have a bottle of aspirin in my purse. I dump the pills in a side pouch and then spit into the bottle. It took an hour to get to the window. Once I did it took 30 seconds to unblock the card.
I need to be rich so I don't have to smell anything like that ever again. So I don't have to set foot in an aide office again.
I got an assistant job in a design studio. This girl I went to school with in Florida started a fashion company and it's gaining momentum. I'm not going to be making any money hardly. Just enough so I can invest in my on line stuff and grow that. And get little stuff I need. Hair nails, movies. Phone bill.
On the way to my first day of work I am on the bus and a homeless man gets on. He walks past and the smell is back. He smells like he slept in a dumpster full of rotten meat. Everyone claps a hand over their faces. I am gagging again. I just ate breakfast! Luckily there is another bus on the road going to the same stop. I hop off and get on it to escape the smell.
I have to get money so I can get a car and not be subjected to this bullshit anymore. It's over.
I was ordered to get back on welfare if I was going to keep my housing and not have a job. I would get a little over $200 a month to live on. All of which goes to renting my room. I was supposed to get it within 30 days of applying. I did so on the 5th of the month. The 5th is my regular disbursement day. I would jump on line to check the balance. Which was always zero. Even on the 6th of the month. The phone system was being annoying and trapping me in a loop and not telling me my balance. After sitting on the phone and redialing about 30 times I finally got my balance. It was $400. So I go to the cash machine to take it out, it says 'unauthorized use'. WHAT? I called the hotline and explained what happened, and they said I had to go to the office and have them 'unblock' my card. UGH! I hate going there. The office is right off skid row. So the smell most of the time is terrible. On hot days it's even worse. This day was a hot day. I had to get mentally prepared.
I got there and the line was of course extremely long. I was supposed to ask the cashier to unblock it for me. The cashier line is always short. One person maybe. But the customer service line was LONG! The cashier tells me he can't do it. Customer service has to. So I have to stand in the long ass line. I get in line, so far so good. THEN.........
The worst smell ever creeps up behind me. Imagine, spoiled milk, beer, ass and armpit funk. I was gagging. I had to cover my face with my jacket and breathe through my mouth. Then the funk got stuck in my mouth! I came up with this solution for moments like this when I can't swallow. I have a bottle of aspirin in my purse. I dump the pills in a side pouch and then spit into the bottle. It took an hour to get to the window. Once I did it took 30 seconds to unblock the card.
I need to be rich so I don't have to smell anything like that ever again. So I don't have to set foot in an aide office again.
I got an assistant job in a design studio. This girl I went to school with in Florida started a fashion company and it's gaining momentum. I'm not going to be making any money hardly. Just enough so I can invest in my on line stuff and grow that. And get little stuff I need. Hair nails, movies. Phone bill.
On the way to my first day of work I am on the bus and a homeless man gets on. He walks past and the smell is back. He smells like he slept in a dumpster full of rotten meat. Everyone claps a hand over their faces. I am gagging again. I just ate breakfast! Luckily there is another bus on the road going to the same stop. I hop off and get on it to escape the smell.
I have to get money so I can get a car and not be subjected to this bullshit anymore. It's over.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Independence Day
Here it is Saturday the 4th of July. Mind you the 4 years I have been here, I have done nothing on the holiday. I have yet to go see the fireworks happen on the day. It's usually brutally hot, and I usually don't have access to a car so wandering around doesn't sound fun.
It's one of the roomies birthdays so she wants to go out. I don't. Mostly because I am not in a lets go have fun mood.
1. I have had foot pain the past week that just subsided, walking around will most likely bring it back. I went to the doctor who put in a prescription for insoles that I am supposed to pick up. I can't reach them to find out if they are ready or not.
2. I have about $3 to my name. I should save that for milk and bread.
3. It's hell fire hot out.
4. She wants to go to the anime festival, and I am not much into anime.
5. I just want to hang out at home, till dusk, then take the bus to the park and back. Done.
It's one of the roomies birthdays so she wants to go out. I don't. Mostly because I am not in a lets go have fun mood.
1. I have had foot pain the past week that just subsided, walking around will most likely bring it back. I went to the doctor who put in a prescription for insoles that I am supposed to pick up. I can't reach them to find out if they are ready or not.
2. I have about $3 to my name. I should save that for milk and bread.
3. It's hell fire hot out.
4. She wants to go to the anime festival, and I am not much into anime.
5. I just want to hang out at home, till dusk, then take the bus to the park and back. Done.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
.....Father's Day again
It's a hot day already and it's not even noon. It's father's day and on FB everyone is saying happy father's day to all the guys with kids and dads. People are posting pictures of their father's and writing these long paragraphs about how much they love him. Only one friend had a similar experience to mine. He said that his father was absentee and his step father was like having a bully living in the home. He said so Lou Reed is my daddy today.
My relationships with both my parents are non existent to say the least. I can't even pick up the phone and call today and say happy father's day. It would be disingenuous. You call because you love your dad. You appreciate your dad. I don't know how I feel about him, and appreciating him is not something I can say definitively. There are things I appreciate about him. But overall he didn't really make the right choices. He chose not to be in my life because his wife didn't want him to be and he went along with it. How do you celebrate a man who did this? I don't. I don't hate him, I just don't have warm fuzzy feelings for him. There will come a time when I will go to Texas and see him face to face. One of the reasons I am working so hard to get free financially. One of the main reasons I haven't seen any of my family for decades is money. I couldn't afford to go anywhere. Or I would have to work over the holidays anyway. But all this has changed.
My father has been bed ridden since 2007, after his heart attack. He is unable to drive a car, or stand by himself. He slurs when he speaks. It makes me sad that this happened to him. It makes me feel like he doesn't have much time left on earth. I dread finding out on FB that he has died. I don't want that.
For two decades when I called his house when I didn't get the answering machine, if someone answered the phone and found it was me on the line, they hung up in my face. This went on for 20 years. Then one day my dad answered the phone, and I spoke to him. I was in that nasty hotel in Florida and needed money. He sent his uncle over to see me, to make sure I wasn't on crack. I would go to stay at a Christian shelter, and he'd fedex some cash to me, and someone stole it. I got an empty envelope that had clearly been retaped shut at the bottom. When I told him this, at first I could tell he was suspicious. But as the conversation went on he could tell I wasn't lying. He realized he had put the money in while in the post office. Someone that worked there may have seen him do it and taken it. That was before his heart attack.
Father's day and Mother's day have always been nothing days for me because of who my parents are. I would like to be able to celebrate them before they leave this plane.
My relationships with both my parents are non existent to say the least. I can't even pick up the phone and call today and say happy father's day. It would be disingenuous. You call because you love your dad. You appreciate your dad. I don't know how I feel about him, and appreciating him is not something I can say definitively. There are things I appreciate about him. But overall he didn't really make the right choices. He chose not to be in my life because his wife didn't want him to be and he went along with it. How do you celebrate a man who did this? I don't. I don't hate him, I just don't have warm fuzzy feelings for him. There will come a time when I will go to Texas and see him face to face. One of the reasons I am working so hard to get free financially. One of the main reasons I haven't seen any of my family for decades is money. I couldn't afford to go anywhere. Or I would have to work over the holidays anyway. But all this has changed.
My father has been bed ridden since 2007, after his heart attack. He is unable to drive a car, or stand by himself. He slurs when he speaks. It makes me sad that this happened to him. It makes me feel like he doesn't have much time left on earth. I dread finding out on FB that he has died. I don't want that.
For two decades when I called his house when I didn't get the answering machine, if someone answered the phone and found it was me on the line, they hung up in my face. This went on for 20 years. Then one day my dad answered the phone, and I spoke to him. I was in that nasty hotel in Florida and needed money. He sent his uncle over to see me, to make sure I wasn't on crack. I would go to stay at a Christian shelter, and he'd fedex some cash to me, and someone stole it. I got an empty envelope that had clearly been retaped shut at the bottom. When I told him this, at first I could tell he was suspicious. But as the conversation went on he could tell I wasn't lying. He realized he had put the money in while in the post office. Someone that worked there may have seen him do it and taken it. That was before his heart attack.
Father's day and Mother's day have always been nothing days for me because of who my parents are. I would like to be able to celebrate them before they leave this plane.
Friday, June 12, 2015
...running on fumes and waiting.
Spent all last week running from office to office doing paperwork. Really time consuming stuff. I hate the aid office because of the hopeless angry smelly air there. I leave with a stack of papers, and score a free phone on my way out two times. So I have a way to contact people in the meantime.
Labor ready texts but the one job I could do I didn't find out about till 30 minutes before. I wouldn't mind spending an afternoon at the convention center and getting paid for it. I'm ironically running out of everything and no cash in sight.
The $18,000 matrix keeps coming up with new things every day. People are getting restless and wondering when the money happens. There are no concrete answers, so of course people are getting pissed. The company is encouraging people to be patient and hang in there. It's just around the corner they say. Well it's been 5 weeks. When! My account is negative, let's get it going.
I got up early to go to the Jewish food pantry. They don't start seeing people till 10 but people start lining up at 6am. I got there around 8. The weather has been grey and sprinkling for days. Like being back in Seattle. I noticed an attractive man up toward the front of the line. I realized it was this guy I have seen around Hollywood for a couple of years. He always dresses very dapper. Sort of 1940s. Always is matching perfectly. Tall, striking features. But today he was in a sweatsuit and sneakers so I didn't make the connection right away. Whenever I see him my heart races. He looks at me and I look at him, and we both seem sort of nervous. I try and smile a little but not cheezy. I would love to talk to him, see what's up with his fashion. Today didn't seem like the day either. I was just glad I put on some makeup, even if I was just going to the food bank. This place gives you mostly organic foods. You can get fresh garden veggies, milk and bread and stuff. All the stuff I can't score at the office where I live. They give you big heavy bags too, so everyone comes with a rolling basket, or suitcase to handle it. I just had three fabric bags. They gave me one too. It was a struggle to get home. But I was glad I made the trip. I have to force myself to bake chicken this weekend. I have tons of it.
One of my agencies was telling me about a job that pays $17 an hour. Of course I was thinking that would be awesome cash. But they are notorious for not being able to get me a job where they tell me there is one. They have done this to me multiple times, then end up sending me on a labor job instead that pays $10. I can't keep going through this bullshit.
Labor ready texts but the one job I could do I didn't find out about till 30 minutes before. I wouldn't mind spending an afternoon at the convention center and getting paid for it. I'm ironically running out of everything and no cash in sight.
The $18,000 matrix keeps coming up with new things every day. People are getting restless and wondering when the money happens. There are no concrete answers, so of course people are getting pissed. The company is encouraging people to be patient and hang in there. It's just around the corner they say. Well it's been 5 weeks. When! My account is negative, let's get it going.
I got up early to go to the Jewish food pantry. They don't start seeing people till 10 but people start lining up at 6am. I got there around 8. The weather has been grey and sprinkling for days. Like being back in Seattle. I noticed an attractive man up toward the front of the line. I realized it was this guy I have seen around Hollywood for a couple of years. He always dresses very dapper. Sort of 1940s. Always is matching perfectly. Tall, striking features. But today he was in a sweatsuit and sneakers so I didn't make the connection right away. Whenever I see him my heart races. He looks at me and I look at him, and we both seem sort of nervous. I try and smile a little but not cheezy. I would love to talk to him, see what's up with his fashion. Today didn't seem like the day either. I was just glad I put on some makeup, even if I was just going to the food bank. This place gives you mostly organic foods. You can get fresh garden veggies, milk and bread and stuff. All the stuff I can't score at the office where I live. They give you big heavy bags too, so everyone comes with a rolling basket, or suitcase to handle it. I just had three fabric bags. They gave me one too. It was a struggle to get home. But I was glad I made the trip. I have to force myself to bake chicken this weekend. I have tons of it.
One of my agencies was telling me about a job that pays $17 an hour. Of course I was thinking that would be awesome cash. But they are notorious for not being able to get me a job where they tell me there is one. They have done this to me multiple times, then end up sending me on a labor job instead that pays $10. I can't keep going through this bullshit.
Friday, May 29, 2015
...the edge of a new life.....is nervewrecking
I am doing the same old thing. Looking for another job. I really hate looking for a job. I think everyone does. I have branched out into on line businesses. I haven't spent time promoting them. Partly because I am still trying to figure out how they work. If someone asks me a question, I want to be able to answer it correctly. The other part is because after running around town, then doing classes and bible studies and chores I don't have the mental focus to do anything. Today however is pretty chill. It's friday and nothing gets done on friday. So I have time to go over things. It's a few days till the end of the month, so the panic could be on; but what would be the point. I even went to labor ready of all places. I have to go there for orientation on Wednesday. Oy vey. I have to pay my phone bill so whatever. There was a time when I was going to file for an Obama phone. I did the paperwork, but when the pink envelope came, I couldn't do it. I threw the envelope in the closet. The principal of the thing is I want to be FREE! I don't want to be dependent on the system. But here I am again looking for a job and soon won't have a phone. Oh well.
One of the businesses I got involved with is a forced matrix that pays out $18,000 sometime this month. I have been thinking how much my life would change with that money. I just don't know what day it's going to happen. The last thing I heard it was next week. I hope that is true. I could move, and get a car. I could start a hardcore head to toe makeover. My whole perspective about life would shift dramatically.
Everything is closing. The job front, is closing
the guy front is closing
the living situation is closing
so things are about to shift.
One of the businesses I got involved with is a forced matrix that pays out $18,000 sometime this month. I have been thinking how much my life would change with that money. I just don't know what day it's going to happen. The last thing I heard it was next week. I hope that is true. I could move, and get a car. I could start a hardcore head to toe makeover. My whole perspective about life would shift dramatically.
Everything is closing. The job front, is closing
the guy front is closing
the living situation is closing
so things are about to shift.
Monday, May 18, 2015
struggling to make it happen....
One thing that makes me homicidal is a strange thing. When you have 7 people living in one house you have lots of weird but necessary rules. For instance don't slam the microwave door. If every person in the house did it, the noise level would be insane and eventually the door would break. There are people who do it anyway. Another rule is no singing in the house. Not everyone is going to like your song or your voice. Some people are having quiet time so don't do it. Even if you are doing your chore, don't do it. So you have to go outside to sing if you really feel the need. There really isn't any privacy outside. We are surrounded by other buildings and our front yard is on the street. There is a table and chairs at the front of the house on the walkway. My bedroom is at the front of the house as well. One of the ladies sits out there at least once a day and sings her face off. She is a horrible singer. Like why are you not embarrassed people walking by would hear you? She of course is singing hymns or praying really loud. It's ironic that I am the only one in the whole house who can hear her, and that this activity makes me homicidal. I am in my room trying to watch TV or something and this wallowing is happening. I resent having to put my headphones on and blast them when I am in my own room. People complained before about her singing in the house when she did her chores and in the shower, that's why it got banned from the house in the first place. To ban it from outside too seems unfair.
I have been struggling to make on line businesses work. I have like 6 of them. But I haven't promoted a single one of them. I don't know what is stopping me. Because God knows I need the money. I keep going out to job fairs looking for jobs. I had two interviews last Thursday. They both were a disaster. The first one was for an after school program. The interview was downtown. Which I thought cool, a place I can get to. Of course when I get downtown I can't find it! I am walking back and fourth up and down the street looking. The woman had to come and get me, and turns out I passed it every single time I walked back and fourth. It was in an apparel building, which was ironic, since I am a fashion graduate and wanted to work in the field. Turns out the position isn't downtown at all. It's in Inglewood, a good 2 hour bus ride away. Also there is only a month left in the school year and then a 7 week break for summer. I can't afford that!
Next!
Then a call center job in Brentwood. I mapped my bus ride from the downtown location the next one. I had hours and hours in between. The place was on San Vicente Blvd. I knew where this street was. I got off the bus there, and I had several hours to kill so I got a muffin and hot cocoa and sat for a while. It was pouring rain that day too. I spent time on my phone on the map app going over where the place was over and over to make sure I could get there on time. I got the bus route and was confident I would make it there early even. When it came time to go back out into the pouring rain and wait for the bus I was sure I would make it there. I got on the bus and looked for the address of where I was going. The addresses weren't even close to where I was going. Next thing I knew the bus driver was telling me it was the end of the line and kicking us all off. I was confused. I waited for the bus going the other way. The driver insisted the bus I had gotten off went further. So I went and waited for the next one. When it came the driver said 'no end of the line.' Before I could ask him anything, I stopped myself and just turned around and got back off. I called the office and left a voice mail that I would be there soon. I was having an issue finding the building. Then my phone died. By then I was massively late for the interview and had no way of finding it. I took the bus to best buy and got a portable charger. I plugged it in my phone and called again. Voice mail again. I asked if I could re schedule, but at this point I knew it wasn't going to happen. When I got home I got on my computer to look at the map on a larger screen. Because I had been on my phone I was unable to see the entire area. San Vicente Blvd splits in two. I was no where near where I needed to be. In fact the bus I took wouldn't go where I needed to go. I was miles from the building. If I had taken the bus from my house it would be nearly a 2 hour ride plus a walk to the location. I guess I was better off not going, because it was a long schlep to get there.
I had gotten a sheet for goodwill industries. I had applied there in the past, and even walked in and asked how to get a job there. I guess they hire in waves. I was told at the job fair they were hiring. The man at the booth gave me a packet with all the job listings and their reference numbers. I turned to the page that showed the retail associate positions. There were quite a few at different locations. I asked if I could work at more than one location. He said no. Just apply to all the ones that I would be open to working at. I said ok. When I got home and took the packet out to apply, the page with all the retail positions had vanished. Like it had never existed. I looked everywhere. I went through all of my files, and my bag. It's nowhere. It's as if some weird energy is sabotaging my efforts in order to save me from myself. To funnel me into where I really want to be which is independent. It's been a month since I started my first one, and haven't done a thing. I am still struggling to fill out my forms so I can get paid from them. You download them and scan them. I can't seem to figure out how to get them submitted for some reason. I get frustrated and give up every day. Meanwhile my team leader is having $800 days. I need and want that. Why can't I seem to focus?
I have been struggling to make on line businesses work. I have like 6 of them. But I haven't promoted a single one of them. I don't know what is stopping me. Because God knows I need the money. I keep going out to job fairs looking for jobs. I had two interviews last Thursday. They both were a disaster. The first one was for an after school program. The interview was downtown. Which I thought cool, a place I can get to. Of course when I get downtown I can't find it! I am walking back and fourth up and down the street looking. The woman had to come and get me, and turns out I passed it every single time I walked back and fourth. It was in an apparel building, which was ironic, since I am a fashion graduate and wanted to work in the field. Turns out the position isn't downtown at all. It's in Inglewood, a good 2 hour bus ride away. Also there is only a month left in the school year and then a 7 week break for summer. I can't afford that!
Next!
Then a call center job in Brentwood. I mapped my bus ride from the downtown location the next one. I had hours and hours in between. The place was on San Vicente Blvd. I knew where this street was. I got off the bus there, and I had several hours to kill so I got a muffin and hot cocoa and sat for a while. It was pouring rain that day too. I spent time on my phone on the map app going over where the place was over and over to make sure I could get there on time. I got the bus route and was confident I would make it there early even. When it came time to go back out into the pouring rain and wait for the bus I was sure I would make it there. I got on the bus and looked for the address of where I was going. The addresses weren't even close to where I was going. Next thing I knew the bus driver was telling me it was the end of the line and kicking us all off. I was confused. I waited for the bus going the other way. The driver insisted the bus I had gotten off went further. So I went and waited for the next one. When it came the driver said 'no end of the line.' Before I could ask him anything, I stopped myself and just turned around and got back off. I called the office and left a voice mail that I would be there soon. I was having an issue finding the building. Then my phone died. By then I was massively late for the interview and had no way of finding it. I took the bus to best buy and got a portable charger. I plugged it in my phone and called again. Voice mail again. I asked if I could re schedule, but at this point I knew it wasn't going to happen. When I got home I got on my computer to look at the map on a larger screen. Because I had been on my phone I was unable to see the entire area. San Vicente Blvd splits in two. I was no where near where I needed to be. In fact the bus I took wouldn't go where I needed to go. I was miles from the building. If I had taken the bus from my house it would be nearly a 2 hour ride plus a walk to the location. I guess I was better off not going, because it was a long schlep to get there.
I had gotten a sheet for goodwill industries. I had applied there in the past, and even walked in and asked how to get a job there. I guess they hire in waves. I was told at the job fair they were hiring. The man at the booth gave me a packet with all the job listings and their reference numbers. I turned to the page that showed the retail associate positions. There were quite a few at different locations. I asked if I could work at more than one location. He said no. Just apply to all the ones that I would be open to working at. I said ok. When I got home and took the packet out to apply, the page with all the retail positions had vanished. Like it had never existed. I looked everywhere. I went through all of my files, and my bag. It's nowhere. It's as if some weird energy is sabotaging my efforts in order to save me from myself. To funnel me into where I really want to be which is independent. It's been a month since I started my first one, and haven't done a thing. I am still struggling to fill out my forms so I can get paid from them. You download them and scan them. I can't seem to figure out how to get them submitted for some reason. I get frustrated and give up every day. Meanwhile my team leader is having $800 days. I need and want that. Why can't I seem to focus?
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Today is a mutha
Today is mother's day. Everyone is posting pics of their moms on FB and long soliloquies about how they would be no where without their mothers. Many had baby pics of them being held by their extremely proud mommies.
There are no pictures of my mother and me. Not one. The one picture there was, she ripped herself out of. It's just me on a phantom shoulder. I asked her why she did that, and she said because 'she looked fat.' She valued her vanity over my psyche. I could have easily interpreted it as her trying to get away from me. Eventually as an adult I would see it that way. There are more photos of me and grandma, than of me and mom or dad. The other photo of my mom I have is of the back of her head while driving the year before I was born. She had a high bouffant bob and cat glasses. The back of her head would be a fitting way to sum up our relationship.
My mother lives in Washington in an assisted living facility. We don't talk. We don't get along. I spoke to her probably a year ago, and we fought. She insisted I was 'limiting myself economically' by not learning to speak Spanish. Mom's doesn't understand that 'bilingual' means 'we hire latinos'. I am not latino. I told her I would learn to speak spanish when I was on my way to spain. She thought this was idiotic, since I was looking for work at the time. I am not learning a whole nother language to make the same $10 working in a call center I am trying to get away from. Spanish speaking people make a few bucks more, but it's not a good use of my time. Just not happening.
She was never available for me growing up. She's the classic narcissistic personality. She would always make sure I knew I was a burden to her. That he life would be so much simpler if she didn't have me to raise. She would say things like 'I let you live in my house.' and 'The law says I have to feed and clothe you.' But she did the bare minimum. Cooking a meal was out of the question. So I lived on cereal, salad and sandwiches most of the time. I learned to make macaroni and cheese and spaghetti, so I cooked for myself. She was depressed so she spent most of her days in bed, or parked in front of the television ignoring me. I could go weeks without any eye contact from her. Days without a word. It was hell. When I lived with her parents I felt loved and like a kid. There were meal times, and help with homework, there were trips in the summer, and friends over. My grandma was my mother. Grandma was who I called on mother's day when she was alive. She would always get very serious and say I should call my mother. I would politely decline. She would tell me 'Call her, she thinks she's a bad mother. Just call her.' I couldn't disagree. I would begrudgingly call her. She would argue that she was a horrible mother. I would half assedly tell her she wasn't. It was pathetic and really inauthentic on both our parts. When grandma passed, the ritual stopped.
My mother was my jealous older sister. The only time she seemed invested in me is when my father wanted to be with me. Then she would fight tooth and nail for me, only to ignore me when she got me. I was a doll for them to fight over. When I wasn't a cute little kid anymore, their attitudes toward me shifted in a way to say I had betrayed them in some way. Because I didn't stay little and cute.
I can't bring myself to celebrate this woman. To call her and wish her happy squeezing me out and abandoning me day. For making up lies about me to spread far and wide so people would reject me. For insuring I was at every disadvantage coming up because you refused to lift a finger to help me with anything. For breaking promise after promise, for standing in my way because you couldn't cope with me being good at anything. For calling me names when I was down. For telling me 'it was my choice' when I was suicidal and couldn't take anymore..
I dread anyone ever asking about my relationship with my parents. I never come out and say ' I don't have one with either of them.' I try and remember the high lights and spin them into some fairy-tale about what good times we had. My dad as more of these than good old mom. Mom has one big one. My father kidnapped me when I was 6 for half a year and she somehow was able to track me down. She drove for days to come rescue me, and then have my father put in the brig. But after that, she went back to ignoring me again.
All the success and happiness I achieve is despite you. I have flashes of moving you to California, so we can be in eachother's lives for the remainder of yours. So we can try to have some good memories before you die. I keep remembering how after grandpa died and grandma was alone in the house. She fell getting out of the tub, and no one found her for three days. I was across country when I found this out I cried and cried and cried. I am crying now even remembering it. My mom has set her life up the exact same way. Except since she lives in a facility, she could yell loud enough for someone to hear her if that ever happened. Grandma lived in the house grandpa built for her the year I was born. Neighbors weren't close enough to hear anything. The bathroom was in the back of the house as well. So if the mailman came to the front, he wouldn't hear her screaming in there.
I do want to be able too have a friendship with her. To hang out without fighting or her calling me names or making attempts to make me feel like a failure in life. He brother lives in the same town as her and won't see her. She is the type of person who only calls when she wants something from you. She never calls him just cause, or would go and visit just to shoot the breeze. They were never close; but managed to help eachother out over the years here and there. My uncle is too old to be her fix it man. He's well into his 70's and not in the greatest health. His daughter's have forbade him from seeing my mom. He's cool with it. No one in the family is crazy about her. She has managed to offend everyone, and she has the reputation of being miserable and abusive. So no one wants to be around her. When people come to town to see my uncle, the skip seeing my mom.
I want to see her anyway. But I feel like I need to be a size 6 and engaged for her to not go in on me. I have made it a point never to lie about my life to my mother. Never to make up stories about how successful I am or who I'm dating. I never thought it was worth it to lie to her. I guess people do that so their parents don't feel like failures or something. I don't care if she does. I'm not going to lie about a very real journey I am on for her feelings. There is no doubt I have to be emotionally prepared to see her, and prepared to walk out on her again.There were times in the past she was so abusive I told her if she didn't stop I would walk out and she wouldn't see me anymore. She thought I was kidding. I haven't seen her in 20 years.
I left 14 years ago. She flipped out when I moved away. Like I was supposed to clear it with her, or tell her I was going. For what? We only talk on the phone anyway? What difference does it make if I am in Washington, Florida, Paris, or California?
It's hard not to fly the middle finger on mother's day.
It really is.
There are no pictures of my mother and me. Not one. The one picture there was, she ripped herself out of. It's just me on a phantom shoulder. I asked her why she did that, and she said because 'she looked fat.' She valued her vanity over my psyche. I could have easily interpreted it as her trying to get away from me. Eventually as an adult I would see it that way. There are more photos of me and grandma, than of me and mom or dad. The other photo of my mom I have is of the back of her head while driving the year before I was born. She had a high bouffant bob and cat glasses. The back of her head would be a fitting way to sum up our relationship.
My mother lives in Washington in an assisted living facility. We don't talk. We don't get along. I spoke to her probably a year ago, and we fought. She insisted I was 'limiting myself economically' by not learning to speak Spanish. Mom's doesn't understand that 'bilingual' means 'we hire latinos'. I am not latino. I told her I would learn to speak spanish when I was on my way to spain. She thought this was idiotic, since I was looking for work at the time. I am not learning a whole nother language to make the same $10 working in a call center I am trying to get away from. Spanish speaking people make a few bucks more, but it's not a good use of my time. Just not happening.
She was never available for me growing up. She's the classic narcissistic personality. She would always make sure I knew I was a burden to her. That he life would be so much simpler if she didn't have me to raise. She would say things like 'I let you live in my house.' and 'The law says I have to feed and clothe you.' But she did the bare minimum. Cooking a meal was out of the question. So I lived on cereal, salad and sandwiches most of the time. I learned to make macaroni and cheese and spaghetti, so I cooked for myself. She was depressed so she spent most of her days in bed, or parked in front of the television ignoring me. I could go weeks without any eye contact from her. Days without a word. It was hell. When I lived with her parents I felt loved and like a kid. There were meal times, and help with homework, there were trips in the summer, and friends over. My grandma was my mother. Grandma was who I called on mother's day when she was alive. She would always get very serious and say I should call my mother. I would politely decline. She would tell me 'Call her, she thinks she's a bad mother. Just call her.' I couldn't disagree. I would begrudgingly call her. She would argue that she was a horrible mother. I would half assedly tell her she wasn't. It was pathetic and really inauthentic on both our parts. When grandma passed, the ritual stopped.
My mother was my jealous older sister. The only time she seemed invested in me is when my father wanted to be with me. Then she would fight tooth and nail for me, only to ignore me when she got me. I was a doll for them to fight over. When I wasn't a cute little kid anymore, their attitudes toward me shifted in a way to say I had betrayed them in some way. Because I didn't stay little and cute.
I can't bring myself to celebrate this woman. To call her and wish her happy squeezing me out and abandoning me day. For making up lies about me to spread far and wide so people would reject me. For insuring I was at every disadvantage coming up because you refused to lift a finger to help me with anything. For breaking promise after promise, for standing in my way because you couldn't cope with me being good at anything. For calling me names when I was down. For telling me 'it was my choice' when I was suicidal and couldn't take anymore..
I dread anyone ever asking about my relationship with my parents. I never come out and say ' I don't have one with either of them.' I try and remember the high lights and spin them into some fairy-tale about what good times we had. My dad as more of these than good old mom. Mom has one big one. My father kidnapped me when I was 6 for half a year and she somehow was able to track me down. She drove for days to come rescue me, and then have my father put in the brig. But after that, she went back to ignoring me again.
All the success and happiness I achieve is despite you. I have flashes of moving you to California, so we can be in eachother's lives for the remainder of yours. So we can try to have some good memories before you die. I keep remembering how after grandpa died and grandma was alone in the house. She fell getting out of the tub, and no one found her for three days. I was across country when I found this out I cried and cried and cried. I am crying now even remembering it. My mom has set her life up the exact same way. Except since she lives in a facility, she could yell loud enough for someone to hear her if that ever happened. Grandma lived in the house grandpa built for her the year I was born. Neighbors weren't close enough to hear anything. The bathroom was in the back of the house as well. So if the mailman came to the front, he wouldn't hear her screaming in there.
I do want to be able too have a friendship with her. To hang out without fighting or her calling me names or making attempts to make me feel like a failure in life. He brother lives in the same town as her and won't see her. She is the type of person who only calls when she wants something from you. She never calls him just cause, or would go and visit just to shoot the breeze. They were never close; but managed to help eachother out over the years here and there. My uncle is too old to be her fix it man. He's well into his 70's and not in the greatest health. His daughter's have forbade him from seeing my mom. He's cool with it. No one in the family is crazy about her. She has managed to offend everyone, and she has the reputation of being miserable and abusive. So no one wants to be around her. When people come to town to see my uncle, the skip seeing my mom.
I want to see her anyway. But I feel like I need to be a size 6 and engaged for her to not go in on me. I have made it a point never to lie about my life to my mother. Never to make up stories about how successful I am or who I'm dating. I never thought it was worth it to lie to her. I guess people do that so their parents don't feel like failures or something. I don't care if she does. I'm not going to lie about a very real journey I am on for her feelings. There is no doubt I have to be emotionally prepared to see her, and prepared to walk out on her again.There were times in the past she was so abusive I told her if she didn't stop I would walk out and she wouldn't see me anymore. She thought I was kidding. I haven't seen her in 20 years.
I left 14 years ago. She flipped out when I moved away. Like I was supposed to clear it with her, or tell her I was going. For what? We only talk on the phone anyway? What difference does it make if I am in Washington, Florida, Paris, or California?
It's hard not to fly the middle finger on mother's day.
It really is.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
...an example of what turns me off about some Christians.
A woman from Africa who was studying to be a member of the clergy came to preach to us one night.
In her sermon she mentioned how she spent an entire year in India. She described a ceremony (of Jaipur) that was going on when she got there. There was an elephant that was painted pink, with many ornaments. This elephant was made of papier mache and carried on a very large platform down a street. At the end of the street was a river, which the elephant was then thrown into. She found this quite troubling. She also saw what they were doing to be 'idolatry' which she clearly passed judgement upon. I found it quite strange that you could live in India for a whole year and A.) not make some effort to learn about their culture, so you could at least intelligently speak upon it. and B.) Have enough reverence and respect for them after all that time not to speak of them in this manner.
In Spain, they have Easter festivals, where they carry huge crosses with a crucified Jesus on them through the streets, with people singing praise to the cross as it passes in the street. But this isn't idolatry? It just seems like an unfair assessment. I really don't like the 'I am right and you are wrong.' sort of attitude that goes with some Christian teachings. Here you are a college educated person, but somehow you can't extend yourself enough to learn about the culture you are living in. I am sure her purpose was to minister to people there and convert them to Christianity. So I guess knowing about their beliefs doesn't matter at that point.
I dunno.
Just seems lazy to me.
In her sermon she mentioned how she spent an entire year in India. She described a ceremony (of Jaipur) that was going on when she got there. There was an elephant that was painted pink, with many ornaments. This elephant was made of papier mache and carried on a very large platform down a street. At the end of the street was a river, which the elephant was then thrown into. She found this quite troubling. She also saw what they were doing to be 'idolatry' which she clearly passed judgement upon. I found it quite strange that you could live in India for a whole year and A.) not make some effort to learn about their culture, so you could at least intelligently speak upon it. and B.) Have enough reverence and respect for them after all that time not to speak of them in this manner.
In Spain, they have Easter festivals, where they carry huge crosses with a crucified Jesus on them through the streets, with people singing praise to the cross as it passes in the street. But this isn't idolatry? It just seems like an unfair assessment. I really don't like the 'I am right and you are wrong.' sort of attitude that goes with some Christian teachings. Here you are a college educated person, but somehow you can't extend yourself enough to learn about the culture you are living in. I am sure her purpose was to minister to people there and convert them to Christianity. So I guess knowing about their beliefs doesn't matter at that point.
I dunno.
Just seems lazy to me.
Monday, January 19, 2015
a rant in general....
One of the rooms has problems with the women arguing. So now the whole house has to keep their doors open between the hours of 10am and 6pm. The dumbass part is that between those hours hardly anyone is home. I guarantee that the arguments are taking place AFTER 6pm. My room is right off the kitchen, so all the bullshit noise, and cooking smells I have to be subject too anyway are now amplified. I shut my door anyway when there is a bunch of slamming and shit. I just have to get the fuck out of here. If I am able to get my 40 hours in over the next two weeks and can make a run of it. I am beyond done. Plus I found out some people in the house think I get preferential treatment. This always happens when I have to live with a bunch of women. They end up jealous. I have all the same bullshit rules as they do. All the same shit to do. How am I made a preference? Because I live in a two person room and they live in a three person room? I didn't ASK for that. It was given to me. As was the desk for my sewing machine. I didn't ask for it. It was given to me and here in the room when I moved in. It isn't my fault that when someone is supposed to move in they don't show up. Or only stay a week. It's common place for people to say shit about you behind your back, or complain without speaking one syllable to you before they take it somewhere else. How do people get through life avoiding shit like that? If something bothers me I can talk to you directly. I don't take issue with it.
I am glad that chores are now a week long instead of a month long. The chore I have now is every other day, but they added a bunch of bullshit onto it. It used to be dust the living room and the china cabinet glass. Now it's do all the door frames and window sills, wash chairs, the place mats, the table. Just on and on extra shit that really is extra. Chairs? Ugh.
Now that I want to do my chore of course everyone and their aunt is in the living room. I will have to wait till much later. I don't care really. At least I don't have to do it every day.
I am glad that chores are now a week long instead of a month long. The chore I have now is every other day, but they added a bunch of bullshit onto it. It used to be dust the living room and the china cabinet glass. Now it's do all the door frames and window sills, wash chairs, the place mats, the table. Just on and on extra shit that really is extra. Chairs? Ugh.
Now that I want to do my chore of course everyone and their aunt is in the living room. I will have to wait till much later. I don't care really. At least I don't have to do it every day.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
I'm not the nostalgic type....
I think everyone has memories of their parents aching for their youth. Maybe it was a song that came on the radio, or a movie about that time in their lives or a friend they ran into suddenly that they hadn't seen since high school, or even a reunion. After they become all whimsical and may even get a little sad. As kids watching this go down, we either were embarrassed for them or mortified in some way that we witnessed them longing to be our age again. Realizing they never would be was uncomfortable. In our heads we vowed never to be pathetic like that. I mean we couldn't WAIT to be grown adults. WHY would you ever want to be a kid again?
Then we grew up.
I have friends who are still back in Seattle, and will most likely be there till they die. They were probably born there too. There was an article about 20 bars we will miss in Seattle. Some of the most famous and beloved ones amongst my crowd were not mentioned. Some were. We started all throwing out names and reminiscing. My youth was problematic, but I would always manage to find my way to go dancing. Going dancing made everything worthwhile. That's how I met all my friends in the first place. At le club. Dancing was my salvation, my savior. I couldn't live without it. I didn't drink, and didn't get into the drug scene. I dropped acid a few times, X and MDA maybe a dozen times and danced all night. But never got into the hard stuff or drank. I was reading this list of bars and thinking about all the good times I actually did have. The outfits I wore, the people I met.
There is a group on facebook dedicated to a teen club we all went to beneath the space needle in the 80's. People post songs we all used to dance to, and the same feelings came up. Remembering who I would be hanging with, how much fun it was to dance all night then walk downtown in the morning to the Pike Place Market to get breakfast, or to Denny's across from the Needle. We would crash at some kids apartment on the floor for a few hours then shower and change and hit up Broadway to hang out all day till it was time to go back to the club. That was a typical Friday and Saturday. When I was in high school we'd then get the bus back to our town on Sunday night. When I moved to the city dancing was 5 nights a week. Wednesday through Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were dark. We were pretty dedicated to going and being out. I could go anywhere alone and when I got there know half the house. As time went on I didn't have to pay cover anywhere anymore because I was known by everyone. All the owners liked me to come through because I was cool to everyone and danced my ass off and got the crowd going. I never missed anything in my past.
My life outside of that was harsh, unmanageable, and depressing. I could barely find work, was usually homeless in some capacity. Either living in a transitional shelter. Or couch surfing till I could get into one. The last 3 years I lived there I had a small apartment down on 23rd ave for a mere $450 a month and I was struggling to pay rent every month. There were help agencies I could go to who would help pay, and help with bills. But then I knew I had to get out. Nothing would ever happen for me there. I was about to be homeless again after having a place for 3 years and I decided to move out of state to Florida. The plan was to land at my cousins in Orlando, get a job and a car and then go to Miami to design school and pick up dancing in the studio again and then learn to partner dance. I never learned salsa and tango and all that. It was a solid plan. I hadn't realized my cousin wasn't that wild about me after all these years. She would put me out on the street not knowing a soul, and the struggle began all over again. But this time I didn't have my salvation. No clubs, no friends. No free cover. In the past 14 years I have been to the club a handful of times, but NONE of those times were in the capacity that I love. There was no dancing all night. One time I even fell and tore my knee in the club. It was truly a nightmare.
Since in LA I still haven't really danced my ass off. There are a ton of places I have yet to see. Because of my living situation (having a curfew) going out isn't even allowed. If I do go I have to get 'permission' and fill out forms and have a place to crash for the weekend. I can't just go out and come back at 3 am or whatever after I'm done. So it's kind of a hassle. I imagine when I move out, hardly ever being home. I am looking forward to it actually. Being trapped in a house with a bunch of sad women, all you can do is eat. People bring home cake and pie from the food bank for everyone. You are home on ANOTHER Saturday night, you do the math. I am looking forward to that not being my reality any more.
The funny thing is I want to get in shape. Back in the day I never went to the gym because I was always out dancing. Really dancing my ass off. I started dating guys who were not into going out and couldn't dance, and were nerds who couldn't socialize so I went out less. The pounds started to creep on. I spent 4 years in 2 different relationships. By the end of the last one I had gained 50 lbs. I would gain 40 more when I moved to sunny hot ass Florida. Funny thing with struggling, poverty / homelessness and the like. Working out is not anywhere near the top of the list. You can't afford to dress the way you want, you can't go out. There are no people to look good for anyway so it doesn't become important. When you are in a shelter, you usually for half of the month have to eat what you can find at pantries and food banks. It's usually not the low cal low fat organic stuff for weight loss. Good luck finding fresh veggies. It's usually tons of sugar, and carbs. The past 4 or so years there has been an up tick in on line workouts. So even in my room I can work out by myself. I have had a laptop for only a year. Before that I had a smart phone for a year. So on line workouts were not easy access prior to two years ago.
I used to spend hours dancing in my room or apartment back in the day. I didn't really think of it as working out tho. Even with the on line work outs, there is still a component missing. I'm not going anywhere. So I often feel like what's the point. I have saved tons of workouts. Even subscribed a couple of times. But let it lapse. But as I turn a financial corner finally and see the light at the end of a very long tunnel, I feel a glimmer of inspiration. My dream is to be back in the studio taking classes again. That has been my desire for a couple of decades now. But that is the way I get challenged, not running on a treadmill. Interacting with other dancers, and learning routines speaks to me. Dance was a big part of my life growing up. I thought I would be a dancer when I grew up, but I was derailed by my mother's plans to move to Seattle when I was 14. She refused to pay for classes. That was the official start of my clubbing. I had to dance, that was the only way I could. I don't expect to go pro at this stage in the game. I mean I AM crowding 50. I just want that to be my tribe again. To get my dancers body back. To get my dancers spirit back. To feel like myself again.
Then we grew up.
I have friends who are still back in Seattle, and will most likely be there till they die. They were probably born there too. There was an article about 20 bars we will miss in Seattle. Some of the most famous and beloved ones amongst my crowd were not mentioned. Some were. We started all throwing out names and reminiscing. My youth was problematic, but I would always manage to find my way to go dancing. Going dancing made everything worthwhile. That's how I met all my friends in the first place. At le club. Dancing was my salvation, my savior. I couldn't live without it. I didn't drink, and didn't get into the drug scene. I dropped acid a few times, X and MDA maybe a dozen times and danced all night. But never got into the hard stuff or drank. I was reading this list of bars and thinking about all the good times I actually did have. The outfits I wore, the people I met.
There is a group on facebook dedicated to a teen club we all went to beneath the space needle in the 80's. People post songs we all used to dance to, and the same feelings came up. Remembering who I would be hanging with, how much fun it was to dance all night then walk downtown in the morning to the Pike Place Market to get breakfast, or to Denny's across from the Needle. We would crash at some kids apartment on the floor for a few hours then shower and change and hit up Broadway to hang out all day till it was time to go back to the club. That was a typical Friday and Saturday. When I was in high school we'd then get the bus back to our town on Sunday night. When I moved to the city dancing was 5 nights a week. Wednesday through Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were dark. We were pretty dedicated to going and being out. I could go anywhere alone and when I got there know half the house. As time went on I didn't have to pay cover anywhere anymore because I was known by everyone. All the owners liked me to come through because I was cool to everyone and danced my ass off and got the crowd going. I never missed anything in my past.
My life outside of that was harsh, unmanageable, and depressing. I could barely find work, was usually homeless in some capacity. Either living in a transitional shelter. Or couch surfing till I could get into one. The last 3 years I lived there I had a small apartment down on 23rd ave for a mere $450 a month and I was struggling to pay rent every month. There were help agencies I could go to who would help pay, and help with bills. But then I knew I had to get out. Nothing would ever happen for me there. I was about to be homeless again after having a place for 3 years and I decided to move out of state to Florida. The plan was to land at my cousins in Orlando, get a job and a car and then go to Miami to design school and pick up dancing in the studio again and then learn to partner dance. I never learned salsa and tango and all that. It was a solid plan. I hadn't realized my cousin wasn't that wild about me after all these years. She would put me out on the street not knowing a soul, and the struggle began all over again. But this time I didn't have my salvation. No clubs, no friends. No free cover. In the past 14 years I have been to the club a handful of times, but NONE of those times were in the capacity that I love. There was no dancing all night. One time I even fell and tore my knee in the club. It was truly a nightmare.
Since in LA I still haven't really danced my ass off. There are a ton of places I have yet to see. Because of my living situation (having a curfew) going out isn't even allowed. If I do go I have to get 'permission' and fill out forms and have a place to crash for the weekend. I can't just go out and come back at 3 am or whatever after I'm done. So it's kind of a hassle. I imagine when I move out, hardly ever being home. I am looking forward to it actually. Being trapped in a house with a bunch of sad women, all you can do is eat. People bring home cake and pie from the food bank for everyone. You are home on ANOTHER Saturday night, you do the math. I am looking forward to that not being my reality any more.
The funny thing is I want to get in shape. Back in the day I never went to the gym because I was always out dancing. Really dancing my ass off. I started dating guys who were not into going out and couldn't dance, and were nerds who couldn't socialize so I went out less. The pounds started to creep on. I spent 4 years in 2 different relationships. By the end of the last one I had gained 50 lbs. I would gain 40 more when I moved to sunny hot ass Florida. Funny thing with struggling, poverty / homelessness and the like. Working out is not anywhere near the top of the list. You can't afford to dress the way you want, you can't go out. There are no people to look good for anyway so it doesn't become important. When you are in a shelter, you usually for half of the month have to eat what you can find at pantries and food banks. It's usually not the low cal low fat organic stuff for weight loss. Good luck finding fresh veggies. It's usually tons of sugar, and carbs. The past 4 or so years there has been an up tick in on line workouts. So even in my room I can work out by myself. I have had a laptop for only a year. Before that I had a smart phone for a year. So on line workouts were not easy access prior to two years ago.
I used to spend hours dancing in my room or apartment back in the day. I didn't really think of it as working out tho. Even with the on line work outs, there is still a component missing. I'm not going anywhere. So I often feel like what's the point. I have saved tons of workouts. Even subscribed a couple of times. But let it lapse. But as I turn a financial corner finally and see the light at the end of a very long tunnel, I feel a glimmer of inspiration. My dream is to be back in the studio taking classes again. That has been my desire for a couple of decades now. But that is the way I get challenged, not running on a treadmill. Interacting with other dancers, and learning routines speaks to me. Dance was a big part of my life growing up. I thought I would be a dancer when I grew up, but I was derailed by my mother's plans to move to Seattle when I was 14. She refused to pay for classes. That was the official start of my clubbing. I had to dance, that was the only way I could. I don't expect to go pro at this stage in the game. I mean I AM crowding 50. I just want that to be my tribe again. To get my dancers body back. To get my dancers spirit back. To feel like myself again.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
....the grey area
I did all the running around required by the aid office. The quicker I get all the forms done the quicker I get my cash. The quicker I have cash coming in the more easily it will be to move if my voucher comes up. The office is right off skid row, so in addition to them doing fung shwei to the place, they also have a concierge that greets you and asks you what you are there for. They figured out people from skid row were coming there just to hang out or sleep all day. Which was making the place impossibly crowded and smelly. So they have weeded out the clingers on. Then when I walked in the place smelled like incense. Really great incense. Someone had lit it in the ladies room. How thoughtful of them.
I later had a derm appointment in little Tokyo. I showed the doctor the places that wouldn't heal. He said he could burn them off. Which sounded painful. He took out this can that blasted what felt like dry ice to the areas. They burned for a few hours, then started growing these scabs. He said they would and in about 10 days they would be gone. The one on my leg looks hideous tho. A mound of flesh standing up. I am worried. My chin seems to be doing better.
I thought about where I would look for an apartment. I saw one for rent for $850 with a $500 deposit near Vine street. But that was a studio. With the cash from the job I could get a one bedroom. My friend W wants to move here. A two bedroom would be ideal, but if he isn't helping pay for it, the sofa will have to do. The thing is, look how long it's taken me to get a place. I couldn't handle three years on my sofa. If I find a place I like I wouldn't want to move just to have a roomate either. I don't think he will have as hard a time finding something as I did. He won't be in school when he gets here for two years like I was. I want to be among the living again. A grown up who can come and go as she pleases. Have people over whenever she wants, clean when she wants, eat in the middle of the night if she wants.
I later had a derm appointment in little Tokyo. I showed the doctor the places that wouldn't heal. He said he could burn them off. Which sounded painful. He took out this can that blasted what felt like dry ice to the areas. They burned for a few hours, then started growing these scabs. He said they would and in about 10 days they would be gone. The one on my leg looks hideous tho. A mound of flesh standing up. I am worried. My chin seems to be doing better.
I thought about where I would look for an apartment. I saw one for rent for $850 with a $500 deposit near Vine street. But that was a studio. With the cash from the job I could get a one bedroom. My friend W wants to move here. A two bedroom would be ideal, but if he isn't helping pay for it, the sofa will have to do. The thing is, look how long it's taken me to get a place. I couldn't handle three years on my sofa. If I find a place I like I wouldn't want to move just to have a roomate either. I don't think he will have as hard a time finding something as I did. He won't be in school when he gets here for two years like I was. I want to be among the living again. A grown up who can come and go as she pleases. Have people over whenever she wants, clean when she wants, eat in the middle of the night if she wants.
...and were done.....
I had been living on borrowed time and now it's over. I am officially painted into a corner. I am trying to avoid getting a job where I have to stand all day. The tax places are hiring people to wear the lady liberty costume and dance out front. For a second I thought about it, then the reality would be I would maybe last one day and not be able to move the rest of the week. I just don't have that in me.
I went to get all my paperwork turned in so I can get assistance. But they have 30 days to get it to me. My DVR worker won't be taking my case till mid February. I just don't want my housing to come free and I don't have any income. I am trying not to let my emotions fall because of this. Not let it affect me negatively. I had a phone interview with a cool company that isn't far from where I live. I was excited about it but alas they didn't pick me. Another company e mails and wants to see me. When I look on google maps to see where they are they are three buses away and 1 hour and 40 minutes ride one way. The third bus is in another city so I would have to pay cash to ride it twice a day as well. It was a 'financial group' which doesn't scream 'we want to hire you'.
If I could just get in at a fashion company or something that would be great. Trying to change paths is a grind. I wouldn't recommend it at all unless you have lots of money saved. I am tired of looking for work. I registered with caljobs then I get a text from some company saying they want to interview me for a work at home data entry position. It was creepy sort of. I got into a chat with a person and it was like an interview. I guess this is the future. But of course I feel like this is shady too. But it's through the state so maybe it's legit. But I don't have any faith they will hire me either. It's not adding up. It's almost as if having experience and skill is a determent nowadays. That if you have them, you expect to be compensated, and no one wants to do that. The cool company down the street paid a livable wage, which was something to get excited about. But alas they didn't want to see me for an in person interview.
I counted, and I have made 15 new skirts in the past 2 months. Pretty good track record. I might just stay in all weekend and sew.
It started raining Friday night and now Sunday morning it's still raining. I watched two good movies yesterday. 'Under the skin' and 'Nightcrawler.' I am going to try and score some more movies and get some sewing done. I want new Frankenstein t shirts.
Saturday morning I get an e mail from the work at home company saying the want to hire me. They sent contracts that I am supposed to print out and sign and scan back to them. Then I can start work. I told them I would do that Monday. They said I would start my training on Monday. It pays a ridiculous amount of money. Like I can move out in a month money. And not to section 8 housing, market rate housing. I am a little nervous. I have had so many false starts. I am afraid to get excited. I want this to be real. Not a scam.
I went to get all my paperwork turned in so I can get assistance. But they have 30 days to get it to me. My DVR worker won't be taking my case till mid February. I just don't want my housing to come free and I don't have any income. I am trying not to let my emotions fall because of this. Not let it affect me negatively. I had a phone interview with a cool company that isn't far from where I live. I was excited about it but alas they didn't pick me. Another company e mails and wants to see me. When I look on google maps to see where they are they are three buses away and 1 hour and 40 minutes ride one way. The third bus is in another city so I would have to pay cash to ride it twice a day as well. It was a 'financial group' which doesn't scream 'we want to hire you'.
If I could just get in at a fashion company or something that would be great. Trying to change paths is a grind. I wouldn't recommend it at all unless you have lots of money saved. I am tired of looking for work. I registered with caljobs then I get a text from some company saying they want to interview me for a work at home data entry position. It was creepy sort of. I got into a chat with a person and it was like an interview. I guess this is the future. But of course I feel like this is shady too. But it's through the state so maybe it's legit. But I don't have any faith they will hire me either. It's not adding up. It's almost as if having experience and skill is a determent nowadays. That if you have them, you expect to be compensated, and no one wants to do that. The cool company down the street paid a livable wage, which was something to get excited about. But alas they didn't want to see me for an in person interview.
I counted, and I have made 15 new skirts in the past 2 months. Pretty good track record. I might just stay in all weekend and sew.
It started raining Friday night and now Sunday morning it's still raining. I watched two good movies yesterday. 'Under the skin' and 'Nightcrawler.' I am going to try and score some more movies and get some sewing done. I want new Frankenstein t shirts.
Saturday morning I get an e mail from the work at home company saying the want to hire me. They sent contracts that I am supposed to print out and sign and scan back to them. Then I can start work. I told them I would do that Monday. They said I would start my training on Monday. It pays a ridiculous amount of money. Like I can move out in a month money. And not to section 8 housing, market rate housing. I am a little nervous. I have had so many false starts. I am afraid to get excited. I want this to be real. Not a scam.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Sunday....
There is a pattern emerging with JV. Whenever we're supposed to make a trip to see a movie he has to 'spend time with his daughters'. Which are grown mind you. This is the third time he has pulled this bullshit. I think I am kind of done.
The thing with divorced guys, is they usually don't go into any kind of therapy to find out what they can do better going forward. How they can prevent another relationship from falling apart. So all of the bullshit bad habits, and selfishness that caused their wives to find someone else, are still firmly intact for the next woman. I don't do well with that kind of stuff.
Some women refuse to date men with children. His are GROWN as I have mentioned. So the annoyed feeling I would get from him just spending time with his kids is amplified because they aren't children, they are grown women. He made plans with me. He bailed on them to do this, I am extremely annoyed. I really would like to discuss this with him and try and see if he is actually interested in dating. MEN USE THEIR KIDS AS AN EXCUSE TO BE UNAVAILABLE JUST LIKE WOMEN DO.
I guess I thought because they were grown I wouldn't have to deal with this. But I guess I do. I tried calling but no answer. This is unacceptable.
Period.
--------
later
--------
I got in touch. It didn't make matters better to know that he and his grown daughters came to Hollywood to eat and hang out too. I expressed myself calmly and openly without accusing or using angry language. I did however try and clarify that the last time he was here that we'd made plans to see each other today. He claims we didn't. That he would 'try' and see me today. When I spoke to him earlier today he had to do two quick jobs then he would be over to see me. He never said that either apparently. It started sounding like the 'this isn't working out' talk. Then it was the 'I don't have the time' talk then it morphed into the 'we'll work this out' talk.
I am not going to hold my breath for him to make time for me. This whole thing today has put a bad taste in my mouth really. I can forgive it, because when you start getting to know someone there will be missteps. That's a given. You can move past them if you want. People sometimes start sort of hinting around about you, and might mention IDK say that you are a different race, and the friends and family disapprove and suddenly you get a bunch of back peddling. I have experienced this a thousand times. Suddenly their schedule is soooOOoooo full, and they are so busy. Or they do something to purposely piss you off so they can pull the 'this isn't working out' card when you call them on their bullshit. Your anger may be perfectly justified but they use the 'you are an emotionally sensitive woman' excuse to exit.
Some people don't see you as their dreamgirl so they don't put in much effort. Or they may have thought they could get you in bed quickly because they thought you would be loose and when that didn't happen they fall off and lose interest. Whichever, I don't really plan to hear from him any time soon.
The thing with divorced guys, is they usually don't go into any kind of therapy to find out what they can do better going forward. How they can prevent another relationship from falling apart. So all of the bullshit bad habits, and selfishness that caused their wives to find someone else, are still firmly intact for the next woman. I don't do well with that kind of stuff.
Some women refuse to date men with children. His are GROWN as I have mentioned. So the annoyed feeling I would get from him just spending time with his kids is amplified because they aren't children, they are grown women. He made plans with me. He bailed on them to do this, I am extremely annoyed. I really would like to discuss this with him and try and see if he is actually interested in dating. MEN USE THEIR KIDS AS AN EXCUSE TO BE UNAVAILABLE JUST LIKE WOMEN DO.
I guess I thought because they were grown I wouldn't have to deal with this. But I guess I do. I tried calling but no answer. This is unacceptable.
Period.
--------
later
--------
I got in touch. It didn't make matters better to know that he and his grown daughters came to Hollywood to eat and hang out too. I expressed myself calmly and openly without accusing or using angry language. I did however try and clarify that the last time he was here that we'd made plans to see each other today. He claims we didn't. That he would 'try' and see me today. When I spoke to him earlier today he had to do two quick jobs then he would be over to see me. He never said that either apparently. It started sounding like the 'this isn't working out' talk. Then it was the 'I don't have the time' talk then it morphed into the 'we'll work this out' talk.
I am not going to hold my breath for him to make time for me. This whole thing today has put a bad taste in my mouth really. I can forgive it, because when you start getting to know someone there will be missteps. That's a given. You can move past them if you want. People sometimes start sort of hinting around about you, and might mention IDK say that you are a different race, and the friends and family disapprove and suddenly you get a bunch of back peddling. I have experienced this a thousand times. Suddenly their schedule is soooOOoooo full, and they are so busy. Or they do something to purposely piss you off so they can pull the 'this isn't working out' card when you call them on their bullshit. Your anger may be perfectly justified but they use the 'you are an emotionally sensitive woman' excuse to exit.
Some people don't see you as their dreamgirl so they don't put in much effort. Or they may have thought they could get you in bed quickly because they thought you would be loose and when that didn't happen they fall off and lose interest. Whichever, I don't really plan to hear from him any time soon.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
third day of the year....
The day I went to the DSHS office was rainy. I expected a long wait. My phone was dead by the time I got there. So I couldn't entertain myself. My counselor gave me some magazines to read. I was literally the last person out of the office at 5:30pm. My whole day spent there literally.
New Years Eve was the last day for me to use my bus pass so I went to the mall to exchange bras. Came back and did some sewing. Talked on the phone with JV. We made plans to meet the next day. I didn't do anything that night. I can't do anything while living here without a week in advance of paperwork done. I realized I haven't been out on New Years Eve in probably 15 years. I used to go to church when I was in Florida. But I didn't even have friends who went out dancing when I was in Florida. The one time I went alone I fell and hurt my knee so I never tried to go again. I reflected over the year and realized it was a shitty year. I remembered all the jobs I didn't get, the struggle and stress of it. (that I am still not out of yet) The fact that I still have no way to get out of this situation. 2015 HAS TO BE BETTER!
New Years Day came and I put myself together to go out with JV. We went to the grove for lunch. We ended up in this cafe inside Nordstrom with a window seat looking over the grove. It was kind of romantic actually. The food was amazing, the conversation fun and light. I love being with JV it's so easy breezy and he takes me wherever I want to go. I have a huge crush on him. We are supposed to get together for lunch and a movie on Sunday. I am excited to see him. Being with him makes me feel like I am living again.. I hate coming back home.
K has disappeared. Hasn't answered a text since Dec 28. I am getting worried about him. I sent him e mails too. I called his other phone and it's still off. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.
I haven't started trying to 'lose weight' for the new year yet. I get my FS monday so I will worry about it then. Im living on canned food until then. Just one more day. I really hope that the GROW worker can get me an actual job. I have to get out of here. I have to drop off my cover letter and resume at the record store. It has to be good. I need to put a little passion into it if I want them to hire me. I don't want to go back to work in an office. I want to be in a creative environment really. I know it's kind of asking a lot at this point. If I want to get out of here it's got to be by any means necessary.
New Years Eve was the last day for me to use my bus pass so I went to the mall to exchange bras. Came back and did some sewing. Talked on the phone with JV. We made plans to meet the next day. I didn't do anything that night. I can't do anything while living here without a week in advance of paperwork done. I realized I haven't been out on New Years Eve in probably 15 years. I used to go to church when I was in Florida. But I didn't even have friends who went out dancing when I was in Florida. The one time I went alone I fell and hurt my knee so I never tried to go again. I reflected over the year and realized it was a shitty year. I remembered all the jobs I didn't get, the struggle and stress of it. (that I am still not out of yet) The fact that I still have no way to get out of this situation. 2015 HAS TO BE BETTER!
New Years Day came and I put myself together to go out with JV. We went to the grove for lunch. We ended up in this cafe inside Nordstrom with a window seat looking over the grove. It was kind of romantic actually. The food was amazing, the conversation fun and light. I love being with JV it's so easy breezy and he takes me wherever I want to go. I have a huge crush on him. We are supposed to get together for lunch and a movie on Sunday. I am excited to see him. Being with him makes me feel like I am living again.. I hate coming back home.
K has disappeared. Hasn't answered a text since Dec 28. I am getting worried about him. I sent him e mails too. I called his other phone and it's still off. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.
I haven't started trying to 'lose weight' for the new year yet. I get my FS monday so I will worry about it then. Im living on canned food until then. Just one more day. I really hope that the GROW worker can get me an actual job. I have to get out of here. I have to drop off my cover letter and resume at the record store. It has to be good. I need to put a little passion into it if I want them to hire me. I don't want to go back to work in an office. I want to be in a creative environment really. I know it's kind of asking a lot at this point. If I want to get out of here it's got to be by any means necessary.
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