it's sunday again....

I spent all night trying not to breathe in cold air. My room has NO heat at all and it feels like an icebox all of the time. In the summer it would trap heat and be like sitting in a sauna. But since I am trying to get better and land work I need to be well. I tossed and turned and tried to stay warm using blasts of warm air under my blanket from my hair dryer. I couldn't fall asleep because of worrying I would wake up sicker than I went to sleep. I didn't fall alseep till 5am. I slept till 9am. The Project Blowed 20th year anniversary show was today and I really wanted to go so I wanted to be as well as possible to hang out with my friends. NONE OF MY FRIENDS COULD COME! Ro takes care of her dad on the weekends. Day was going to Palm Springs for some gay weekend, My friend Q was here from Seattle. I told him I was ill on Tuesday but he said he'd be back in town Saturday. I was still sick Saturday but I didn't hear from him anyway. I messaged him about the concert. But I have a feeling he's in Palm Springs too. Ash had to work. So I had to go alone. I was kind of down that I would have to go by myself. Ash went with me last time. She met me there. I got there and nothing was set up. No acts in sight. I realized that I was really hungry too. I didn't have any money on me. Only gift cards. So I went to the mall to shop for bras. I had bought some on line and they were hopelessly too small and poorly made as well. So I wanted to get some that fit better. I got two different sizes. I am a C but lately I am spilling out of a C so I tried a D. D fits better than C but I am not a D. I got 4 bras and 2 fit. 2 are too tight. So I need to exchange them. But when will I ever get to wall mart again?

I realized that I didn't see ANY of my friends over the holidays and it got me feeling really depressed. I wanted to go home.

Tomorrow I have to go to the DHS office and sit there all day. The housing worker said I needed to apply for the pilot housing program again. Before when I had it it was hopeless. It's only $500. I thought that you could use the $500 and then supplement whatever else through income. So like if I found a $800 apartment I would use the $500 and then pay $300 in cash. But the program doesn't allow you to do that. Your rent has to be $500 or less. Places (rooms) that cost that were scary and unsafe so I dropped it. The housing officer said that I could use pilot as income on a section 8 apartment. So finally that would actually work. Ideally I wouldn't have to use the state for anything. I could make my own money and pay rent myself. It pisses me off that it's taking this long to find work. It's been 9 months since I left school. I have never had this much difficulty finding a bullshit job IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

I am really sort of wondering what happens next. It can't possibly understand what the fuck is happening in the universe that won't allow me to make money. I want to support myself. I have the skills, talents and abilities to do so but somehow it seems like I have to beg and plead for someone to hire me. This last job seemed like a no brainer but I guess tomorrow I will know for sure. He said that we would know by the next day but the next day wasn't a work day. I wonder if he meant the next business day. Which is tomorrow. I will send an e mail stating I am interested in a position. See what that does. 

I sent the e mail and then decided to look up the company on line to see what the reviews were like. It has complaints gallore against it. Another SCAM company. It seems like a trend with all the 'customer service' jobs in the city. They are all these shady sideways companies. I want to work for a REAL company. I could fake it for a month tho.

Oh well.

Xmas Day....

Rough night last night. Sinus draining into throat all night so tons of coughing. Choking through the night. I feel alot better but I am not better per se. I had nightmares about being stalked and trapped by a man I met on line. That will teach me  to fall asleep to Criminal Intent. 

I didn't feel like getting up and sewing this morning because I was still coughing. My lungs are sore now. Nose still running. I had a nice light pink brocade skirt and a light grey t shirt to wear. Simple. Painted my nails white. Done. 

Dinner is at our house this year because we did all the cooking. I hear people arriving and guess who is standing in my living room? MY CRUSH! SOOOOO FINE!!!!! I am still coughing and runny nosing. =c(

But trying to put it together to sit down to dinner.

Dinner was good. Had a full table. My crush sat one person over from me. He had on red sneakers and a red biker shirt and green jeans. He is perfection on two legs. Very svelte. He runs and works out religiously.  I didn't cook any dishes because of my illness. The house manager did all the cooking. Wasn't really crazy about anything. Not a fan of the ham. But I will eat it in a pinch. Desserts were not my favorite either. Everyone wanted to know when I was going to make my meatloaf. I would make it for new years if someone paid for the ingredients. Make a bunch of dishes I like. Plus several desserts one chocolate truffle brownie pan. A tye dye cake and a chocolate mousse pie. 

I like to get dressed up and go to the movies, even if it's by myself. But I didn't have any money. I wonder if my roomate is ever going to pay me for the work I did. 

12/26

Had an interview this morning. Tried to be as well as possible for the meeting. I wanted to make a good impression. I left an hour early and got there in 30 minutes. I was happy about that. So I was very early. It sounds like the perfect gig for me right now. It would take much stress off of me. Plus I could get everything else going. So I have to believe I have this job. I would really be happy. Plus weekends off.

YES!

Of course my nose is stuffy...

As usual before a big holiday and when friends whom I haven't seen in over a decade come to town, I try to get sick. So far it's not so bad. Just a little nasal congestion. But I ran to the dollar store and got vitamin C and some decongestant and have been taking them. I am not bed ridden, but I am noticeably coughing a bit and blowing my nose. I am AGGRO!

I had planned to keep searching for work. Even this close to Christmas. Thinking about what may happen to me in the new year has been making me depressed. How I planned to do this on line business and when I went to set it up how it turned into a complete nightmare. I feel like I should revisit it. But getting help now will be a joke since everyone is in Christmas mode. 

I have been staying on my sewing schedule. If that paid cash that would solve some issues. I think I have made 9 skirts in the past month. I finally made my Beastie Boys skirt yesterday and wore it to church today. It's pretty cool. Black and white stripes. I wore all black and white. I wish I had $100 to go to the fabric district and get some stuff to start the year off with. I would just sew for the rest of the year. I have so many ideas. This is the most I have sewn in probably two years. I made that skirt pattern and I am so excited about how good it looks I want all of my skirts to be that way. There are about 4 I will leave at maxi length. Now if I could just get a top as genius at the skirt....

JV blew me off two days in a row. It's Christmas and his kids and grandkid need his attention. So that's cool. I am supposed to meet him for lunch today. But I don't know if I am well enough. I couldn't really fake it. It's reckless to be around people when you are sick. I don't want to be locked in my room for the holiday tho. I don't want to spend the last $10 I have on medicine but I might have to.

I don't think we are getting gifts this year either. Which is depressing. I know it's better to give and all. I sound like a selfish brat. But when you are in this situation, that's usually the ONLY gift you get. I have friends, but they aren't the 'what am I getting Lyn for Christmas' types. I know what I would get them if I had the cash. I really love my friends, and wish we could hang and have fun for Christmas. Maybe Day and I will. My new S crush said something about the movies on Christmas day, if I am sick....bleh.

Example of the skirt pattern. (not Beastie Boys tho)

I go back again...

Who knows why some people affect you the way they do. I keep thinking about J. But it's confused feelings. I want to see him, and be with him; and then I get angry because of how he disappeared. I keep feeling like in order to be accepted by him at all, I have to be someone else. Then I get sad. That who I am now isn't good enough for him, and I get angry. I am an amazing woman today, but he cannot see it. I can't understand why I can't wash him away.

I got overwhelmed and text him. I said I wanted to see him. Of course he didn't have my number anymore so he dropped the 'who is this' bomb. I said who I was, and no answer. The last time I saw him he claimed over text he was seeing someone. But I just saw his profile still on tinder.  When he saw me last (after informing me he was seeing someone) he flirted relentlessly. Like there really wasn't anyone. Or he is a sleazebag who doesn't change his behavior at all even if he is seeing someone. 

I never want to be that woman who puts herself through all kinds of changes to get a guy to notice her. Like Sandy in Grease getting all tarted up to get Danny to want her. He wanted her the way she was, but because of his social standing he was embarrassed to be with her. When she looked and acted like a tramp, then he accepted her. WE ALL KNOW THAT IS BULLSHIT but we all celebrated. Sandy was a sellout. Fuck Danny Zuko. Cut to a year later, if they in fact were together, she would most likely be miserable hanging out with his go nowhere, permanently adolescent friends; and their do nothing girlfriends. Sandy was made for more than that. She could do better. Changing herself didn't make her the best version of herself. 

J would fall for the best version of myself. Or at least give me a shot. I struggle a lot with that idea, because it's like saying 'Who I am today isn't good enough, but if I changed I might be..' My gut reaction is fuck all that. Fuck that guy. Which is how I want to feel. How I did feel. But these feelings keep creeping back. A longing for him. I don't get it, and I wish it would stop. It makes me feel like those women I loathe. The ones who don't see when a man doesn't want them.  The women who stalk, chase, and nag men into being with them. I simply don't have the energy for all of that. I just can't understand why the feelings keep creeping back. I had feelings like this about K as well. K is back in my life and I still crave J! I don't get to see K as much as I would like because we are both struggling right now. If we weren't we would be spending lots of time together. I could forget J a little easier if that were the case. I am in a holding pattern with three guys. Which I think is fueling my craving for J somehow. If I were getting my needs met by any of the three or all three, then J wouldn't be as much of an issue. But I am on hold. Mr. A has been in the hospital for two weeks. He has problems with his pancreas. He's supposed to have surgery next month. I feel a little guilty because I feel like his health isn't going to make it easy for us to get physical. Then there is Mr. S, super young and in the entertainment industry. He is busy with projects plus waiting tables on the weekend. He's lousy at managing his time too so seeing him is a joke most of the time. When I do see him the attraction is off the charts tho. There is Mr. JV who is my age. I am a few months older. Divorced with grown kids, business owner, very attractive and fun to talk to. He makes actual phone calls. I saw him twice in two days. I may go to a movie with him tonight. I feel really attracted to him when we are together. His pictures are very easy breezy sexy too. I don't really see him as the one, but mister right now. But what do I know. 

I have been sewing like crazy. Though I haven't even $20 to go and get some cheap fabric to make a Christmas outfit. I have a couple of things that could work. But I like to make it from newly cut fabric. I can't have it all. Not right now. I keep feeling like I want more solid color fabrics in less kindergarten like colors. I like color but I want to make it work for me and not against me. I have a bunch of black and white fabric that I am splicing into skirts. Over tights for winter and without for when it warms up again. 

Monday isn't funday

I woke up to my facebook feed showing a picture of a friend covered in blood. He'd been beaten by a bartender in a bar in Seattle for supposedly making a pass at him. When my friend returned home upset his stepfather threw him out. He's now homeless. It really broke my heart first thing. 

I had a massive pile of laundry to do. So I started it. I have been sewing my brains out the past week or so. I finished a nice lavender faux suede short jacket, and 7 skirts. I want to make a dress but my body is so strangely shaped I am hesitant. 

I have to take my laptop to the library to print a letter and resume. I put a cool font on them that won't translate outside of the program I used, so when I tried to e mail it and print it at the office the formatting vanished. It's a pain in the ass really. 

I have an interview tomorrow morning for a receptionist position downtown. I want to be first so I can blow her away. I really want a full time job, or mostly full time. 30 hours is perfect. But I would like to be making enough to make a dent in my debts. The telemarketing job was 20 hours max, and Monday evenings I meet with my counselor so I wasn't going to work Monday night.  They also didn't have daytime hours for new hires either. It was a no win situation. I had to keep it moving. 

On Thursday I meet with the DVR coordinator and hopefully he can get me in someplace asap. I have a feeling if I am not working January 1st, I am out of here. The pastor said 'We don't put people out over the holidays.' Meaning they wait till after and clean house? I don't need the aggravation. I'd like to be moving out on my own by then anyway. 

The old roomate never came back to get her stuff. It's weird that she left all of her clothes, shoes and hair products. I hope she's not in trouble. I barely know the girl but I really hope nothing terrible has happened to her.

Guess What?

The roomate isn't who I thought it was. But this girl is really nice and doesn't have a lot of belongings. So far so good.

I went to two interviews yesterday for phone room jobs. The first one was quite far, and was all commission! I was like you could have told me that over the phone and saved me a trip. The second one was downtown a block from the other that refused to hire me. I had been there a year or so before and tanked the interview because I couldn't think of a rebuttle on the spot. I am not an ACTOR! I am used to getting the rebuttle script in training. Anyhoo....

Guess who works there?  MY BEAUTIFUL CRUSH! It was like fate. I didn't think these things happened in real life. But it just did. My whole body started buzzing. I will get to see him all the time now. He stopped and talked to me for a while when I was waiting to be seen, and told me to mention his name. I passed the rebuttle this time, so I got hired. I will have a few bucks coming in.

I have three weeks to replace my phone before it is useless. They are getting cheaper. The one I wanted was $50 now it's $30. I hope I get paid $40 today for the website, so then I could just get it today. 

Eyes are on the prize. $250 for my trade account, and I am off and running. 

Roomate day

I spent much of yesterday evening putting in applications on line. It's such a useless act. I will call my agencies today and make a stop at the record store to see what's up. They never advertise they are hiring, they just do whenever. The holiday season is no different. They contacted me once and I said something stupid so they didn't offer me an interview. I hope they forgot about that. I have to try and charm my way in. It would be great to just have a quiet research or stock position in the back.

I heard the new girl is very tall and thin. I remember a girl a couple of months ago in the office that was WNBA tall. Maybe it's her. They also said she has almost nothing to bring with her. Which is good because I am packed to the gills in here. 

I need a lot of focus right now. I hope I can stay on track.

Bad news....end of an era

I just got the bad news....

I am getting a roomate. I am very unhappy about it. There was a girl in the office a few days ago, that seemed normal when you looked at her, but when she started talking you could tell she had mental problems. I hope it isn't her. I had my own sanctuary for two years. Now it's over. So of course urgency will set in to get the fuck out of here. 

I finally got my money late Monday night. But then I forgot she owed me $10 from the last time she paid me. But I have to let that go. Paid rent and phone and broke again. 

I am going to force myself to study so I can start working on line to get the money I need to get where I want to go. But IDK how taking calls and having a roomate is going to work. Hopefully she has a job or goes to school or something, and isn't in the room all day long. I hope she isn't one of these sit home all day do nothing don't want anything type of people. I want my space. I want be able to relax. I hope she isn't a light sleeper because I snore. I have been in my own room for two years and now I have to adjust for someone else. I just hope she is cool, and clean and doesn't go through my stuff. Or steal. 

The end

It rained again. Really rained like all day. It was like being back in Seattle. The day before it was 85 and sunny. Now we are in the low 60's and rainy. Supposed to be like this 3 days. Winter. Blek.

The job has pretty much run it's course. I had to make up a fake client that I needed to buy fabric for in a timely manner to get paid two weeks ago. There was no client, but I told the lady I work for/with that it would take 16 hours to complete the project. I could do it in a day. Needless to say we were going into Thanksgiving week. She calls me everyday with no schedule. The last work related thing she said was 'I haven't had time to go take the measurements of the jacket. I guess they are going to lose that sale.' I was like wow! Really? If she was working for ME and that was part of her job description and she pulled that shit, she would be fired. The day after Thanksgiving my student loan payment was due. The payment that if I didn't make it I would be sent to collections. THAT payment. I told her Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday very CLEARLY that I needed my money so I would not be sent to collections. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT I GET PAID!!!

Friday comes. I call her several times and she doesn't answer. About 4 I get a hold of her. She is still stuttering about where my money is. She has to call B and ask her for the money. I didn't hear from her the rest of the day. I call the school and they are closed for the holiday. I pray that that gives me grace. But I get the 'payment failed' e mail. I am ANGRY! Not only has she bled me of my hours all week. But she didn't pay me so now I am in collections with my student loan! I was LIVID! I was ready to find her and shake her like a rag doll.

Saturday comes and she finally calls me, still with no plans to work. Then she has the balls to say to me 'B is starting to get the feeling you aren't into this project.' I fucking LOST IT! I have never spoken to, e mailed or met B face to face. She herself has not asked me anything. How would she know my level of commitment. Unless you are telling her some bullshit lie like 'I was busy all week with a sewing project, so I couldn't work.' Which I completely see you doing to hide the fact that you yourself are too busy or unmotivated whichever to get anything done. She gets this super snotty holier than thou tone with you that makes you want to slap the shit out of her. I was seeing red. She plays games, that cost people. I told her that I really question B's ability to choose people that are good for her business if she put you in charge, because you are going to run her business into the ground. She was offended I said this. She tried to tell me that I told her I was busy all week. I told you the project was 16 hours. How is 16 hours Sunday to Wednesday? Can you not count? I could have worked every day this week. I noticed that you aren't calling about working today either. You bled me of my income intentionally. I think B isn't aware she's paying me. I think you have run out of money so you are playing these games with me now. GET ME MY MONEY OR I QUIT! S

She tells me she will call me back and get my account number so she can put the money in my account.  An hour later she calls me back and doesn't ask me for my account number she's fussing about half the items in e bay not automatically relisting. I was like 'are you really asking me about work right now and I haven't been paid? ARE YOU REALLY DOING THIS?' Every fiber of my being wanted to leave it as it was until I got paid as a message not to fuck with me. Another part of me wanted to take the whole site down as a message not to fuck with me. Against my better judgement I went and relisted them, because I knew that would be used as and excuse not to pay me. 

So I spent all of Sunday trying not to be angry, and hanging on to getting paid. I have another opportunity in my lap. I was planning to spend Sunday studying the new job. I couldn't focus. I needed a day to wallow. It was cold and rainy, I just wanted a day to be upset. I opened the info, and did a few things but I have to get started to I can move along. I must take control. Earn money so I can open a binary account and make the money to move out of here and get a car. The pressure is there because my bus pass expires the end of the year. So wouldn't be silky smooth to just have a car and not even sweat a bus pass anymore? YES! 

My goal was that for Christmas I would be in my own place. I set that goal back in March, it's now December 1st. So the proverbial clock is ticking to reach said goal. 

I have adopted the abandon BMX bike in the back yard to be mine. I want to strip the paint and repaint it. I put air in the tires. It's good to ride. I want to use it to do short trips down and around the block. But I have to get a lock for it. I could if I GOT PAID!

Is it fall already?

On Halloween it rained and was cold. The next day was chilly. I had to go out to work, and it was a cluster you know what. None of the pictures turned out. It sucked, then we went to the library to get some on line stuff handled and the server at the library kept kicking me out. So I got nothing done.

The job itself isn't bad. Just getting paid is a challenge. I get dribbles and drabs here and there. I have bills to pay. The money is still running funny. She is like a half a week behind in paying me for the past two weeks. I have to get this handled and paid on time every week. I can't even plan anything, or tell anyone I will see them to pay them back because of this woman..

We have two more bible studies added so officially the only day we have nothing is Saturday. Thursday night used to be my date night because dude works on the weekend. He's currently out of commission because he hurt his back. The perils of dating age appropriate men. They can sometimes be in not great shape. My crush at the men's house hurt himself playing basketball and is now on crutches. It didn't really slow him down as far as work. He just doesn't go running anymore. I haven't actually laid eyes on him since the accident, I just heard it through the grapevine. He's working so much he may be able to move out. I hope I see him before that happens. I told one of the guys to tell him I said feel better. I was going to make him a card. But I thought I may get in trouble for it. My friend moved out yesterday into his own place. I am so happy for him. He said he had to have the wifi set up so it may  be a week before I hear from him again. 

he's amazing..

He moved in about a month ago into the men's residence. He's gorgeous. A little taller than I am, and has a tiny lisp when he speaks. 

We are forbidden to have relationships with the men. Even having cordial conversations for any length of time can cause worry with the staff. I am friends with one of the guys who has been here as long as I have. We sometimes chat outside when we run into eachother. I expect at some point to be called to the office and talked to about it. The new guy sometimes sees us talking and I get a curious vibe off of him. Like 'do you like this guy?' But it isn't like that at all. We're just friends. He's a painter and I want to put his stuff on clothes. So we talk about that. Plus he's moving out soon, so we talk about the places he checks out. 

The new guy could be husband material. It would be ironic that he could be mine and I could be his but we aren't allowed to date or spend time together. If we do we can be kicked out. In a way that could be seen as intoxicating. The danger of it. But I am too old for that shit. 

I can tell he likes me too by the way he talks to me. Even when we're in bible class he tries to engage me in debate or conversation about the reading.  When I see him it takes my breath away. 

Definitely the type I could fall for.

round it goes...

There was the guy who I met in April and then he vanished because his father died. That isn't something I can be upset about. We were hanging out once a week. But nothing too intense. Something about guys these days, they talk about going to a movie but they never actually go to a movie. It's getting to the point when a guy mentions it I want to slap him.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like he has much money at all. The first date the credit card was declined and he had to use another one. All the other dates were burgers and cheap fast food joints.( 4 in total ) He never ordered for himself either. Only ate fries. I liked spending time with him so I could sort of overlook that a bit. But truth be told I am at the point in my life where I enjoy going to a real restaurant. Maybe a bit of fine dining every now and then too. Having burgers was just to go easy on the guy. He doesn't have a regular job, and works weekends doing video stuff. However I felt like he would disappear soon. He pretty much did. Deciding to get a real estate licence, and become a tax preparer all in the same month. So he is busy. But I think taking a break once a week isn't asking a lot. He hasn't in a month. He texts but doesn't call. He talks about being intimate, but to me I feel like he's playing games with me. It's as if he thinks I am not worth much of his time or energy anyway so how dare I ask for his time. He then tries to flip the script on me and say if I want to see him so badly then I should come to him. This seems like a man who has decided I am some sort of gold digger (for burgers) and wants me to come to him to prove I am not just using him for burgers.  BURGERS!  I was attracted to him. But I think this situation is hopeless. 

You want to take people for who they are. Deal with character and all that. Not count a guy out because he doesn't have a bunch of cash. Many people are struggling, myself included so I can be understanding. However, there has to be a limit somewhere. I am not married to this person. You can't afford to take me on nice dates, so I have to do without? I have to settle for burgers because you can't do better? If I like someone and they can't do better then I am supposed to settle? It's really frustrating. Then he doesn't see me for an entire month then wants me to come to him.

Experts say that if a man doesn't see you in a month, he's not that into you. So I am supposed to go out of my way to go and see someone who isn't that into me? Yeah that seems like a good idea. 

I told him I needed to speak with him, and called him and he doesn't pick up. So I guess that's my answer. 

There is no other way to interpret that....

It's been over a month since I posted. I have been in hell. Searching for work, stressing out, melting down. Trying to hold of mental illness resulting from the stress. Overwhelmed.

I send out tons of applications and resumes. Then a few days ago I realize that when I send them directly from my e mail it kills the formatting of my resume causing it to look as if it were typed by a 5 year old. HOW MANY WENT OUT THIS WAY!!! NO WONDER NO ONE CALLS ME BACK!

Luckily this is not the case for careerbuilder or indeed because it formats for you. I got a call from CB for an insurance company. Had two interviews, now I wait. 

In the meanwhile, dumb random guys text me. Ones I have never met and don't live close by. There was an Asian guy on a dating site that seemed pretty intellectual. We were matched at 94% which is damn high. So I thought I would see what was up with him. We e mailed a bit on the site. He seemed cool. Then today he asks if I would be open to something "casual."  I thought it best not to assume so I asked. "Do you mean casual like a burger and fries, or casual like sex." He said both. 

I think hmmmm, interesting. He has already decided before even meeting me that I am not relationship material. BUT...that he will fuck me, right after he buys me a burger and fries. I bet he wants to in his car as well. I asked him 'what gives' and he hasn't answered the question. Now, have an algorhythm match us so high and then for him to just categorically dismiss me but not what is between my legs is just insulting. He knows it. I don't expect an answer back from him. Because he knows it's ugly to say. I try to remain open minded. I try not to assume things of people. However, I always think Asian men, if they go outside their race will commit to someone white over anyone else. But I am open to being totally wrong about that.  I don't look to science to find me a mate, but I can at least be curious if science can get some things right.  This man has already decided that he will not engage with me on a romantic, or emotional level. But that he will happily put himself in me for his own pleasure. 

TIRED.
OF 
THIS 
BULLSHIT.

Tired of not being human in people's eyes. Tired of being approached with crumbs and told their diamonds. Tired of people acting like I should be thankful for the bullshit I get. Tired of being painted as the angry black woman as if I have nothing to be angry about. Tired of reading articles about how undesirable I am, both economically and romantically. Tired of everything. 

Just want things to change for the better, and for things to open in a way for me to be successful and happy.

The minute you let go....

I got tired of asking for my book. He kept saying he would be here one day then change it to the next and the next. Then he would 'drop it in the mail.' I gave him my address but he doesn't know my last name, nor did he ask. So I figured he wasn't going to even attempt to return the book. If he mailed it I couldn't talk to him. But I had to just let go. I made myself stop thinking about him. When I did I would just tell myself NO. I planned to purchase another book from amazon later. I erase his number and all of his secret texts I had been saving. Then I am sitting home doing my toes and I get a text, "Driving by ya home." This sounded like the 20 something knucklehead. He would text me that all of the time. But I have his number so why didn't his name come up. I text back 'who is?' He texts his name with 'I have your book.' I was a little shocked. I went to text back and my phone froze up. I couldn't do anything. I tried to call but the phone wouldn't budge. Then suddenly it puts the call through, and he answers. I have been calling him for weeks and he wouldn't pick up. He says he's down the street on his way here. I forgot he goes to the gym up the street almost every day. I got a little angry because I forgot about that. How many times could he have dropped it off?! What a dick head! Anyway. I tell him I will meet him at the plaza across the street. He pulls up and I see the book on the passenger seat. I open the door to grab it, and he is all chatty and shiny. He was always shiny. With gorgeous skin and a perfect white smile. He asks how I have been, and I say good. He asks more questions as I lean over to his passenger side. Then I realize how tacky that looks in this particular neighborhood (it is Sunset BLVD afterall) and I tell him I am going to crawl in. I was brutally hot out anyway. He is chatting me up and smiling. Asking about my dating life, if it's been good to me. How fucking DARE you ask about my dating life you asshole. You abandon me completely four months ago after what you pulled and now you want to know about my dating life? But I was cool. I wasn't going to get upset and let him see he got to me. I thought about my new crush and said it was good. The new crush actually has potential to go someplace as well. Unlike this jerk. He asks about different sites, and he was hinting about the site we met on but I didn't tell him anything. He talked about work, and that he liked the book. I doubt he actually read it. He tells me he moved out of his impossibly tiny apartment downtown. He had a giant king sized bed that took up 2/3rds of the place and it was kind of comical. The building where he lived had been overcharging everyone so they got really low rent for several months which enabled him to move someplace else. He moved to long beach which he said it totally different from DTLA. He misses being in the city and said he may move back. Ok, good for you. There was a pause so I brought up his trespass against me, and told him how uncool it was. I explained how stressed out I was, and how it said a lot about him how he disappeared afterward, and didn't bother to see how I was. He looked really sad and said he was really sorry about that, and gave me a hug. He said some flirtatious things to me, and said he missed my body. I was like 'who's fault is that?' I was really pleased that I didn't get all emotional, or try and get him back with me. He claims to be seeing someone anyway. Poor Girl. He is living proof that all pretty packages aint good for you. He tried to tell me that he would be better about keeping in touch. I just looked at him and laughed a little. I got out of the car and said good bye. Closure happened. Have my book back. The end.

PISSED!!!!

Once a few years ago I was walking home drinking a shake.

Right in front of my apartment building a man on a bike rode

past me and slapped me across the ass and rode away.  I 

was stunned and couldn't believe the balls on this guy. I had

on flip flops so chasing him was out of the question. I was

very angry someone had the nerve to touch me who didn't

even know me.

Tonight I am walking home and this kid about 16 is walking

down the sidewalk looking down at his phone. I thought he

isn't going to see where he is going. Just as he gets to me

he reaches up and grabs my breast and keeps walking. I 

was again stunned, and annoyed this asshole has the nerve

to touch me and he doesn't even know me. It's not like I 

dress revealing. Even if I do there is no excuse for this shit.

If I would have chased him and beat him down I am sure I 

would have been labeled a criminal and taken to jail.  I 

remember what this kid looks like, and if I see him again

I am calling the police. I am filing a report.

I am cleaning major house because I am just really tired of

how I feel. I loaned a book to a guy who didn't treat me very

nice and would cross my personal boundaries and then

disappear. I wanted my book from him. Yes I could just buy

another one. But I also wanted to confront him about what

he did to me, and how it made me feel. He of course texts 

'who is this' like he's so fucking cute. Yeah he erased my 

number too. I do that too so it's no biggie. I tell him I need

to speak with him and he takes a week to tell me he's seeing

someone, sorry. I don't give two shits that you are seeing

someone. Poor girl. I don't date weed heads so it's nothing

for me to get jealous over. I wonder if he is going to comply

Or just act like an asshole. I vote asshole. He just isn't a

nice person. He pretends, but it's all an act. I am not sad

he's gone. It's the principal of the damn thing.


I did start the process of starting my own company. I hope

I don't hit any brick walls in my journey. 

Rainy Sunday.....

Just because a child is the center of your life doesn't mean you are a great parent.

It finally rained here. It's a strange feeling when it rains in southern California. It's a melancholy relief. I wanted to go to the spiritual center, and woke up with my lower back aching so I moved very slow. Of course when I walked out of my gate the bus went past. I waited at the stop, it wasn't raining but I brought a jacket anyway. It was still hot out. It reminded me of being in Florida because it was humid as hell. I finally got to the center and it wasn't as crowded as last weeks birthday celebration. I went to the bulletin board to see if there were any job listings. Not a one. I went to sit down. I sat on the end of the aisle next to a white guy with a beard. I really dread the part of the ceremony when you have to turn to the stranger next to you and say all this intimate stuff. It really makes me uncomfortable. I like when I find a spot when I am the odd person out and I don't have to do it. He was reasonably attractive, I got through it. As the service went on whenever an attractive thin woman would walk by he would watch her and even turn around to watch her walk past. It was kind of weird. A very cute racially ambiguous man walked into our section. I felt a zap when I looked at him. He had long braids down his back and glasses. He was dressed casually, with cute vans type sneakers, and he sat right in front of me. It took all of my strength not to start playing with his braids that fell over the back of the chair. My heart was pounding. When I got up to leave I couldn't turn and look at him. That's two Sundays in a row there were incredibly attractive men at church. I can't help but hope this is a trend. When I walked across the parking lot to go to my bus stop, I couldn't help but notice that there were several very attractive well put together black men escorting sort of plain white women. It was kind of odd to me. There there was myself and another attractive black female walking alone. I could only think of how tired I am of being alone. 

I got home and wondered what I could put together to eat. I can't even talk about it because it's just so depressing. 

I worry sometimes. That because I am experiencing sadness and anger, that I am not really putting out the right energy to attract what it is a truly want because I am so down about my current situation. I guess I understand why people want to get outside of themselves. But that doesn't solve or change anything and probably makes things worse.  I wish I could snap my fingers and it would just go away. I have to get up early and go to the workforce center for an orientation so I can get a workforce officer to work with me to find a job. I can't believe it's come to this. I hope my check is ready tomorrow so I don't have to swing on anyone. (so to speak)

I got a little sad because my BFF went to the movies without me today. Had I gotten my check I could have gone with her. 

THIS SHIT HAS TO STOP.

Remnants and greendom......

It's been three days since the assignment ended and I am still fighting with my feet. On each foot underneath between the heel and the arch is a lump that will not go down. It's sore and the skin is peeling on top of the lump. I have identical lumps on each foot. It's freaking me out a little. I don't have a doctor to go to. I have been soaking my feet over and over and they will not go away. It's not painful to walk, but I know this is not normal.

I was going to hunger strike this weekend, but I finally gave in and got the last of what was in the cupboard and make tuna casserole and ate it all yesterday so now today it's chicken noodle soup. Only one can and hope that my check finds its way to the office tomorrow.

Today is one of my old coworkers birthday. She was this pretty Latina girl who used to be really fat and lost all the weight. She was well into her 20's and still living at home. She drove a luxury jeep and wore nice clothes. Because she lived at home she saved all her money and because she did she was able to BUY A HOUSE when she moved out. She furnished it too. Her car was bought at auction by her brother for pennies on the dollar. I used to call it the brat mobile. She would laugh. She was the nicest girl ever, but had a hard time finding a date. But a few years ago she met a handsome prince who she got engaged to. Today he took her on a balloon ride for her birthday. That is the perfect fiancee. I think, her life is so linear. Everything in it's place. Even her dog is cute. I can't hate her because she's so nice. I just wish I could have that too.

I really want to go to the spiritual center today, but I am already dragging my butt. Maybe they have some job postings I could use. 

It would be great if I could catch a break and get a real job this week.

weekend of....

The icing on my day is my friends going to a concert I wanted to go to (had I gotten my check) without me and posting all the fun they are having on line. 

I have been running back and forth to the bathroom because my stomach is turning on me.

Yay weekend!

Weird revelation...

I went to the dollar store last Saturday to get a few things. I bought these DKNY platform sandals ages ago and just started wearing them because they are the only shoes that don't hurt my feet if I have to do any walking. They kind of remind me of Mushrooms platforms that were popular in the 70's. They are white with a hot pink foam sole. They are comfortable to wear. The dollar store has ice chests in the front of the store. They piled rugs in front of them to catch the water that might run off of them. I was walking by and fell on my knees because I tripped over the ill placed rugs. I felt a click in my bad knee and got worried I wouldn't be able to walk home like when I fell off the bus that day. But strangely enough it felt better than before. It was as if the fall clicked my knee back in place after 9 years. I don't know this to be true and I haven't tried it out. But it would be cool if it was. 

I noticed my body buggling around when I move certain ways and walk. Like jiggling some. So I got on the scale to weigh myself. I had gained 21 more pounds. I don't know when, but that probably has something to do with why my feet have been hurting more than usual lately. I have to go hard if I am ever going to be taken seriously the way I want to be in this life.

what the hell was I thinking?

I agreed to working at Barney's. What the hell was I thinking? I have done two days of a 5 day contract and I am in pain. 8 hours on my feet is murder, and I can barely move at the end of the day. I have to lose weight. This has driven the point home for me. I can't have a job where I stand up all day. I knew that, but something in me told me to ignore it. Like don't NOT do stuff because of you are overweight and don't want to be in pain because of it. But this pain is ridiculous. I mean truth be told I am managing it better than I thought I would. I can still walk around and stuff. I am not in screaming pain. Just old lady walk pain. Limping around Barney's makes me feel self conscious. Like everyone is judging me for being fat. I can barely walk up and down a tiny flight of stairs without holding both rails to keep the weight off my feet. I swear at the end of the day it was like my feet would pop under the pressure. The throbbing pain was endless. I was frustrated and angry at myself. Of course I have doughnuts for dinner. But my body is covered in sweat all day so I feel like I am losing weight. My arms are changing from all the lifting and pushing heavy carts. I just want something to change so everything happens the way I want it to.

On the sales floor in cosmetics the lights are super bright. There are all these giant pillars covered in mirrors floor to ceiling. I can't stand seeing myself limping by them. I am usually sweatty and wearing not the most flattering outfit. There are all these Beverly Hills types milling around, and then there's me. It feels weird. It's like being in a foreign country because it's a completely different quality of life. People who don't even bat an eyelash at $800 shoes and $30 for lipstick. It's totally normal. I don't think I would ever normalize that kind of spending just because of where I have been. Being able to get through the whole week was important to me. One by one people stopped coming. Only three of us made it to the end. I kept thinking about getting that check on Friday, getting my nails done, getting something to eat, and going to a movie for the first time in months. My contact person told me the checks would be there after 11am so to come by then. It's an hour bus ride, but I thought hey it's going to be a good day. I haven't had a decent meal in two days and I didn't eat breakfast. I would get my appetite ready for a great lunch. I get to the office and my contact persons boss is there and tells me that they submitted the hours late so the checks aren't there and won't be till Monday or Tuesday! I was L I V I D! If there were a time I wanted to be the angry loud black bitch it was that moment. But I was too weak from hunger. I was clearly upset about it. I asked if they could cut me a company check and cancel the other one so I could get my money. She doesn't need to know my situation. But she said no, the checks are sent from Orange County. I didn't give two shits. I was at the job site early every day, worked my ass off not to mention the swelling in my ankles and feet and back pain, and THEY CAN'T PAY ME ON TIME!  So angry I can't even see straight. I don't have any food other than a can of soup. I'm really thinking about not even eating that. Just drinking water and juice the next three days. I am really angry. Just everything is getting on my nerves. I just wanted to be able to escape and be normal this weekend and now I can't because 'they didn't turn the hours in on time.' 

I watched this video a couple of days ago and it got to me. Really got under my skin. It was one of those 'why black men don't date black women.' videos. It was different because it wasn't all bashing. But it brought up something real but it still felt like bashing because it seemed like he was saying it was a choice rather than a condition. He said that black women represent struggle and black men don't want that. That black men grew up watching all the women in their lives struggle, be frustrated, be railroaded, taken advantage of, used and abused and somehow white women are the antithesis of this. An escape hatch for black men. I thought about this as I exited the Beverly Hills high rise that refused to pay me. I was angry and frustrated. The man in the video said that ' if you had to endure the injustice, and frustration day in and day out that black women do you would have a bad attitude too.' I turn my anger inward. I don't lash out and people, and scream and yell. Because that's the picture of me the world wants to see. I will sit in a dark room all weekend sulking being pissed at the world. I thought about how great it would be to NEVER be in this position ever again. To where someone's incompetence decides whether or not I eat for the next 3 to 4 days. How I never have to break my back to make $400 again. How I could go to any restaurant in the city and have an amazing meal and not worry about cost. Spend my days going and doing whatever I want. I can't take much more of this bullshit.

On and on...

Yesterday a woman e mailed me from one of my agencies about an office job that pays $15 full time and that I can actually get to. She asked if it was near me and I said yes. I didn't hear back from her all day. I called this morning to inquire and her response was 'all of our jobs have been put on hold.'  Of course I was thinking 'what the hell is that supposed to mean? Can you be less vague please?' I think, I don't have time for this bullshit. 

Another agency I belong to I contacted to see if I would be going in for a customer service job I applied to back on the 11th of the month. It was then the 21st so I thought 10 days was plenty of time for them to figure it out. Turns out there is no job, and they were just collecting people for their data base just in case one comes in. I am really tired. I told my contact person call me for anything. Even if its one day. I don't care. But he refuses to do so. Then he tells me there is a stockroom temp job at BARNEYS OF NEW YORK! But he didn't think I would want it. It's BARNEYS! Of course I would want it. Yeah it's only a week. Which is a weeks worth of money. I can't believe this cat, I told him I didn't care how long it was,as long as it was in the city. He will not call. I have to chill and just stay on him about it.

The comic con expo is this weekend, so hopefully I will hear from my dream job afterward. I am sure they are busy with the show and didn't have time to train anyone new while they were doing that. No biggie.

I've got pms and want to just power through it. 

later---------

I got through to one of the agencies, and they want me to come down and fill out the paperwork for the temp job at BARNEYS! It's only a week, but damn it's going to feel good to get out of this damn house and among the living. Even if it is in Beverly Hills. I can breathe a little, but I have to get through this week.

Sunday finally back...

This past week I felt like I was melting on the inside. I haven't been to the church (spiritual center ) in almost two months. I was starting to really feel it. Being stuck in dead church and dead boring ass naptime bible study was starting to make me to feel crazy. 

I am over my roomate and her talking non stop about moving to the YMCA with her best friend Charla. Charla is a bully with two kids. Charla stole from her and she is too timid to confront her about it. She lied to my face about confronting her. Which is typical. When she has to do something hard she lies about it or avoids it. She hasn't stopped in a week talking about moving and how she can't wait to get out of here , how sick she is of this place, how she's going to have more freedom, and a gym and a later curfew blah blah blah on and on. I pointed out that there are other people here that want the same thing and it would be nice if she was more mindful of that. She had no clue what I was saying. I got to the point where I playfully told her she was becoming obnoxious. She is unable to hold a conversation without talking about moving. I am done. She's very immature, and I don't really have the brain space for it. She's 27 years old and has the mind of a 16 year old. I am trying to be around more mature sophisticated established people who can offer wisdom about my path in life. Not little kids who are just going to hide from life forever thinking that because they have $155 a month after their welfare check comes and they pay the $66 on their room that they are balling out of control. She will sit for the next 18 months, chatting on her phone watching TV and not looking for a job. I need more out of the people in my life than that. I am welcoming her departure on Friday. Maybe I will not be here when it happens. She she will move out and that will  be that. She doesn't even speak to me now anyway so fuck her.

I liked riding the bus again to my church. I missed it. Except when I got on the second bus a homeless man in a wheelchair got on who smelled like hot garbage and stunk up the whole bus so bad everyone had to hold something over their face to avoid the smell. Even with all the windows open it still smelled. Hell, someone lit a cigarette in the back of the bus and smoked it openly and it smelled better than the gross funk. The bus driver just let it happen. It was that bad. I got the the center and it was packed. It's like walking into a movie theater after the movie starts, and you can't see anything till your eyes adjust. I stood by the wall to wait for them to adjust to the dim light. The pastor said, "Get ya back up off the wall." Everyone laughed. I sqoze into a seat in the back. I hoped not to be trapped by a fussy baby. I felt relieved to be there. I felt my anger melting away. The theme was re-calibration. Which is what I felt I needed to do. To get back to my base setting of happiness and joy. I really felt great sitting there listening. As people were leaving slowly after the collection I noticed some sun glasses on the floor in front of me. I asked the lady in front of me if they were hers. she said no. They were kind of nice so I kept them. Then it was the pastors birthday so the youth wanted to do a performance for him of his song 'Adventure in Paradise' but it was the EDM remix so it was really high energy and everyone was dancing. Then after there was a big dance in the parking lot. It was really beautiful. I went to the bulletin board to see if there was anything juicy there. There was a beverly hills salon looking for a receptionist. I thought wouldn't it be funny if this was The Kimble salon? It said specifically a hair augmentation bar. But the posting was up June 4th. A long time ago. There were some rooms for rent that were affordable, but I am leery of moving in with strangers. I can't live with pot smokers. I won't. My energy will go into my own place. I got prayer from a practitioner after the service and I cried and smeared my makeup. I tried to fix my face a bit, but opted to put my new shades on. I felt cleansed after. I got some fliers for some meetings during the week, so I can keep my momentum flowing. After talking to my mom and having hatred return, I had to do something.

I found out my old roomate from Ft Lauderdale started a t shirt line, and it's awful. I mean everyone has a t shirt line but me. I have to get on the ball and start moving in that direction. I think it will make me feel like I am progressing if I start putting together a business plan and attending meetings on how to start a small business. I really would rather not spend the next 4 years working for someone else. I wish my grandad was still alive. He owned his own business and was his own boss early in the game. He would understand what I want and support me. I want to be in the room with movers and shakers. People who make other people money and are good at it and are so rich they don't care if you know what they know or not. My life is the opposite of that.  

I have to get serious about this path and act like a star, and own it.

Adventures in Paradise- Michael Bernard Beckwith

This week in paranoiaville pt 2

I felt myself losing momentum this week. I spent most of my time on my laptop searching for jobs, and finding many I had already applied for. I went on a great interview last Friday and the feedback that was given was that she liked me bunches and enjoyed our time together, but feels I would be happier at the corporate level designing instead of in the store. I can't say she isn't perceptive. I would work in the store because she said that's where she started out, and where everyone usually starts out. I can't imagine getting a design position right out of the gate. But who knows? I was telling my mom about this and her advice was to do the opposite of what our advisors trained us to do. She wanted me to give more generic answers in order to get the job. I explained that we were told to express our passion for design when interviewing. Mom is telling me not to. I am done hiding I told her. I am done downplaying who I am just to get a paycheck that keeps me broke and homeless anyways. Those days are over. I have to start living my truth, and being who I was designed to be. Instead of always going back to what never worked in the first place.. 

It's new and uncharted territory, being who you want to and were meant to be and people still accepting you. I am trying to get loud not stay in a box I hate. I am trying to bust loose and be creative for a living and be around creative people for a living and have those as my friends not clock into an office and sit at a desk with squares who didn't have much vision to begin with. I don't have kids to blame this on, it's just me. For now I have a roof over my head that isn't going to roll me out onto the streets because my rent isn't paid. But the months are starting to pile up. It's getting annoying. The casting agency hasn't booked me in weeks, and there were tons of shows going on too. I even signed up for 3 more for the weekend. Curious if they will e mail and tell me to show up. You can spec, but every time I have it was a waste of time. I like going knowing I am booked and making money that day. I have nothing better to do so maybe I will go and because I don't care I'll get in. 

I want to get some sewing done this weekend and have a new outfit for church. I need a pick me up.

This week in paranoiaville

Today is my moms birthday, and we aren't that close. I talk to her as little as possible because she sometimes says the wrong shit to me and I don't need it. My mom is the queen of 'you know what you SHOULD have done was....' but can never tell you before anything happens. She is elderly and her advice can sometimes be a bit outdated. But sometimes I just let her talk because she thinks she's doing something. Today I was telling her about my frustrating job search. How annoyed I am with applying for jobs that I am qualified for several times over and not getting calls back even from agencies. I told her too, that many call center jobs want bilingual people now too. So her solution is for me to learn Spanish. I took it in high school and was very into it, and got quite good. High school wasn't fun for me, and I had a lot of problems with my mom back then. I was noticing more and more in my advanced class no one would bother doing the homework, and no one would even know how to say anything. I wondered why they were in the advanced class? I couldn't even carry on a conversation with any of them in Spanish. It was me and the teacher doing all the lessons every day. I got fed up. I wanted to drop the class. My teacher begged and begged me not to. I thought to myself too, there are no Spanish speakers in this little tiny town anyway, when the hell am I ever going to use this? I am not kicking myself or anything now. I still remember my high school Spanish. But that's what it is. Besides, why am I going to kill myself learning another language to work a job that I don't want and that will just keep me poor anyway? Eff that. If I am going to sit and learn Spanish it's because I am going on vacation to Spain. If I am going to learn a language for my job, it will be French so I can work in Paris at a fashion house, or Italian for the same reason. Or Japanese for the same reason. My mom said 'you are limiting yourself.' From what? Making the same $10 fucking dollars that got me in this fucking predicament in the first place? She will be the first to tell anyone who will listen how stubborn I am and how I am limiting myself by not learning Spanish. She can keep that bullshit. I told her so too. I know I sound like some old white man that just lost his job at the factory for 30 years to a Mexican who will work for less, but it's the principal of the goddamned thing too.  I told my mom to take herself and learn how to speak Spanish then let me know how it went, and then I will think about it. I am not going to suddenly get some corporate liaison job because I speak Spanish. A slave who speaks Spanish is still a slave.  Just one who speaks two languages. When we talk about coins that can lift me, then we'll talk learning another language. Until then it's deadded. 

Most of the time when we talk something like this comes up , and it's always what I'm not doing right. That's why I don't want to talk to her.  When she had her time to teach and mold me, she had nothing to say. Literally nothing. She would go weeks without even looking at me much less speaking. Then when I left her house she had all this advice to give. Even well into my adulthood she wanted to advise me on my job situation. How I could do this or that better. It was really annoying then as it is now. No one knows how to get under your skin like your momz..

Flush today down the toilet.....

I went to my second day of training wanting to learn more about the job. My trainer is a young 20 something guy who is so ambitious it's quite unhealthy actually. The company runs on sheer greed. Today I hit a wall because they way he was explaining he wanted us to behave on the phone wasn't only disrespectful, it was illegal.  There is controlling a conversation, and there is calling someone out of the blue and being a dick to them on the phone and then forcing them to agree to an appointment whether they want it or not.  It's called slamming, and it's illegal to do to people. Of course for every appointment you make, you get commissions, but it's really not worth the headache. I don't have the brainspace to make 400 calls a day and maybe convert 10 or 15 of them. It's a bullshit way to spend a life. Regardless of how much money you make. I have never liked these sort of outgoing call centers that keep you on quotas or else they send you home or fire you. I knew I didn't want it, that I wouldn't like it but the desperation got the best of me and I hit my head again. My advisor at school calls me and tells me a major fashion company recruiter is coming to interview a bunch of people and how can I interview for a fashion job if I am working full time at this other place. I didn't want to miss out on a fashion job because of this place. The boiler room said we can't miss any days in our first 30 days or else we're terminated. So I was like SHIT!  I went to my supervisor at work (the ambitious guy) and when I tried to tell him I wanted out he kept telling me no. He was trying to sell me like I was on the phones, but I was like NO....this isn't for me. I did the paperwork and I pick up my measly check on Tuesday. I am still waiting to hear from the company I really WANT to work for. Pins and needles. 

I kicked it with my boy from school today after work. We went to in and out and ate and then to the park and chilled for hours and talked. It was good to chill with him. He's struggling like me, and living back with his mom at 36 with his 3 kids. It's driving him crazy. He can't have me just chilling at the house because it's her house. I don't envy that one bit. We're both at odds. But he drinks and gets high. He had the classic illustration how this shit robs you of your life. He went to his homies house to print out some stuff for an interview. They had to wait for some stuff to download. While they were waiting they decided to have beer. Then whiskey, alot of whiskey, then weed. He passed out at 4am, and missed his interview completely. He just lost his welding job too, and when his mom finds out she will lose it. She charges him rent and all for his bedroom. His kids are getting older and connecting the dots about his drug use which isn't a good thing. He knows, but getting clean is a whole other scenario. 

Dating site blow up

I log into POF again to see if anyone wrote to me. Again the same guy that always writes. Extremely over weight black man, wearing saggy clothes telling me how pretty I am. Facepalm*

Everyone has favorites lists on these sites. People you think you would like to date. I think of it like a man bank. I am saving up to date these guys, or even try and talk to them. Some of them I have and they ignored me. Which is par for the course. People contact us and we ignore them, we contact people and they ignore us. It's a cycle. All of the men on my list of course are not only easy on the eyes, but have decent profiles. We have stuff in common at least. Some of them are other races, which you never really know if they secretly will not date you because you aren't the same race as them. I guess white & Latino women are notorious for saying they don't date black guys. Because there are many times I will read a black man's profile and he will make some reference to it. The irony here is if I see a brotha who has some stuff on the ball, nice looking, decent body ( he doesn't have to be chiseled or anything, just not sloppy fat ) some education and culture, has read some books and may have a sense of adventure. I get crickets. I can't imagine they read my profile and then say 'nah this girl and I have nothing in common' because we do and that is why I wrote him in the first place. I sometimes they have categorically excluded their own kind from their dating repertoire. They are too good to date black women. Especially alt guys. They have spent most of their lives avoiding us, that when one of us comes into view they can't see us anymore. I have a suspicion my 3 year crush smokes weed after all. Even if he does work at a hospital. He's always posting about Colorado and how weed has stopped crime there. I full expect him to pick up and move there any day now. I am open to dating other races, but we have to be on the same page. I admit finding it difficult to be attracted to white guys because of all the shit I have been through. I think on some level I'd rather not. When I was in Washington that's all there was, but when it came down to it we had nothing in common. If I met a white dude I had a lot in common with I would most likely date him. It's weird how I feel silly perusing my own kind because at almost every turn there are road blocks. I never gave much thought to class ism. However as I get older I do see that there is a need for a certain class of man. However these are not the men that approach me on line or off. I have to get in their social orbit and meet them organically. I have a feeling starting my own business will help that. Going to black business owners meetings, and events. I have a lot of work to do to get the life I want.

lesigh*